A family member of the OM gave me the letters he found of my WS to him. This was the proof that led the confession. It nearly killed me and sometimes it still feels like it is killing me. I put the letters up in a place where no one could get to them. I had a fear that one of our kids might stumble up on them and read them. Well, our son was trying to find a paper airplane on top of the hutch and knocked the letters down. No one read them, I got them in time. But the fear of that happening led me to burn them in our fireplace.

I had trouble doing that. For some strange reason I felt better knowing that they were there for future use (for what I don't know). I've forgiven her, but there's this thing in my mind saying, "if given the right opportunity, or circumstance again, she'd do the same thing." I don't really believe that, but there's that haunting feeling.

She has gone through a lot too. She is coming out of the withdrawal and the fog of that. It took some time, but now that I'm not having to be the rock of gibraltar for her, I feel like I'm struggling with doubt and fear too. But, mine is different from hers was. I know in my heart and in my head that if we both work on it > it will work.
I have do doubt about that. But, still there's that thought in the back of my mind. Also, when I see her I think, "you've done this thing," or "you lied to me for so long."

How do I get over this? Help.

Hfsw:

I too found out about my spouse's A by reading about it (her journal). I too have been saving them. I tore the pages out of her journal and kept them and gave the journal back to her. Originally, I thought that we'd have party and burn the papers when we were recovered. Now, I'm not sure when that might be though.

I have also kept letters from my W before we were married. Recently, as a way to reconnect with what it was that partially attracted me to her, I have been rereading them. Well, that turned out to be a trigger that brought back memories of the A. There were lines in her letters that read, "you're the only guy for me," "If we ever break up, I'll never regret giving you my virginity," and other lines like that. They just broke my heart all over again.

One of my friends has a saying, maybe you've heard it? "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger." To me, I think that applies, but it might not to everyone. Hope that helps, good luck and hang in there.