Well, I finally found out where OMW works and can finally call her. Trying to call her at home only got me voice mail and I didn't want to do it that way.

I think (not sure) that the A is over and I know that contact is still going on but not very often - My W still doesn't get it, but seems to be trying to get it.

Now, the BIG question: What am I going to say to OMW and how do I approach it??

When I notified OW's H, I just kept it simple. I said:

Hi, I'm sss. You don't know me, but unfortunately your wife and my husband know each other a little too well. What I'm about to tell you may cause you some pain, but I'm calling to save my marriage not hurt you. I want to make sure that I have the best opportunity to save my marriage so I'm exposing your wife's and my husband's recent affair.

I then followed up with a few facts that I had...when/where they met, etc. and told him that he could call me if he had any further questions.

It went very well. OW's H was very appreciative of the info...suspected something but was unable to confirm it. We kept in touch for about two months in support of each other.

Good luck.

sss

Apache -

I'm glad to hear you are taking this step. I have been where you are now. I worried about what I would say and how OWH would react.

I think you should do it in person if possible. It's hard to deliver evidence over the phone. She will need to see it.

I approach OWH one day...just ran across him after months of debating whether or not I should tell him. I just came up to him, introduced myself and asked if he had a minute to talk. I walked him through the timeline told him how I found out. I told him that my H had confessed and apologized profusely. I also told him that I wasn't 100% sure it was over and that I knew they were still talking...which would lead us right back down this path if it didn't stop. He wanted evidence. I handed it over. That was all he needed.

I felt better for doing it. It also gave me great peace to know that someone else was watching out for this relationship. I was not the only watchman so to speak.

Be prepared to every outcome. She'll be upset. She'll be hurt and probably angry. She may even think you are a crazy person who is making all of this up. That's why you need proof in hand.

Remain calm. Show emotions but nothing crazy. Do not try to hide your pain. She needs to realize that you are doing this to save your marriage and not hurt her. Tell her you love your wife and you want to forgive her but you also needed to tell her (OMW) so she can make her own decisions.

If you can write this website down for her. Tell her to come here for help and we will embrace her like we have embraced you. Do not let her walk away without telling her about MB. This place saves lives...it saved mine.

As soon as I found out about my H's A I wanted to end my life. While it's not in your control, what she does when you leave her, she needs to understand that she can get help and support from others who have been through this.

Please let us know your plan of action and see if we can help you walk through it.

This will be her D-Day. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

sss -
Thanks for the advice. That's kinda what I had in mind, but it's good to hear how others handled things.

heroswife -
I understand why and have thought about how I would do it in person. I don't know if the circumstances will allow me to do it in person without creating a confrontation with the OM (if I go to his house) because is a sales rep with his office in his home. Also, OMW works in medical office with many others and not sure how that would go. If I believe my W (now days it's hard to know when to believe her) this is not the first A for OM. Don't want an ugly scene in the medical office.

I do have proof I can email her ( emails from my W and copies of phone bills). I can also add the link for MB in the email. Just because OM and his W may have been thru MC due to an A before doesn't mean they've heard of MB.

Apache, the others have given you really good advice about what to say. Don't worry if you can't see her, though. Though I agree that would ideal, it won't hurt if you can't.

apache - I don't have personal experience with this as OM's family were our neighbors and already well known.

But see Binder's recent posts and the links in the link in my sig line below if you haven't already read them.

Also, weigh the value of informing her now vs doing it via a NC letter from your wife IF you think she's getting close.

This is a tough call because you cannot predict how soon your wife would be ready for this (NC letter). The down side of informing now is that IT WILL BE A HUGE LB to your wife - potentially setting her back a bit.

Understand?

Don't get me wrong - exposure to her absolutely has to happen. It's just that the timing now could be dicey. If the affair was still full blown - launch the nuke, no hesitation.

Now, you gotta make the call.

<small>[ May 04, 2004, 10:37 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

WAT -
I understand that it will be a LB, but right now my W still hasn't gotten around to the NC letter and her last response was that she didn't want to hurt the OMs family because he is trying to deal with the hurt his decisions have caused. But she is also sure he hasn't told his wife since this is not his first A. Meanwhile, I am left to watch the whole thing be in limbo with no action from my wife to show me she is committed to our M and that she is willing to draw the NC line for OM.

I am not going to sit back and wait for it to happen again. If she wants the OM, then that's her decision - but let's just get it out in the open and act like adults, not junior high school kids.

I would have a hard time telling my wife about my 2nd A as well

Apache -

If your only method is phone and email then make that work for you. You do not have to expose face to face.

WAT is right. This might be a huge LB for your wife. Make sure she knows you are doing this because you love her and you are going to fight for your M.

Good luck to you!

Apache, when doing it have your evidence in front of you and be prepared to articulate what you know. Assumptions and conjecture will hurt your credibility. Be prepared to get the evidence to the OMW. E-mails can be forwarded, pictures can be scanned.

Be professional and kind in your approach. Avoid coming across as the frantic, vindictive husband. Let them know why you are doing this, make notes prior if necessary. Be calm, use an even voice. When finished.........rum.

Binder -
What's your opinion on whether I should contact OMW yet. My wife and I have had a good couple of days - and this would set us back, but....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Binder:
<strong>When finished.........rum. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Freudian slip??

Or did you mean Canadian Club??

Apache, that's a judgement call you have to make. We on the other side of the screen can not possibly grasp all the nuances and dynamics at stake here. After my experience though, If there is any doubt at all that it's still going on I would err on the side of caution and do it. I think affairs are like ice bergs, you only see 10% of it.

The LB will be there, but I'd rather heal that than an ongoing affair. Where will she run, back to him? He'll have his hands full with his wife.

Having said that, if its the straw that broke the camels back for OMW, he could now be single and very available. HMMMMMMMMMMM I hate being wishy-washy when so much is at stake. I'd still do it. My experience says the best defence is a good offence. She will see your intent, if it drives her away, she was going anyway. Then you have to step it up.

Hey WAT.....no CC for me, none of that sissy white rum stuff either, Lambs Navy. I'd love to share a snort with ya....oh well.

Apache....any update?