Mom - no 2x4s. Just a little tiny alarm clock for you to wake up to...

There is a chasm that can be as wide as the Grand Canyon between perception and reality. And that chasm is more obvious when we talk with fog-adled WS than when we evaluate our own behavior, intentions and such.

For example, you mention that you're ready to go to Plan B - you've threatened about it all weekend after your husband's fog was taken personally.

But in order for a Plan B to be truly effective, you have to have done a sufficient Plan A. From what you shared, you did enough to get his attention and bring him home, but if you look past the wounds of not having your emotional needs met by alien-abductee-prime-candidate, you did not persist in doing a Plan A. Instead, your own posts show a trail of lovebusters and insecurities.

Plan A is not for wimps. It is not designed to bring him home. It is for you. As I see it, the end result of Plan A is to bring you to the realization that YOU and YOU ALONE are responsible for your happiness, your mental and emotional and physical health, and what you choose to do in response to past and potentially continued infidelity.

A powerful Plan A is filled with intention to not be goaded, provoked, or otherwise controlled into eliciting a response out of you that would undermine your sense that you did your best when it comes to the outcome of your marriage. And you act on that intention, consistently and masterfully.

Mom - you have taken his arrogance, pride and selfishness personally. So you are adopting a fourth child (threatening him that there will be no more milk and cookies FOREVER) if he doesn't obey Mom's wish (and insecurity). You have made him respond like a rebellious adolescent defying mother's edict of "OR ELSE". His behavior is juvenile and beneath his stature as a trusted M.D. but he won't see it as long as you continue to lovebust the h*ll out of your marriage.

Chill out! The best two books I could recommend for mentally and emotionally preparing yourself for a TRUE Plan A (not the perception of the great Plan A you've already done, but the one you have yet to do) are:

The Four Agreements
and
The Mastery of Love

both books are by don Miguel Ruiz. Both helped me put in perspective how to get out of the dream of h*ll that feels like reality and get on with my life.

Spend some quality time reading, pondering, journaling and then CHOOSING how you are going to act, instead of dishing out OR ELSE! to your juvenile delinquent alien formerly known as Dr. Dad!

P.S. The other woman IS NOT BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND. She is merely a symptom of the fight for control conflict between you and your husband. At this point, I don't see his love for her as much as his contempt for you. He knows the legal, ethical and career threats that his on-going behavior gets him. But he wants to bring you down, because for some reason he despises being emotionally dictated to by YOU.

Choose out of that conflict. Read the books. Get quiet. Very quiet. And then see what happens.

Another thought.

All I've read about since this weekend is your husband's borish behavior.

What did you learn for yourself to make your marriage better? What did you learn that would allow you to take charge of your growth as a woman, as a wife who's purpose in going to the workshop was to improve herself (not her husband!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

editted to add:

What actions did you commit to take to be a better person as a result of your attendance this weekend?

Or was the only reason you went was to get your husband on track with the program?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

<small>[ May 04, 2004, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: KaylaAndy ]</small>

great post kayla...
great advice...
as usual....

ark

thought i was done but guess not, to piggytail on what kayla said so eloquently and ark's agreement that i read in your posts before that (i'm paraphrasing) you didn't care if he faked it (feelings for you) or not that's what he needed to do and then other posts you talk about him being honest w/you. i'm sure you prefer him to be honest w/you but can you see the mixed signals? i don't remember where i read it because i've read so many things since my DDay but that even by doing things w/our spouse that might not be genuine, having sex w/WS spouse even though you don't feel like it, talking about their day even if you don't really care, that eventually if the BS spouse responds "correctly" then those feelings will start to be genuine. it's about rebuilding the love. hope that makes sense.

Kayla nailed it.

Wish I had such wisdom.

Lemme chip in some back ground. I saw both of them up close and personal for almost 12 hours. I am not a professional conselor but I had been taking a few classes offered by AACC and understood MB.

Plan A is a list of actions to address the issues in M before A, you bet it is to bring the WS home !, it is to negotiate and to take the excuse of WS to have A in the first place. To grow and better your self is an additional side benefit if you have responsibilty in the down hill of M.

Mom does plan A even w/ some occational LB'ng, she did and he acknowledged it too. Dad shows it by waffeling big time. Mom does a very good job not LB'ng, very excelent and beyond my expectation from reading her post before meeting them. Dad understand that this is not a demand, it is HIS CHOICE. Mom didn't gave him ultimatum she just simply told him that she loves him, she believe that this M would be fulfilling one, and she can't put up with A. It is his choice to choose and mom will let him go if he wants OW. He knows that he has to make that choice and he knows what to do not only after MB & counseling w/ SH but also in his own word what to do!.

I saw way too many advice/suggestion that make BS is trapped into enableing in this board. We defused the venting ... that is good but we have to be careful not to jeprodize the recovery b/c BS didn't make the right action at the right time.

Mom will seek SH's advice anyway for going to plan B. He has more insight & info than anyone on this forum.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> LOL, yea tell me about it rh...I refuse to let him use it with me...more of an insult for him to use it, then to not use it. I think personally. Of course Dr Harley said at the seminar that viagra is mnore for the woman than for the man...true, I think, he can certainly go longer..but for him ot even have to use it with her. hahahaha....

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess it's not an option for you to flush one of those pills every day?

I cannot help it...that is exactly what I would do. Flush one a day. They would eventually disappear and it wouldn't be automatically noticeable...see what I mean? What is he going to do...come and ask you if YOU have been taking it? I don't think so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I don't blame you about not wanting him to take it with you.

Also, I thought they were dispensed when ED was present...does he suffer from ED with her? Oh well, I guess that would have been an LB to ask...huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

committed

Hi Mom,

Been reading all of your threads on the latest developments. Arrgghhh.

I am going to suggest again that you go "dark" and the sooner the better. I know that you think dad doesn't come here anymore, but I'd bet my last dollar he does. I know the thought is terrifying to be cut off from the support you get here, but as others have said, you can establish other ways of support that aren't so open to BH or OW "eavesdropping."

I'll keep track of your email that you posted. Mine is capuccinolady@yahoo.com if you want to get in touch.

Hang in there. Stay calm, for the boys.

~ Snow

Mom,
I have been in the same yuck that you are in right now with the pill. I asked my H about it.....he had a very weak excuse...I got upset, he got mad at me for bringing it up...and it was just a big LB on my part...that got me nowhere in this maddening situation. Try to hang in there a bit longer...if you think you can, and do NOT bring up the pill...it won't work.
justinie97

Mom
I agree with Snowbelle. If my H had a way to see what I was thinking, you can bet he would have taken advantage of it. No, he did!
I found he would go into our bedroom, open the window, and listen when I talked with a friend on our back porch. He wanted to know where I was and what was going on in my head.
Your H knows about this site, knows you use it often and I'd bet he checks out what you are sayign about him here. Wouldn't you? Maybe not, I would have back during the A, I know I would.

I've got to add one more thing. You NEED someone to talk to and somewhere to talk. Take these offers of email and use them. The rest of us will miss hearing your stories and wonder what is up. But hey, we want the best for you not entertainment.

<small>[ May 04, 2004, 05:54 PM: Message edited by: lost&found ]</small>

I cant go dark guys! I just cant. This is my lifeline right now! Even thinking about not being able to post here tears me up. You dont know what you guys have done to get me thru the toughest moments of my life!

Update on the pill...Pill jar fell out of cabinet..how convenient <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and I said "oh, your levitra" he immediately said "I gave two to friend"...hmmm, ok, whatever. anyway, i will leave it at that. We had more of adiscusstion, but I will continue it over in my other thread.

If you guys dont mind...I want to close this one up. I have three theads going right now, and I am completely overwhelmed with the support and responses you guys have shown me.

BTW, that email addy I posted here is NOT my email addy I use. It is my MSN IM. Please use that to IM me and I will give you my email addy that way. Also Orchid has it, Redhat, lostnhurt and titleist all have my email! thank you so much guys!