I have only spoke to WH about business such as bills, mowing, ect. It has been 5 days. He could not come and mow this weekend because of the rain. He just sent me this email:
I plan to come over tomorrow after work to mow, vacuum, pay bills, change the cat litter, etc.... Please leave the check book if you remember.
Thanks,
WH

I am not going to be home nor am I going to reply. The only thing he needs to do is mow. Our baby is due in August. Everyday I think about what it is going to be like to arrange that. How will he take care of him etc. Do you think the WH thinks about that or is he to fogbound??? I have cut him out of all issues dealing with the preparation for the baby.

durham, this is all a waste of time if you haven't done a Plan B letter. Why are you giving him the cold shoulder? What is the point?

Correct - do NOT reply.

In your Plan B letter, did you specify that he has a choice - you and the baby or OW?

WAT

WAT, I don't think she has done a PBL. But I don't know because she doesn't respond to our posts.

wishing you much strength in what you are having to do. i'm sure he thinks about you and the baby, just how much? couldn't tell you, he probably dismmisses it as soon as he thinks it (sorry). don't have any expectations of him. continue to reach out to those who are supportive of what you are doing. prayers to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by roughroad:
<strong>i'm sure he thinks about you and the baby, just how much? couldn't tell you, he probably dismmisses it as soon as he thinks it (sorry).</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I bet he thinks about you and the baby more often than you think.

He thinks he's gonna be able to waltz in and be Daddy because he WANTS to.

This is why you need to specify that he may not have this opportunity. He's squandering it.

Play the role, pay the toll.

He may want to be a Daddy. He needs to be a Man first.

durham - you have just about the ultimate weapon to fight this infidelity. Plan B with a baby on the way.

Cut him off - completely.

WAT

I sent a modified version of a letter that was posted to me. I didn't submit it for review as I didn't have time. He was leaving.

I sent a modified version of a letter that was posted to me.
I couldn't find that post anywhere.

How about posting the Plan B letter you actually did send so we can see what it says.
If it does not contain at least a few things it needs to, then you could be hurting your case more than helping.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong> I sent a modified version of a letter that was posted to me. I didn't submit it for review as I didn't have time. He was leaving. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">durham, then why is he still in contact with you? Why are you still talking to him? The purpose of Plan B is END CONTACT, it is all for naught if you stay in contact.

Can we see the letter? What was his response when you gave him the letter?

Please clarify what you are doing so we can help you through this.

My thoughts I’ve recently expressed to you to convey my love for you and my hope for our family were genuine. Much has happened recently, but even today I still love you and want a chance to repair our relationship and provide a healthy home for our baby. I have grown tremendously from these experiences and I ask you to look back over this period and see the changes for yourself. Whatever happens to us, these changes are permanent in me and I am a better person because of them and our baby will benefit from them because I will be a better Mother. I feel much better about myself as a person. I am excited about my future as a Mother. I wish for you to be together with us and to be able to see our baby and I together each day.

I know I have other improvements to make - and you can help me. In short, I can and will avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past. We have an opportunity to create a new life for the three of us that will meet all of our needs. We owe it to ourselves and to our baby to try hard. Choosing not to try may seem to be the easy way out, but it leaves the same problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones.

You may not know what I have endured because of your decision to separate and because of your relationship with [OW]. I fully realize that these things were just symptoms of pre-existing problems. But all of these problems are fixable. I have worked hard by myself on this. I still love you, but now I find that it is just too painful for me to continue by myself. Seeing and talking to you is just a constant reminder of the pain that I feel. It is not healthy for either me or the baby. I just cannot see or talk to you and try to be your friend under these conditions any longer - until you are ready to put this behind us permanently and are willing to try to rebuild our family. Simply put, I am now separating from you in order to protect myself from the stresses and from further pain and to protect my love for you until you are ready to commit to rebuilding our family. I understand that you may have your own pain and that I may be the source of your pain, but these things are fixable if we are willing to try.

Very simply, please decide on continuing your relationship with OW or having a family with me and the baby. Please make a choice, one or the other.

Until you decide, please only initiate communication with me that is absolutely necessary and then only via e-mail or voice mail. Do not call me to see how I’m doing or to inquire about the baby. In case of an emergency, contact [provide contact name]. I realize contact to resolve financial issues may be unavoidable from time to time, but I will minimize this and I ask you to do the same.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way for the benefit of me and the baby, but I’d much rather rebuild our relationship. The baby and I are the two people who together can help you become happy for the rest of your life. We are a permanent reality, here for the long haul, and we have a lot of good memories for the foundation of a family. Similarly, you can make the two of us very, very happy. I will support any need you have in a non-judgmental way when or if you decide to recommit to our marriage. You can come to me in safety, knowing I will embrace you. Even if you’re not sure, I will understand and provide empathy.

As soon as you are willing to commit to working to save our marriage, I will be willing to talk about our future, and the future of our family. We can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then, there will never be a need for us to separate again. I have communicated with many other couples who have achieved this and ended up with better relationships than before. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend and as the best father for our baby you can be.

I love you,
durham

Before my H left to be with OW he waited a month. When she left her H he made the decision to be with her. He states he knows where he is at emotionally. He wants to be with her. They have a strong connection. He just can't put his finger on it. Is that fog talk or what? I just keep hearing him say that over and over. I know where i am at emotionally. What does that mean?

That means he's as confused as hell.

He knows what he wants emotionally - OW, but he hasn't a clue as to how to process these emotions in the context of you and the baby.

When he starts realizing or experiencing some of the consequences of acting on his emotions, he may wake up.

This is why you need to dish out some of the consequences - losing you and the baby.

Stand firm, durham.

One of two thimgs will happen.

He'll either wake up and realize he's been foolish and beg to come back OR he won't and you'll know he wasn't fit to be a father, because he is not a man.

Either way, you and the baby will be better off.

WAT

I just keep hearing him say that over and over.
Does he keep saying this to you?
Remember, "no contact" means "no contact". Even if keeps trying to contact you, you should not be listening to him until he agrees to end the affair.

Also, your letter was pretty good except.
You should have been clearer about what you want.
No contact until the affair is over.
It should not be ultimatums "her or me" or "when you end it and decide to work on the marriage".

It is "when you end the affair, we can discuss us".

Keep this in mind.

Chris - for the record, she used the letter I proposed.

I asked previously for others to comment specifically on the her or me and the baby "ultimatum." I wasn't positive she should use it.

No one replied. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I knew it was an ultimatum and knew these are normally poo poo'd - but I thought it might be a smart one in durham's case because her H was so insistent on "baby" stuff. He clearly wants it both ways. Why not take advantage of his strongly felt "needs"? Despite being a slimeball, he dosn't seem like the deadbeat Dad type.

Keep in mind that Plan B IS an ultimatum - "I'm doing this until you do this" - just a soft version.

WAT

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

No one replied.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Okay.

Then, as I wrote, keep in mind what Plan B is vs. what was sent (which probably wasn't "too" far out of line.) Since a ws is lost in the "fog" it needs to be very specific about what needs to happen so there is NO confusion.

Don't ONLY settle for a complete recommitment just to sit down and talk.
You are simply looking for him to end the affair before you resume contact.

No, I have not talked to him. He stated this before he left. His family is very upset with him. They wouldn't let him stay with them. His father will not speak to him. His brother is just civil with him. He has given up his wife, baby, home, family, and friends for her. I guess that is textbook. It is just amazing how crazy someone can be. I don't know if he will come to his senses before it is too late.

just hang in there, you are capable of more than you ever dreamed. prayers to you.

I am in close contact with the OW husband. He is filling me in on the details of their just started divorce. The OW is giving him custody of their 5 year old. She will pay support ect. She is filing for divorce and moving in with her mother. What woman would give up custody. I hope she lives to regret this.

What woman would give up custody.
My ex didn't even bother to give up custody. She simply left.

I am in close contact with the OW husband. He is filling me in on the details of their just started divorce.
Do NOT get too involved. You are both at bad places in your marriage and getting too close is not a good thing.
You don't need the details of his divorce except as it may concern your h.