WH told me he wants out, never wanted this - so I am packing all my belongings & shipping out to Boston - 3000 miles away. I have given him 6 months to file for divorce - he wanted us to both work & pay off bills - him here in San Diego - me in Boston & then he'd file for divorce in a year - when we were financially more stabile. Payoff his debt so he can play more. HMMMMMMMMMM

I told him I wasn't going to talk to him when I got there - he could talk to my mother about our daughter but I would need time to heal. So he kept pressuring & said the whole time - I then said only once a week after the first two months have gone by & he was like " how about just the first two weeks!" Absolutely no respect for me. Wants me gone but wants to talk to me everyday.

Then he wants to take a vacation in June to come visit. I leave in about 3 weeks. The nerve - Well I guess he's getting what he wants - me gone.

He won't even honor my requests for no contact - am I being unreasonable - can I do a Plan B this far away? and with a child?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayed by 2:
<strong>He won't even honor my requests for no contact - am I being unreasonable - can I do a Plan B this far away? and with a child? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure you can ... I think you should slow down and think it over. Why you allow him to break the NC ?. I think you should protect yourself financially and I think you should check with a lawyer to see if CA's family law if giving you a better protection than MA.

-rh-

A family lawyer is going to draw up a letter/contract - he can't close or buy anything w/out my knowledge or approval. He is allowing me to live in another state w/ daughter & our monies - which are joint will not be closed so I can pay my bills & support my daughter.

I am just hoping w/out contact w/ me & our daughter, he'll realize that he loves me. His last comment before he left was he knew he was going to be lonely w/out us & he loves me but just thinks marriage was not the right thing for him. ( Think he is just trying to make himself feel good)

My big fear is that I will be the only one missing him & I'll contact him. How the hell do people promise to love, honor & cherish each other till death tears us apart. I don't remember the vow till OW spreads her legs.

This pain I feel today - it's like D-day all over again. Earlier today I was watching classic rock videos & a song I never liked made me cry a river - John Waite was singing "If everyone had a heart like mine, yours would never be broken!" I thought when I met my H (on the steps of our church) we were blessed by God.

I told my H that knowing what I know now & asked to change anything - I wouldn't - loving him for 12 years was better than not loving him at all. He is truly a good man - I guess people fall out of love everyday or there wouldn't be sites like this!

betrayed by 2,

I am glad you protect yourself.

I will try to read your old post after this reply.

Aside from character flaws of WS, A could happen to anyone who failed to guard ENs being met by OP and spending time with OP to fillin it.

If you have a problem of staying away or plan B, distance is not the problem. The problem might be deeper than this. Do you have unresolved emotional issues ? look deeper even seek IC to help you out.

-rh-

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Once again....your H is a classic WS.

I've been here.
My H was willing to put me through school while we were seperated (because I've never had a job in all my 31 years) so I could support our daughters better and then after that file for divorce...that was the first time we were seperated.

The second time.....nothing....just wanted a divorce....couldn't afford it.

Third time...I was ready for a divorce....starting calling lawyers....got a legal seperation....child support and all.

This whole time....it was all talk from him. No action at all....when he could have easily borrowed the $ for a divorce from his parents. IN is a no fault state.....we didn't have anything of worth really and he was willing to give me the house....and joint custody of the kids....which I wouldn't fight. He knew I wouldn't keep the girls from him, no matter what he did to me.

The OW never pushed him to divorce me....but she did divorce her H. She did however push him to spend more time with her kids....who were younger than our own.....HUGE mistake as being away from his own children and being with hers more tore him apart. She actually got mad that I wouldn't allow her in MY house for our middle daughters B-Day as we had decided that B-Days and Holidays would never be split no matter what....they would always have both of us there...together or not. That was a sore point with her....BOO HOO.

Your H doesn't know what he wants at this point.....and he won't make a decision until something happens. He's been allowed to sit on the fence for too long.

You moving may be a good thing.....PERFECT opportunity for Plan B.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this....this is one of the toughest things to go through after finding out.....but things have a way of happening....and they happen for a reason....and God gives you NOTHING that He doesn't think you can handle.

One thing though......he can't afford a divorce.....and he can't afford to live somewhere else....which is why he has stayed so he says......yet you are moving in 3 weeks?

How can you afford to move back to Boston.....yet he can't afford to live elsewhere and can't afford a divorce?

RH - I know that I can keep dark - but WH is/has been best friend for 12 yrs - how do you stop wanting that daily contact? In Dec, I went to my parents for a break - I never called him the 19 days I was gone - I even tried avoiding all his calls to my cell - then he ended up calling my mother - she caved for me - handed over the phone. I have done the IC earlier this year - it was quite insightful - but most of it I already knew about myself. Before I was my own worst critic - I know see myself in a better light. Who knew Infidelity can bring out some good.

Sometimes when I get on MB, I feel I am at my darkest - my posts may sound like that. I have always been a glass half-full kinda girl - I see the silver lining in this.

If my M ends I leave with many many happy memories and I leave knowing I was/am loved but he had issues. I also have the best present that no amount of money in the world could buy - my daughter - she truly makes my heart sing.

Miss Priss -
Your story feels like mine. Your story gives me some hope that WH will see the "light". My OW already has a boyfriend - she just enjoys toying w/ WH's little brain. (LOL)

We stayed up quite late talking and he admited our marriage was good - very little fighting - just the typical squabbles of everyday life. The arguments of late were of only one topic - OW. Something that was abnormal in a marriage.

He did the usual fog talk -I love you, just not the way you deserve to be loved. Feelings faded, just dont't think they'll come back, etc. I told him that on the internet I read that polled a group of divorced people and 80% regretted getting Dv. I told him I would do this move without putting any pressure on him, no contact, provided he kept an open mind and thought about what life w/out me would be like & maybe w/ time, distance we would discover new things about us - as individuals & as a couple. He agreed.

Today, he said he was looking at this as a break to see how things are - not as final break. (I hope that is a positive - no Dv talk) He said he is hoping that he'll go crazy w/ missing us (I hope that also is a good positive - not just telling me what he thinks I want to hear).

My mother is kind enough to pay for the movers and I'll be staying w/ my parents for a while. My sister's company has a temp position & her boss knows me & maybe it can go permanent. So I'll keep busy & it will be good for my daughter to be close to her Grandparents, cousins, etc.

I told my WH that I'll be out as soon as possible - he was like what's the rush. Go figure? I know this can't be easy for him - I wish he could get in touch w/ his feminine side!!!

Well, I guess I can join the Plan B thread soon. Do they come back from such a horrible plan?? No contact - seems harsh.

I'm so glad that my story can give you some hope.

My H has never posted here....but he has read ALOT...mostly only posts that I've replied to or started. He is absolutely amazed at what some of the WS's say and do....and I've reminded him that he was the one doing all of that almost 3 years ago....he actually blushes from embarrassment.

Your H is soooo much like mine was....talking about divorce one minute and the next saying that it's nothing final....always a possiblity that we could get back together.

This may be the best thing to happen out of all of this. No contact is not harsh at all. It gets us the BS out of the picture so things can end naturally and on their own....with no pressure from the BS.

I finally figured out that I couldn't force my H to give up the OW....so I left him alone...let him go about his business.....knowing full well that it might end up in divorce....but ready for it.

As soon as I did that and he thought I was finally moving on.....he didn't like it.

I got the whole....I don't love you like a man should love his wife....I can't get those feelings back....I never will....BLAH BLAH BALH.....I got it all.

I actually went on a date......I DO NOT RECOMEND THIS.....my H called me 17 times in that one day......when all the time before he may have called me 1 time a week just to see what the girls were up to. My H worked with my sister...and she said that day he couldn't fundtion at all....the OW worked there also. My sister also stated that he paced the floor all day. I started going out with friends.....he would call me when he knew I was out....ask me who I was with....this and that.....he was pretty much living with the OW at this time.

I never went to Plan B. I just cut my contact back....didn't call him....unless I HAD to...and kept the conversation to a minimum....NO RELATIONSHIP talk....and just went about my business. That's what got to him.

Hmmm....kinda hard to be jelous when you don't love that someone in the way a man should love his wife huh?

The feelings don't go away.....they are just buried by other feelings....new feelings.

I've heard everything you are hearing....so yes...there is still hope that your H will come around.

The OW already has a new boyfriend....well...that can only help YOUR situation. Maybe now that your H will be by himself she will get tired of playing with him. Kinda like kids....they only want that certain toy when someone else is playing with it.....and when no one is playing with it they don't want to have anything to do with it. That is very possible....and highly likely.

It's a hard road you are heading down....but I think you can handle it. Actaully....I know you can...if not for yourself....then for your daughter.

Today, I actually feel a little better. He went to work & is going to request 2 days off - so he'll have a long weekend to help me pack, etc. I asked if we could go to Laguana Beach for 1 day - it's my favorite place - so beautiful & peaceful. I would like to make at least 1 good memory about leaving him behind.(Now this thought has the tears flowing - almost bittersweet.)

My mother told my father I was coming for a "break" and my WH liked that comment - said let's take it as that. He is so concerned about how my family, especially my mother is feeling towards him. Is that a good sign?

Should I write a Plan B letter?

This morning my WH said that he hoped this break away would be a time for us to heal and maybe find our way back to each other. I told him being away would give me the strength to go forward in life w/or w/out him. He looked as if he was going to cry.

I know this has not been easy on him - it goes against all his morals & intregrity. I tried to place myself in his shoes, but I know I wouldn't be there - I meant my vows - thats why I am still here fighting for my marriage - not because I am a coward and afraid to be alone as the OW believes & spreads all over town.

WH asked if I was going to begin dating when I left - my answer was of course not, I'm married. I think that cut him to the core. I am not high & mighty - I just believe in "us". Is that bad? Everyone thinks I have invested too long in this pain - I remind them wait until you walk a few steps in my shoes - then comment on my timeline.

I need help in writing a Plan B letter - he has had no contact (only 8 days - I know too short to count on it to continue) but OW really isn't our obstacle - it's the fog talk about loves me but not the way I should be loved, etc. I know w/ distance & no contact from me, he may just realize what he had/lost. But, I am never going to move back to this place - he would have to find a new job, move back to Boston, what else can I ask?

Also, what is the best book to recommend to someone whom is not fond of reading - SAA? I want to leave my letter w/ a book.

betrayed by 2,

Personally, I would suggest After the Affair by Janis Spring. My WH read maybe half of SAA, but stopped reading it because he said he thought it was too cookbook. Of course that was while he was still in a fog.

My H and I were also separated and during that time I read After the Affair. I thought this was an excellent book because it goes into depth what both spouses go through after an A is revealed and then takes it from there. My H is now reading it (he still won't read SAA). He said it's given him an idea of what was going on with me after he admitted his A. He said he also identified with alot of what she wrote about what the WS is thinking and feeling.

Anyway, I don't know if this helped, but since I was once in a similar situation as you (my H insisted on a separation so I started Plan B, said he was leaning towards a D, and I moved from NY to FL to stay with family), I thought I would offer my 2 cents.

As far as Plan B, it can work if you stay dark (the distance helped me do this, hopefully it will help you too). It's difficult at first, but it does get easier. Take care of you and your D and come here when you need to. If you and your H are best friends, try to have faith in that, it's the foundation of your M. Through the whole thing my H would tell me I was still his best friend and had been for the last 8 years. And it was during our separation he finally realized he didn't want to let go of that so quickly.

Trying

Hi BB2 - I am sorry for all you are going through - as far as book recommendation - I agree with trying - After the Affair by Spring is very good - actually she has just written another book on forgiving - also very good, deals not only with A but all different types of forgiving - Torn Asunder is also a very good one - I hope everything works out for you - Sandy

My IC recommended I read After the Affair - I ordered it last week for myself - I guess I'll get another copy.

It is really weird, when we never speak about aour taboo subject (OW), everything seems so normal, loving. I told him tonight I would wear my wedding rings till he sent me Divorce papers - he was okay you'll be wearing them then. It's obvious he loves me to me - why can't he see that?

He says it's going to be difficult not to talk to me daily (he calls now about 7 to 8 times a day from work. I told him I would be thinking of him when the movers have come & I have gone, when he returns home that first night from work to an empty apartment. I told him I told his mother to call & check-in. He asked if I would - I said yes that would be our last commincation till he realized what we had, could have and about working on us.

What steps to I need w/ Plan B? How do I keep from contacting him?