I had my first meeting with Penny Tuper, the marriage coach from SYMC. She is encouraging me to blow the lid off the little A secret at my WH's place of employment.

I have MAJOR anxiety about doing this, however. But my WH and the OW, both co-workers, albeit at different global locations, are quite comfortable in their A fantasy land. I know I should have done this a long time ago, and I have repeatedly posted on here time and time again that this was one thing I regretted in my Plan A (otherwise, I really, REALLY did a stellar Plan A). Now that I am in Plan B, I thought it was too late, but she does not agree. Ideally should have been done before, but why sit back and make it comfortable for them now. Not out of spite, but a stand I am taking to salvage my M.

Cross your finger for me. My stomach has not been in knots like this for months. I seriously am very nervous about doing this, that it may cost him his career, the respect of his co-workers...it could also cost her job, etc.

Pray for me. Here we go down another twist on the roller coaster.

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 03:34 PM: Message edited by: ChristyV ]</small>

Hi Christy,

I fully understand your apprehension in doing this, BUT .. think it's very much needed.

How do you propose to proceed? Do you have a plan for disclosure to your H's employer?

Jo

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Christy I still haven't done this because I'm a big wuss, but also because I did so much LB'ing at the start of this ordeal that I couldn't bring myself to do this part of exposure. I want to believe it hurts enough that my W family knows. I know this is a cop out. Please let me know how this goes for you I'm really interested. I might bring this up to Jennifer tomorrow during counseling. Good luck stay strong.

Hi Christy,

I was going to blow the A wide open on my WH too when I learned that the HW was going to be working at the same company In Toronto but,he got fired and so I didn't have to do it.

I know it will be hard but you know it is necessary and we are behind you 100%.Come here to vent and keep us appraised of the situation.

And about the OW losing her job,raining on their parade,blowing the fantasy out of the water,WH losing respect,etc etc.TOO DANG BAD.Remember who made the mess.

O

Penny is an expert, do it. You will be happy later, and know that you did all you could to save your marriage.

WH & OW work for a large, high profile financial institution. He is a corporate trainer here in Tampa, and she is a call center supervisor in India (over a group that my WH had to train, thus how they met).

My plan was this:

1.) e-mail to his boss' boss (the VP of the Training & Development Dept, here in Tampa)
2.) e-mail to Ow's boss', boss', boss (the SVP of the entire call center in India, a friend of my WH, and the only business contact I know there).
3.) Call to the Employee Relations VP for the southern region

Letter/call would consist of:

"My WH (name, dept) is having an affair with OW (name, dept). In an interest to retain my Marriage, salvage my family, avoid any sexual harassement lawsuits, and minimize the inappropriate uses of (name of company) resources, I am requesting that you encourage both (name) and (name) to end their illicit and inappropriate relationship permanently, now."

This is a large company. And my WH just won a high profile award from the company for all the women, I mean work he did in India. So this is not going to be pretty. Penny told me he will throw a fit that will make a two year old look on in envy. Something I am not looking forward to. I am also envisioning conflict from his parents, and maybe even my parents (should WH contact them when it all happens).

So, what do you think about my letter above?

Christy,

Hi <<waving>> neighbor!

I'm in Valrico!

Yes, you need to expose it at H's workplace. I would not necessarily put anything in their about sexual harrassment (sounds threatening).

Can you just send it to the head of Human Resources? I would definitely email and follow up with a phone call.

Good luck, C! Penny is great and her advice is on target!

Penny suggested the sexual harrassment term, because it will make everyone at his employer jump up and give it some attention. And I could very well see OW going there, if it doesn't work out between my H and her.

Christy,

Gotcha! Makes sense from that standpoint.

So, will I hear the explosions from where I live?

I know you're a wreck. Post here and we'll hold your hand!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Probably. Maybe I will take a trip your way to Brandon Town Center to do some shopping therapy. Ha! :-)

Wow ChristyV.....I admire the fortitude it will take to do this, and I also can relate to your trepidation. I too am a late exposer, just spoke to the OMW on the weekend. However, I can now taste blood in the water and I'm becoming a tad more aggressive in spite of my WW anger.....it's kind of empowering.
The OM is a new head of department physician, businessman and assistant professor. Did you know each area has a passel of E-mail addresses. We're going nuclear!

Good luck and God Bless!

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 02:24 PM: Message edited by: Binder ]</small>

Oh yeah...you can bring him DOWN...or at least get him out of your M. I say go for it. I am sure his fellow staff members, students, patients, and everyone else would be interested in his LACK of integrity.

I'm pretty new here and just ordered "Surviving An Affair". I've seen some posts on "exposing" affairs, but what's the advice on exposure?

There are only three people besides WH and I that I know, know about his A (not just suspected by our behavior that something happened) - my best friend, a female co-worker of WH's that figured out before I did and asked him (she knew almost from the beginning - we know each other - didn't tell me), and the OW (she lives out of state and I don't know her or her H personally, so I'm guessing he has no clue).

His A has been very hush, hush. Is this normal, recommended, or what?

I've wanted my H to send a NC letter to OW, but he doesn't feel it's necessary. I heard their last phone call when he told her to stop calling it was over and then read her angry email the next day. He feels this was closure for them.

At one point last week when I pushed about the letter, he told me to write the letter and he'd sign it, but he said it to appease me so I let it drop. Now, however, I've composed the letter, but haven't had the nerve to bring it back up, have him sign it, and send it. I think if he agrees to this, the letter should be sent to her home - not business where she ran her secret life from. Maybe this would force her to tell her H.

I have serious reservations about this because what happens if her H finds out and boots her out the door. My WH and I are still struggling to recover or should I say I'm afraid of losing him to her.

Any suggestions about exposure of an A.

Vitals:
BS (me) - 36
WH - 43
Married - nearly 15 yrs
Kids - 2 sons (13, 11)
OW - girlfriend from past (20 years ago)
Dday - Jan 13, 2004
EA (began 10/03) PA (twice - 12/03 & 1/04)
Begins to come out of fog - April 20, 2004

Like WAT says:

LAUNCH THE NUKE!

O

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I gotta say, if I was convinced my WW had ended the affair, I would pick and choose the people I told very carefully, and avoid the blanket bombing. I'm not going to enjoy the repairs of all our friendships as it is if we reconcile. The reason I'm starting to put the billboards up is there seems to be no desire to end the relationship, just our marriage.

In short, IMHO, I think if it's ended I would only tell those I need for support. If it didn't end, I would support telling all that will make the continued affair uncomfortable, if not a hostile environment to be in. I've learned this slowly....then again I've just met you folks here.

Which is why I am taking this exposure step...because there is no end in site. So, hence, the making the A very uncomfortable, if not downright hostile.

Pray for me...and I am losing my nerve already!

I have my finger on the button too Christy. I have found 56 E-mail addresses regarding the peers of the OM who has recently been named head of the region in his particular discipline. I'm starting to think about libel/slander laws.....theses are high ranking doctors. I will do some research.

Our laws regarding this sort of thing are likely differeent up here in Canada though. I think I'll start another thread just on this very topic.

Christy - as I mentioned to Binder - the gloves are off. I and others here believe that, in a continuing affair, exposure should be increased in a gradual manner to include all who can reasonably influence its end.

In your case, exposure to the common employer is reasonable assuming the employer has standards or obligations regarding sexual harassment. If there was no common employer, exposure to an employer may not be the best thing to do as it's hard to defend against it being mere retribution.

You may have read it already, but for others' benefit, read the link posted in my sig line below and the embedded links that have much to do about exposure. Included are some interesting but differing points of view. All views are needed here.

WAT
-----------
If you expected to catch something every time you threw your hook in the water, it would be called "catching" rather than "fishing."
-----------

Christy,

IMVHO, I would soften the "notification" a bit, try to appeal to their sense of decency, and empathy for a wife/mother placed in such a crisis.

What you composed above is good, but it feels somewhat sterile. Maybe it's just me.

Can you perhaps run it past Penny for her perusal first?

Jo

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 05:45 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Say WAT,

What's your take on Christy's notification letter? Do you think it's impactful and will yield the desired results?

Do you think it perhaps needs softening, or am I off base?

Jo

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>