2 years, 10 months and 18 days ago I was slapped in the face with my H's affair. It took something from me that I can never get back, trust. I hated him for it. I hated that he didn't care about the pain he caused not only me but our children and parents etc.

I found MB and began my slow crawl to recovery, recovery which has never really been attained. My H has never really accepted responsibility for his actions and he has never allowed me to feel safe in our marriage since that time.

I've tried everything but my needs aren't met, the SF is nonexistent and try as I may, the trust isn't there.

Last week my H told me that I want too much from him. He said he can't give it to me. He told me I should go away by myself and figure out what I want.

I'm not blaming him. It's no one's fault but my own and I take full responsibility. But with my H's hands firmly on my back and pushing hard, I crossed the line. I got involved in an EA with a man online, in a gaming room.

I kept telling myself that this was different, because after all, it's ONLY online and it will never become physical and my H didn't care anyway. So I found myself eating, sleeping and breathing Pete, constantly thinking about him. He was good looking (maybe if the picture was real), he was so sweet and kind (unless it was an act) and he really cared about how I was feeling. He made me feel so damn special. And that's when I realized I had crossed over from BS to WS.

I stopped it immediately. I told him no contact and I've kept it. I don't go to that gaming room anymore and I told my H, who by the way didn't care. So now I think it's time for plan D because I don't know what's left to do.

Thanks to all of you who've given me advice through the years. I wish it would have turned out differently.

TD,

You need to decide what you want. If you want to work on your marriage then you need to get some help with coaching/counseling. You can't do this on your own.

I think with the right help you can find out if your marriage has a chance. I'm not going to beat you up about what happened online. You have taken responsibility for your actions and told your husband.

Now you need to work on forgiving yourself. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

^bump^

TD,

You know, I pretty much dislike the term "revenge affair" because it sounds like the revenge A is done with the intention of getting even. While that may be the case sometimes, it's not always the case, as I'm sure you're aware.

My H was in an intense EA and Dday was 2 years 3 mos. ago. The EA died and my H eventually got to the point where he'd answer my questions, but he really just wanted us to "get over it". I didn't know why the EA happened, didn't know what ENs I wasn't meeting, didn't know what LBs I was committing that hurt him the worst, didn't know if some kind of life crisis was involved - empty nest, midlife, etc. I hung out here and healed myself as best I could but there was a HUGE elephant under the rug. Although my questions about the A itself were answered, I didn't feel safe talking to my H about the bigger picture - our M - because he LB'd when I brought it up. I think in his mind "answered A questions = healed M".

I got into an EA with an old friend. I simply felt safe with him, and I didn't feel safe with my H. Saw the red flags, did NOT want to go there, so we broke off communication and I told my H. Withdrawal was surprisingly difficult, probably because I had to let go of the good friendship that preceeded my EA.

I guess I'm telling you this just so you know others out there have had similar experiences. Sometimes it helps, knowing you're not alone in what you're going through.

I took responsibility for my part in not feeling safe. I have worked hard on being assertive, on NOT being a conflict avoider (hard hard hard!). I've learned to let him know when his LBs hurt me without LBing myself. In short, I've learned to stand up for myself and stick to my guns.

My H still isn't "into" MB and the EN questionnaire etc. but he realizes that it's important to me, for my healing, and he is participating. We are recovering very slowly, and that's okay with me. We mix a lot of fun times into our recovery... actually we mostly live life and dip into recovery from time to time.

Although I'm fine with slow recovery, I absolutely am NOT okay with dropping it all and "getting on with life" this time.

I guess I tell you this to let you know, again, there is someone else out there who has felt like they fought the fight alone and it just wasn't working.

I'm sure my M is much like yours in that BOTH of you had unmet ENs, BOTH were commiting LBs. He just strayed first. I understand completely that you need his participation in recovery in order to recover the marriage. You can heal, you can recover yourself, but the M has to be recovered by both parties.

How long ago did you reveal your EA to him?
How do you know he didn't care?
The reason I ask is that perhaps he's still hurting from the revelation and is "in his cave" nursing his wounds and not ready to come out and address the problems.

Geez, this sure rambled. Hope it makes some sense.