I always thought I knew what was truly important in life. LOVE, Spending time with the people I love, raising my children.

The last couple years have taught me some very painful things about life! "Love" really doesn't mean that much. It can be taken from you in an instant. If love has so little value, what value does life have?

Why do we go through life doing things to prolong it? Why do we even want to prolong it? People deny themselves junk food, exercise when they don't want to, see doctors and even have surgeries all in an effort to live longer. WHY? So we have more opportunities to be hurt? Once our children are grown what's the point?

My nephew once said "people are nothing more than carbon based life forms, not much different than any other life form" at the time I thought that was a very sad view on life, now I think he may have been right.

I THOUGHT that love was the most important thing in life! Love is fragile and often meaningless. People are way too selfish to let a little thing like love stop them from doing anything they want to do.

This site has been an eye opener too. We have a WS here who is "disgusted" at his wife for crying all weekend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Doesn't she KNOW that she has NO RIGHT to make him uncomfortable by CRYING just because he ripped her heart out?

OH I know, "we are responsible for our own happiness" BULL! The only way that other people will never control our happiness is if we never fall in love, never have children, and live a solitary life. Otherwise they WILL have a great deal of control of our happiness, there's no way around that.

Oooh, sounds like you are really cynical today. I know that you love him, but does the whole world revolve around him? I think we give way too much power to WS and OP.

They have conducted themselves very poorly and it hurt us. But that does not have to rule the rest of our lives.

I know this is pathetic but yes, my world does revolve around him. 25 years is a very long time. I don't even like to think about life without him, but I know that my marriage is fragile.

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 07:28 PM: Message edited by: toomanylies ]</small>

TML,

Let me ask you: Do you really think so little of yourself that you have no value here on this planet except to be with this man that has betrayed you? Do you not think that perhaps there night be something better for you at the end of this journey that,yes,may NOT include your WH? Do you really think that Love is not worth living for? What about the love of your children? Does love only really matter with a spouse?

Please don't let your WH confuse you on how special love is.It is a gift and one that should be treated with respect and given our time,energy and gratitude.When we don't it is taken for granted and then we end up here or in some other abysmal circumstance.Our WS's took our love for granted and some BS's may have also but to not open our hearts to love just so we will not be hurt,is to me,a meaningless existence.Think back to happier times with your WH.I'm sure that you remember a time when love was a very special feeling for you then,as it was for most of us here.

What you thought was important in life still is.Just because your WH screwed up royally doesn't mean that love is at fault.It's what we do with that love that matters.Being open to all possibilities is where I think you might find growth.If you never think outside the box and only think that your life is based on your marriage,then you are selling yourself short and I don't think that's what God intends for us.We are not solely our marriages.It hurts to think about being without our loved ones.I always thought I would grow old with my WH.It was my dream.I am realizing
that that may be what I want,but not what I need.I am relying on my faith in that God will take care of me and give me what I need.It's not always what we think it will be.

Anyway,just some "food" for thought.I hope you feel better tomorrow.I know this is hard.

O

*Tis better to have loved and lost,than never to have loved at all* Tennyson

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 08:44 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Right now I'm having a hard time with feeling that there is anything or finding value in my life. Yes I love my children very much, they are the reason I'm still here. I think I would have given up on life a year ago had it not been for them.

I know I'm having a pity party right now. It isn't just about me and my life, it's also all the stories I read. I will never understand how love, family, a life built together can be so easily torn apart. Usually by a woman with an agenda to tear it apart. I went through some old pictures not too long ago. Our wedding pics, pics of the first fishing trip we took our kids on, pics of the first time our son saw snow etc. That's a lot to give up for a woman he barely knew, and he did it so easily! He just walked away with no concern over what it was doing to me. It did me no good to "disclose the affair" NO ONE cared! Not his family, not his co-workers, not his boss, not anyone.

Since the beginning of last year I have really envied people who don't love anyone, no one can hurt you if you don't love them.


I'm also going through some other things that are causing this, it's not just my marriage.

I know it's hard for you.For all of us.I agree completely with what you said about our WS's giving it all up for these strangers that they know only weeks.That they protect and defend THEM istead of us,the wife or husband they married and had a home and children with.It makes no sense because it is senseless,it is a SICKNESS that they have.A chemical reation at best,infatuation,weakness.

My WH said that he didn't care if he lived on the streets when he met the homewrecker,he just wanted his sick fix and was willing to destroy and lose anything and everyone around him for it.It's all about their misguided way of finding something they are looking for,filling a void the wrong way.

We do care what is happening to you,come here for your support.If you are having a hard time finding value in your life,take the time to visit or educate yourself about children with cancer.This will bring you to your knees when you realize that they may not ever have the chance to have a husband or wife,children or make it to their 10th birthday.As bad as I have it now,there are many more people on this earth who have it so much worse.I will not forget that and continue to thank God for the blessings I do have.

O

Unfortunately, I think you are right. Love, in the romantic sense, is a myth. You never know when you are going to wake up one morning and discover that there is nothing left but betrayal.

Love for ones offspring, however, is not ephemeral. In some cases, if one is very involved in their grandchildren's lives, then that relationship may be very important to their well-being. I know from personal experience that once the children are grown, done with college, and on their feet financially, parents are no longer essential - I missed my parents when they died while I was in my 20's, but it wasn't a tragedy like it would have been had they died when I was 10. I suppose if you are on the verge of discovering the cure for cystic fibrosis, then there is a great deal of point - but most of us have far more mundane careers. For the rest of us, the only real purpose in life is to raise our kids and pass down our genes to succeeding generations.

I have no desire to be around once I am no longer useful. I will be pushing 70 before my youngest is likely to be an established adult, but I hope that at some point before I become a burden rather than beneficial to my children, I keel over with my boots on while working somewhere in the back 40.

For what it's worth...I read this the other day in The Five Love Languaes by Gary Chapman...

"Love is not our only emotional need. Psychologists have observed that among our basic needs are the need for security, self-worth, and significance. Love, however, interfaces with all of those.

If I feel loved by my spouse, I can relax, knowing that my lover will do me no ill. I feel secure in his/her presence. I may have many uncertainties in my vocation. I may have enemies in other areas of my life, but with my spouse I feel secure.

My sense of self-worth is fed by the fact that my spouse loves me. After all, if he/she loves me, I must be worth loving. My parents may have given me negative or mixed messages about my worth but my spouse knows me as an adult and loves me. His/her love builds my self-esteem.

The need for significance is the emotional force behind each of our behavior. Life is driven by the desire for success. We want our lives to count for something. We have our own idea of what it means to be significant, and we work hard to reach our goals. Feeling loved by a spouse enhances our sense of significance. We reason, if someoneone loves me, I must have significance.

I am significant. Life has meaning. There is a higher purpose. I want to believe it, but I many not feel significant until someone expresses love to me. When my spouse lovingly invests time, enery, and effort in me, I believe that I am significant. Without love, I may spend a lifetime in search of significance, self-worth, and security. When I experience love, it impacts all of those needs positively. I am now freed to develop my potential. I am more secure in my self-worth and can now turn my efforts outward instead of being obsessed with my own needs. True love always liberates.

In the context of marriage, if we do not feel loved, our differences are magnified. We come to view each other as a threat to our happiness. We fight for self-worth and significance, and marriae becomes a battlefield rather than a haven.

Love is not the answer to everything but it creates a climate of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us. In the security of love, a couple can discuss differences without condemnation. Conflicts can be resolved. Two people who are different can learn to live together in harmony. We discover how to bring out the best in each other. Those are the rewards of love."

I read what toomanylies wrote and I felt her pain...as it is my pain also. I agreee with believer that we often give too much power to the OP and WS but I think that the power we give them is us truly feeling the loss of love. The WS, at some point, provided us with the love that we built the rest of our lives on. "Does the whole world revolve around them?" In the sense that they are the one we looked to for love...the building block of our lives as we've known them for so many years...yes, the world revolves around them...

We gave our spouse 'power' over us when we gave them our love...we assumed that the reverse would be true. I think it is normal to feel 'powerless' when we have been betrayed by the very person we have looked to for our life force...love.

...just my thoughts...perhaps many of you will not agree with it but as I read this passage in the book it just explained a lot for me so I thought I'd share it.

WOW losingfocus! Is the rest of the book as good as that was? If it is I'll have to pick up a copy.

I have said so many times that I feel "insignificant"

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 05:10 PM: Message edited by: toomanylies ]</small>

toomanylies - I highly recommend this book. It is a fairly quick read with a lot of insightful words. I actually borrowed this book from the library but will be ordering a copy for myself to keep and make notes in. The section that I posted about really got me thinking about why I'm hurting so much. It brought some clarity to my thoughts/feelings/emotions.

There is also a section about children and how to make sure you're speaking their love languages (and he has a book called The Five Love Languages of Children...which I will purchase also)...to make sure that our children don't turn out like we did...to make sure that they feel loved and worthy...to make sure they enter into their own marriages as healthy individuals...which most of us did not.

The Five Languages of Love includes exercises at the end of the book...things to think about...ways to discover more about yourself, your spouse, and your relationship. Chapman has a plan for trying to fix your marriage even if you are at the point of hating your spouse and even if your spouse is unwilling to work at the relationship.

One big lesson that I have learned though all of this is the great responsiblity I have to my children. I knew I took on a lot when I brought them into this world but I now know the true magnitude of my mission in life...to make sure that my children are healthy...both physically and mentally...to make sure that they enter their adult lives full of love, self-worth, and confidence...to make sure that they never experience this pain. I will do all that I can to educate them on what marriage is really all about and what they will need to do in order for their marriages to succeed. The Five Languages of Love will be one of the 'manuals' I will provide them with...a copy for each of my children and one for each of their future spouses.

A fantastic book that I highly recommend.