Just wondering for anyone who has or is attempted/attempting to do the 180's. How do you handle intimacy issues? Do you withold sex from your spouse, & if so don't you think you run the risk of pushing the WS into OP's back arms or a new OP's?

Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes his feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

I've been doing some of the 180's for awhile now. I think they really work well, especially for the BS. It gives you more of a feeling of control.

babygirl...

sex in my opinion is not a tool or a weapon...it should always be an expression of emotion...
(somedays it is a very shallow emotion no doubt <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

It would more helpful if people knew where you and your spouse are in this mess...

ark

BG - as a point of detail, "doing the 180s" should mean reversing the destructive things you used to do. NOT reversing the right things!!

OK?

I usually post on Pg/Child, my story is there. But to share the backround here is the short version...


I found out in July 02 that H had an A & OW was pg. I threw him out that day, took him back in 2 weeks only to throw him out again after a month, both times H lived w/ OW. He has been home since April 2003, things have not gone well at all. I only found this site in Feb. so I was doing things my way. Tried to do Plan A & then wrote a Plan B ltr. on 4/5/04 cuz things are so bad.

H will not leave, so I am now trying the 180's. I know that sex should not be used as a weapon & it is not that I am trying to punish him but sex within a marriage should also involve love, caring, communication & most of all commitment. I don't feel those things from him right now so that is why I am doing the 180's. Being intimate, ( and it is not that I don't want to), only confuses things for me & I think sends him the message that I am not serious about my feelings concerning our marriage & what I need from him at this time.

That is why I wondered what others were doing, I mean if you do all the things on that list but you are stil intimate doesn't that kinda send mixed messages to your spouse?