Well, the bomb was dropped on me and I survived, but I am having truly mixed feelings about what the aftermath should look like. Her physical relationship with OM during our separation since January was revealed and W immediately came home to see how things could be (tears and apologies abundant). She maintained the apartment “in case” and 5 days later, returned there with the feeling of tension that had sprung up between us over our long weekend. I made some rash moves and started checking her cell phone and her apartment answering machine until she told me she felt like she was being punished. I guess a part of me was trying to make her feel like she owed me the world, when all I really want is her love. Since that episode two weeks ago, I have regained my newly found happiness in life and I am able to take whatever the big man throws for now. We talk very little about our situation and we have even spent 3 or 4 nights together either in our house or her apartment. I feel like we are on the right track to getting back together, but there are some issues that I do not want to rock the boat on. I feel that maybe I will have a time to say my peace, but for now I just need to feel normal around her.
I have mental images of her and OM and to complicate things, he works with her. She says that there is nothing going on anymore and I want to believe her, but I am so torn up about putting my trust in her again so soon. She is reluctant to formulate a NC plan and says that there is really no reason to at this point and that they barely speak. Despite my feelings of this, she is thinking of applying for a new position in the same company that would enable her to remain there longer. I expressed how I can not ask her not to apply for it, but that if we were to be together I feel there needs to be a process in place for 100% NC. She says she understands some of my concerns. I want this to work out in the worst way, but I have my heart so guarded right now, I feel I may push her away by telling her how I feel. We have this unspoken guideline that any talk about us brings on pressure and even me asking for her to tell me that she is committed to me is placing pressure on her and she can’t. She says that her actions should speak enough, but I have seen what her actions in the past two months have done to me.
We speak of our future as if we are going to be together but she is still not home. We speak of how well we are doing lately but sometimes I feel it is a façade. She does not initiate SF and is even a bit reluctant on that matter. I have a feeling in my gut that we are doing ok, but I am still so hurt by her actions and maybe I am seeking a bit more from her to reassure me that she does want us. I do know I need to swallow some of these feelings for now and just go with the flow. Any other tips?
