Having a hard day. Struggling inside with feelings for OM. It is always there, although I pray so much for the feelings and thoughts to leave. I have still HOPED he would call, when I say I don't want it! If he called, I could see how he was without me calling. I have done something that I thought would help, and still think it may. I know a lot of you will disagree, and I know you will probably be right. But, I need to share. I contacted him. I had written him an email that I just read to him. It was for me to "take control" of my life again. I am so tired of living my life reacting to what others say/do or don't do. I actually am reading a book (thanks to awed) to help my h and I. I do want to say on that note, that we are making great progress in our M. It dawned on me that even with om, I just went along with it. Never took conrol of my life. If he called, I was there to listen. I never said the words.. we can not even be friends. It was more like we shouldn't talk, and we shouldn't be friends. So, I said it, I said I prayed to forget him, that we can't even be friends. Part of it felt "freeing", but yet I still struggle with feelings for him.

Don't get me wrong. I am where I want to be. With my family working on my M. I just want the feelings and thoughts of OM to go away. And that makes me feel bad too.. He is now going thru a D because of our EA. I feel so guilty for that. Like the least I should do is be his friend. I know what I NEED to do, but it feels so wrong to totally turn your back on someone you have feelings for when you are the reason for their problems.

O.K. and this is where my mind really turns phyco. I get angry at my H (inside) He is so sorry for how he treated me for so many years. He is truly making such efforts for us now. We are making a new healthy M. But, I think of all the years before the EA. Years of begging him to work with me. Feeling so alone in our M. Loving my H so much and wondering why he couldn't love me that way. Getting him to go to MC the first time around and him refusing to change. Me feeling no option but to just "stick it out" for the kids. Then I had the EA... Somehow in my mind I still blame my H... I have this internal struggle with feelings that I want gone... I feel alone in this battle... And then I have to look at myself in the mirror and reality is "you did this".. "you did this to yourself"...