OK I've posted on WAT's thread to Kyrian and now I'm going to threadjack here.

My H exposed my A to the OM's wife simply because he knew it would put an end to either of us contacting each other again. There was a chance of this happening and it will not happen now because the A is in the light and everyone is aware of it. You can't keep up a secret A when the world and his grandmother knows about it.

It was NOT to intimidate me - the A was already over.

Jenny

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kyrian:
[QB] [QUOTE]Originally posted by MelodyLane:


Oh no, it is not the exposure that would lead to job jeopardy, but ADULTERY. Let's be logical here.

Ok. Logic: It's the EXPOSURE of the ADULTERY. The job is not in jeopardy until the employer knows of the adultery. The employer learns of it through EXPOSURE. The adulterous act, on its own, does not jeopardize the WS's position. It' is the KNOWLEDGE of this act, made available to the employer, that jeopardizes the WS's position. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have not thought this through, Kyrian. It doesn't matter HOW the employer finds out, the employee is in trouble becuase of HIS adultery. One doesn't get fired if the BS calls the boss and tells him that the WS got a medal for saving a child. He gets fired for his ADULTERY and his adultery only. The person busting the adulterer is not responsible in any way for his behavior. If I expose my bookkeeper for embezzling money, am I the guilty one? Of course not, that is silly. She is the only guilty party here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BS's usually expose the affair in order to hasten its end. It really doesn't matter WHY though. What matters is that it is brought out into the open.

The BS wants it to end, therefore, any means at the BS's disposal to force the A to an end is acceptable. Got it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Almost any means, but I think you have the point. Good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
No, you insist on jumping to ill formed hasty conclusions.

Hey, I'm not the one using intimidation to get anyone to stop a behavior that I don't approve of. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And neither are we so I am not sure how this answers the fact that you are jumping to ill formed, hasty conclusions!


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

No, but you can force someone to stay with you(even if they don't love you) if they have no means of income, can't you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ummmmmm wait a minute. I thought we were forcing them to "LOVE" us? How did we jump to forcing them to stay with us for money?? You took a huge leap there and went off the cliff with that one!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, my point is that exposure is a very desperate act. Why do it? Simple. The BS hopes that by exposing the WS and OM/OW's A that the WS will end the A under the threat of losing their job. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh no, this is where you have missed something in all your "reading" on this forum. It is not made a THREAT to the WS. The WS is NOT usually forewarned. It is just DONE in the hopes that exposure will make the affair so uncomfortable that it ends.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please understand that ours is merely a difference of opinion, that's all. I do not agree with the concept of exposure and no one has posed a reasonable, sound argument that has convinced me that it is the way to end an A.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But Kyrian, you have already demonstrated that the most well reasoned argument is completely lost on you. And that is because you are coming at this from a very emotional, kneejerk stance, and not a place of reason and logic.

I don't think there is any reasoned argument anyone can produce that would make a difference, because I have not observed that you USE reason and sound logic. Your arguments are logically incoherent, inconsistent, contradictory with an underlying hostile agenda.

People who use no reason cannot respond to reason.

<small>[ May 06, 2004, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Whoa nellie! What drama...I love it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Almost as much drama as their will be when I expose the A! Ha! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Basically, a good marriage builder friend, and my intermediary, put it to me like this:

Her: "All the reasons that you're thinking of not doing it.... are exactly the reasons why this is what you have to do.  Doesn't make sense, does it?  But please, trust us on this one.  The panic that you're feeling right now is directly related to the fact that we are socialized NOT to expose someone's bad behavior.... and the worse the behavior, the more we think it reflects on us if we Name it."
 
Me: First of all, what will it accomplish?

Her: It bursts the bubble of happyexcitingwonderfulneato emotions that go with an affair.  Though it may be pretty awful for them already, this is another step in the right direction.
 
Me: His employer could fire them both for misuse of company resources... or they could very privately investigate it, it would only be known by his and her immediate supervisors and the employee relations person, and nothing else would come of it. Thus, just pissing WH off, and only really revealing it to two-three more people.

Her:Making waywards really pissed off and defensive about their affairs...... that's one of the very few ways to wake up a hijacked and unconscious conscience.
 
And that's not the issue, here.  The issue is whether you're going to NAME THE PROBLEM or not.  This is really, really important.  You are not acting out of a desire to control or anything like that.  You're acting to name (expose) the problem that you're having, and to ask for help from people who may also have an interest in seeing this affair end.  THAT IS NOT A BAD THING TO DO.
 
Me: Plus, shouldn't I want the A to end because he ended it, not because I embarrassed the hell out of him and made him look like a fool...which would be no assurance he would end it anyways (pastor knows...he just doesn't go to church anymore;
IL's know, he just doesn't see them much, and avoids conversations about the M with them; son knows, he just gets angry when son calls him on the carpet about it all, and makes a bunch of excuses about it).

Her: Great!  So he's not getting any validation from anyone about his actions, and is slowly watching his world fall in on itself while he tries to continue his wayward behavior.  How long do you think that'll last?  So it's time to clear away the clouds in another part of his life and see what the reactions are there.  Golly, I do love it when the sun shines in on people.  They usually grow in much better ways than the sort of small and twisted things that grow in the dark.
 
Reasoning: 
 
1.  Affairs are secretive by their nature.  To expose the affair is to make it more difficult for the affair to operate.
 
2.  You know something that is directly contrary to the employer's interests and core values.  It is something that's damaging you, your family, and their ability to work.  It's your responsibility to report that to them.

Not that this logic is any more coherent than all the other logic covered in the post, but the one thing I keep hearing is that all of this very counterintuitive....so if it feels wrong, it is probably right.

Christy -

I'm going to give you your thread back and suggest that Kyrian move to another thread with her knowledge.

On that note I'd like to suggest a new MB acronym.

COP - Crock O'Poo

I'm not sure if it will catch on but Christy your self made acronym of BFW sure caught on quick. I see it all over this board now.

Just a thought. Sending you my love.

Christy just wondered if you dropped the nuke? Also to say hi and see how you are doing.

Not yet... still wrapping up some loose ends... need to finish the court papers where I am filing for support, need to change the locks, and talk to our financial advisor to make sure WH will not be able to cash in our investments...

Then, I need to go to the grocery, buy a bunch of canned goods, water, flashlight, batteries, etc... and sit tight and wait for the NUCLEAR FALLOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plan to do that this weekend...then, press send on the already-written emails Monday am.

It brings butterflies to my stomach already.

Well try not to think about it too much, I know that will be hard. We're here to support you.

Sometimes...

wandering spouses are so foggy
so idiotic
so lost
so frightened

One must create a HUGE crisis

to wake them up

and the crisis is scary

but not as scary as a slumber with no chance of waking up

Prayers to you and to your hubby
May your crisis be a wake up call

One with tears but no blood

Pep

<small>[ May 08, 2004, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Ok. Exposure has reached intended targets. SVP of his department, immediate supervisor, and director of Employee Relations.

WH is CRAPPING his pants...and very upset...panicked (per my best friend, who works with him).

Please pray that he will be able to forgive me for this......

Pray that you will be able to forgive him for his responsibility-deflecting actions and tantrums.

Keep it firmly in your mind that you have done nothing wrong but stand up and fight for your marriage. And truth is a potent weapon that the demon he embraced and took inside his heart wants to fight. Your husband has no cause for his rage. REMEMBER THAT!!

If you can forgive him for the A, there is no reason he shouldn't forgive you for exposure. He made his bed and your working on saving your M by any means possible. Don't think this makes you a bad person Christy, this make's you a person who is sticking to her vow's of M. I'm sure he will be very upset, or this might be the reality check that he needs. I'll say a prayer for you. Oh and don't answer the phone if he calls you Plan B.

Christy,

You know he'll want to contact you. You know he'll be persistent in talking to you regarding the exposure. You are in Plan B, you don't allow him contact. Hunker down and ride out the storm.

I'm praying for you and him, that his heart will soften and realize all that he stands to loose.

Jo

Did you cc him on the exposure messages?

How does he know, per your friend that works with him?

This is not important info, I'm just rubber necking the train wreck.

WAT

Christy - hope you're in the mood for some humor.

Ya know, if he gets fired, he can always go share the tent with r & j's H.

(I honestly don't wish for that to happen.)

Friend called to tell me, and company moved quick, requesting that he meet with them at 4:15 TODAY. So they did not waste any time. They have also already responded to tell me that the issue has been addressed. Which probably means, they did not do much of anything.

UGH!

OK Christy, "CRAPPING his pants...and very upset...panicked" is a good sign.

This means that the exposure was meaningful.

It's not "ho hum" as I earlier feared.

Anything's possible now.

The timing you were concerned about, i.e., coincident with his "letter of intent to divorce", may turn out to be exquisite.

Stay strong and DO NOT talk to him. Have your intermediary refer him to the Plan B letter. That says it all.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Christy - hope you're in the mood for some humor.

Ya know, if he gets fired, he can always go share the tent with r & j's H.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think we should put all WS's in this tent with a big corral around them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> let them have one spokeman because they all have the same fogese when it boils down to it...

seriously..Christy hon...just want ya to know I was thinking of you all day and just hope things will take a turn for the better

<small>[ May 10, 2004, 05:43 PM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

Hey NewOutlook......that's all I need......my WW in a tent with a bunch of WH. I suppose we should serve gin too eh? Good idea....... NOT.

Seriously....Kristy, good job, I know that took a lot of courage, you've got us all cheering for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hey NewOutlook......that's all I need......my WW in a tent with a bunch of WH. I suppose we should serve gin too eh? Good idea....... NOT.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oppps..as you can imagine I was really thinking of Christy's and my WS's... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Gin no but maybe a good dose of x-lax <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

LOL now that's funny. I have the name of the corral "FOG EVERLAND CORRAL"

I know lame but my humor is lacking lately.

<small>[ May 10, 2004, 06:06 PM: Message edited by: The Tinman ]</small>