The A is over. Exposure saved me and what was left of my sanity.

My FWH is doing everything he can to make this up to me. He is feeling very guilty and going above and beyond the call of duty to show me he loves me and that he's very very sorry.

Having said that I'll say that if he had not come out of the fog and was still treating me like he did before exposure I would probably still be kissing the ground that he walks on and begging him to love me again. (That's a run-on isn't it?)

But that's not the case. He is doing everything he should. I do not feel like I'm hang'n on the the A and it's impacts on me emotionally. I feel fine for the most part. Not depressed anymore. At least I don't think I am.

I see things that remind me of the A.
* I drive by OW's neighborhood on a daily basis.
* Songs on the radio.
* Certain people he was around during the A.
* HIS CELL PHONE!
* emails sent to a group of people and her name is directly in front of mine!
* Divorced couples make me think of the life I would be leading had I not been able to save my M.

I could come up with 1000 other examples but these are the first to come to mind. I consider these triggers and they are kill'n me.

Why? Why do I let myself go there? Why can't I just block it out?

When these things happen I tend to withdrawl or get upset. Should I discuss this with my FWH? Should I tell him that sometimes things remind of the pain?

I have recently found myself wanting to take the stance of:

"you think you can treat me like this? You think I'm not good enough for you? You wanna see what things are like without me and my girls? - (his words during the ILYBNILWY stage)...well have fun buddy because I'm drive'n on!"

I have those fleeting thoughts. Then I start to remember the small details during that time and I start to think...

HOW COULD YOU? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO US WHEN THE PAIN OF THE WAR WAS STILL IN OUR HEARTS AND THE FRIENDS WE LOST...ALL THE SUFFERING WE WENT THROUGH WHILE YOU WERE GONE....ONLY FOR YOU TO COME HOME AND DO THIS TO US!!!! WHY? WHY? WHY?

When other wives buried their husbands and I spent countless nights praying for you to come home to me. Would I trade places with those wives? Would I? Would the pain be any less? Not to deminish their suffering but the thought has crossed my mind...or did during the time.

I'm not helping our recovery here. Not at all. I just do not know how to deal with these triggers.

Anyone have ideas or similar situations to share?

We have dealt with this issue before. It has been recommended to have a sort of closure ceremony together. Going to the beach or open area and symbolically throw away the triggers, yell your heart out, etc.

Make new memories over the old triggers or start new ones.

I can't remember them all. I did the yelling at the beach as a closure for me. Then after the WS turned back into the H, we did a few things to stop some of the triggers I had.

There are still a few triggers left. He is aware of them and works to limit or eliminate them.

It is a slow process this recovery stuff. Takes great patience. Be glad you are doing it together.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid -

What a great idea! I need some examples here. I can see the closure thing working for me. We are going on a trip in June. I'll through my worries off of a mountain top.

Can you share with me some of your triggers and ways you eliminated them?

Thanks for responding.

Hi heroswife,

A couple of things we did.......

we had a "Burning off" ceromony, we took all the cards, letters and photo's OW gave H and burnt the lot in our backyard whilst H hugged me and we sipped champagne. (Sounds weird I know, but it worked for me)

Also all of his underwear went in the trash, one of my triggers was folding his underwear as I always thought "Wonder if this was the pair he had on that day". (again, silly, but true)

The major one for me was she initiated sex with him and after that I had a great deal of trouble initiating (That comparison [censored] takes over) so we found a solution so that I didn't have to even speak, lol. Now when I want to initiate, when he hugs me (we do that often) I pat him 3 times on the back, arm, chest, whatever. He knows then that I am in the mood. (again probably sounds silly, but it works for us)

Hope some of this helps.

Best wishes
mtheart

I did have a trigger attack yesterday, I found an old letter to OW on MY computer. I read it as I never really felt like I had the entire truth, but the letter confirmed I did.
After I read it I deleted it off my PC, I never mentioned it to H last night because it's now gone and why spoil a good night over something so horrible.

We went out for dinner and saw a movie (More enjoyable than hashing old wounds) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I believe that triggers are related to unforgiveness, it is something that my counselor related to me and over time, it has been confirmed to me.

When I decided to forgive, I wrote down every painful, hurtful wrong done to me. Wept, wailed, and as I am a Christian, gave it up to God to deal with. Then ripped up list.

Anytime the pain/thoughts return, I refuse them, "nope, not my responsiblity, check with the next Guy."

And, this passage sums it up:

from Freedom in Christ Ministries

April 30


quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE COST OF FORGIVENESS
Forgive your brother from your heart (Matthew 18:35 NIV).

Forgiveness is agreeing to live with the consequences of another
person's sin. Forgiveness is costly; we pay the price of the evil
we forgive. Yet you're going to live with those consequences
whether you want to or not; your only choice is whether you will
do so in the bondage of bitterness or the freedom of forgiveness.
That's how Jesus forgave you--He took the consequences of your
sin upon Himself. All true forgiveness is substitutional, because
no one really forgives without bearing the penalty of the other
person's sin.

Why then do we forgive? Because Christ forgave us. God the Father
"made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, that we might
become the righteousness of God in Him" (2 Corinthians 5:21).
Where is the justice? The cross makes forgiveness legally and
morally right: "For the death that He died, He died to sin, once
for all" (Romans 6:10).

How do you forgive from the heart? First, you acknowledge the
hurt and the hate. If your forgiveness doesn't visit the
emotional core of your past, it will be incomplete. This is the
great evangelical cover-up. Christians feel the pain of
interpersonal offenses, but we won't acknowledge it. Let God
bring the pain to the surface so He can deal with it. This is
where the healing takes place.

Ask God to bring to your mind those you need to forgive. Make a
list of all those who have offended you. Since God has forgiven
them by His grace, you can forgive them too. For each person on
your list, say: "Lord, I forgive (name) for (offenses)." Keep
praying about each individual until you are sure that all the
remembered pain has been dealt with. Don't try to rationalize or
explain the offender's behavior. Forgiveness deals with your
pain, not another's behavior. Remember: Positive feelings will
follow in time; freeing yourself from the past is the critical
issue.

Lord, I desire to be free from the hurt and the hate of offenses
in my past. Today I move beyond desiring to forgive and asking
Your help to forgive. Lord, I forgive _________ for ___________.

well you know HW that i'm still new at this but want to say something because you have been so supportive of me. now what can i say? Lor's post was very good ans would definitely second that God has the power to take away our thoughts, triggers, pain, and etc. and to just keep asking him to help you in that regard. as far as sharing what you are experiencing w/your H, i really couldn't speak to that. maybe run it by your counselor first then see what they have to say and then maybe share it w/your H while in the presence of a counselor? just an idea.

i'm trying not to dwell on thinking about what triggers i may have in the future because i don't feel like we are any where near that area, in fact, that's still in another atmosphere, not saying that it's impossible just that i'm only taking one day at a time. but one thing that does keep coming up is the OW name, and if some day years down the road after we have recovered, etc. is he going to hear that name and be reminded?

are you guys up for PCS orders any time soon? maybe just getting away from the area would help a lot. continued prayers to you and wish i knew more of what to say.

I havent reach this point yet (still in plan B) but i sure can relate to what you are feeling about the triggers.

I like the idea of burning all WH underwear... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Since WH told me his EA had turned physical...i am definately going to burn all his underwear!!!

I also like the ceremony idea. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will definately throw that DAMN HP OW gave him recently. I will smash it to pieces!!! That is the first thing i will do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anymore ideas?

Trigger... Some days I feel like Roy Rogers (that tells you how old I am!)

My husband and I are going to have a ceremonial bonfire made of all of the cards, letters, books, phone records, etc. etc. that were exchanged between he and the OW.

Before we light the fire, though, I'm going to smash the wristwatch that he gave her (I got it back!) to smithereens, along with some DVD's he had bought for her (I got those back, too!). He said that we'll use his sledge hammer to do the deeds, and that if I can't swing it by myself, he'll help. Just thinking about this makes me feel better.

Somehow, these ceremonies seem to give us BS's back a teensy feeling of being in control. I know that's not really true, since the OW won't be invited to the bonfire (Hey... THAT's an IDEA!!!!...nah)and won't know anything about my "celebration", but I'LL KNOW, and MY HUSBAND WILL KNOW.

Triggers? Songs do it for me, also seeing her car, or a car like hers, of COURSE seeing her in the flesh, remembering holidays that occurred during the 7 months of the A, etc.

For our anniversary (32!) this year, we are going to have a renewal of our vows - my husband's idea. For Christmas, we are going to take a trip to someplace we've never been to.

We are making NEW memories that in no way include the OW. The memories of this last year are all tied to the A, since she was a friend of my daughters, and was constantly in my home. I even gave her a surprise birthday party - blind, gullible, naive fool that I am.

So, IMHO, you should go through with the ceremony ideas. Work on focusing on NOW and the FUTURE. We can't change what's happened, only our future course (to some extent - God's will ought to have a say, too!). Do things together. Don't pound him into powder, but do be honest with him about these triggers. I do that -
I posted recently about some cards that he had given me during that time. I ran across them accidentally and was looking at them a couple of weeks ago. As I re-read them, it dawned on me that some of these cards were not bought with me in mind. I had a meltdown of sorts, and got VERY upset. I have gotten over that. I didn't confront my husband immediately about them, but he could tell that something was wrong. He asked me about it, and I told him, with many tears. You know, he just held me and kept saying how sorry he was. He didn't make any excuses other than to say that he wished that I could stop isolating each event and look at it as one big stinking mess. I, like you, can't seem to do that quite yet. Questions about things as they come up need to be answered for me. He is doing that, but at first, he didn't want to answer anything. The only answers given were to SPECIFIC questions, and then it was just "yes" or "no". Friends, I wanted particulars! I am beginning - just beginning - to see a lessening of my obsession over this. Of course, I've been on anti-depressants for a week and a half, too!!!!!

Listen to me give advice... I am just starting recovery, really. My husband's affair ended January 15th, 2004. If nothing else, know that I am praying for you all. I am praying that God will grant you a peace in your soul, and comfort for your hurting heart.

If I could just sleep, I think it would help...
Do you have that problem too? It's at night when I'm just lying there trying to sleep when the obsessive, hurtful thoughts seem to descend upon me.

God Bless you all.

Gees mine didn't buy OW anything. He just had sex with her. Can I still have that burning ceremony? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Hmmmm, can't imagine what I would smash and burn can you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

HINY

HI Heroswife,

I wish i had some great profound advice for your problem especially in light of the fact of how you helped me so on this board. The one thing I can think of to tell you that may help a bit, is that with the passing of time so too should these triggers pass. It sounds like you and your husband are doing great on the road to recovering and that in itself should also hopefully help with this as well.

Hi Heroswife!

Another poster touched on it: control. Triggers seemed to have all kinds of power over me when I felt uneasy in the new M my FWH and I were forging. And I felt uneasy for a long, long time!!! Like your H, mine was repentant and doing everything he could to reassure me, but still, I cringed at the triggers. A good trigger could reduce me to an angry mess in mere minutes!

The burning ceremony works for a lot of folks, but I could never figure out how to burn that Park-N-Ride lot I pass all the time, that place where I knew they did it in her truck! I don't think the owners of that hot tub place in town would take kindly to my taking a sledge-hammer to the walls simply because my H got another woman pregnant there. When "their" song played on the radio I was fit to be tied!!!!

My triggers run along those lines. All I could do was practice taking control of my emotions when a trigger would hit me. I also had to remind myself that it was OK to feel the trigger, but that I didn't have to let it rule my response.

Time passed. As time passes and you feel secure again in your M, the triggers just don't mean the same thing or elicit the same response.

Now, when I ride past that hot tub place I say a prayer for the baby who was aborted to cover her parent's sin. When I pass the Park-N-Ride, I just marvel at how far H and I have come. And when that song plays, I just sing along.

It's a good song!

It just took time, at least for me.

~ Snow

heroswife:

I am 7 1/2 mos. past DDay #1 and only 4 1/2 mos. past DDAy #2.

Some triggers I "did" away with. His cellphone - which was their main mode of communication (D@mn you, Joe Cellphone, or whoever invented them!!) For two days after Dday #1 she kept sending him text messages. FWH did away with that trigger. He took a hammer to the darn thing. Smashed the phone to bits! Unfortuately he had to get another one for work purposes but at least its a new carrier and phone #.

Another was his car. It was the scene of the PA crime so to speak (along with her car also). After many months of fighting extreme nausea and the shakes just riding in the darn thing,I refused to get in it anymore. He got rid of it. He didn't even want it anymore. I wanted to take his car and ram it into her car and do away with both reminders. I see her car EVERYWHERE in my neighborhood. I have to drive by it on my way to the main highway here, and she has taken to cruising down my street in the mornings. FUN!

I had a trigger today but controlled it. I went to his work to have lunch with him and called him on his cell to tell him I was in the parking lot. It threw me into Voicemail immediately. It did that everytime he was on the phone or texting her. Instantaneously and involuntarily I felt like I had been kicked in the chest. It just brought back all the pain at realizing all the times I tried to reach him and couldnt when he was with her or talking with her. He came outside and got in the car. For a moment I glared at him and was so angry. He said Sorry my phone didnt ring - I was in a dead spot (lots of spots in his office where no cellphone will work) I took a deep breath and let it go. Said to myself, its over, its over, its over. We went and had a nice lunch.

It takes time to control triggers. Or maybe not even control triggers, but your reactions to them. I think when your reactions lessen and lessen, those things cease to be triggers. At least thats my hope!!

HW - hope things get easier for you! Take care!

Hi HW, sorry to hear you are having a hard time, especially since things have improved for you so much.

I think you are suffering from H being away, which leads you to dwell on the past, rather than the present if he was there at the moment.

Im sure H would rather know about thses thoughts than to wonder what is wrong with you when you appear withdrawn.

Approach it calmly, and try not to just make him feel guilty, make it feel like he can help. Men like to feel they can control things! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Above all, stay relaxed and use these triggers to remind yourself of what you have achieved in the last few months and how strong you are.

Sending lots of love to you xxx

<small>[ May 06, 2004, 05:25 AM: Message edited by: ks2001 ]</small>

This is very normal, it is akin to post traumatic stress disorder. You are actually feeling safer in your relationship so that you are now dealing with what happened. The triggers will fade over time as you make new memories. The bottom line here is that he chose to be with you. He is sorry and anyone can make a mistake, it is very painful for you-I know-but at some point you will start to let go of it when you feel ready to. I am 3 years out and I still get a trigger now and then when I think I see her.

All -

I greatly appreciate all of your responses. I didn't post yesterday as I had a terrible day. I did come here and ready your responses though.

I can't tell you how much your suggestions and support are helping me.

I spoke to my H about my triggers yesterday...well in a round about way. I just told him that sometimes I see or hear something that reminds me and I let it overwhelm me. I apologized for being a "bat outta hell" for the past few days. Then I said the fellowing:

I love you more then I can express with words. You are my hero and always will be. I know that with you being gone I am allowing myself to dwell on the past (hit the nail on the head KS!). Please bare with me when I am going through this. I'll try to head this off at the pass before I let myself get worked up. I'm sorry and I need you to know that.

He just said that he completely understood and that he will stand by me and support me through this. He also said you don't have anything to worry about...you're my Bubba (that's what we call each other).

So that made me feel so much better. I guess I felt good because I've never really come out and told him things like this before the A. Now I try to just be as open as possible with him.

So I am going to plan a TRIGGER BURNING PARTY the week we are in the mountains. I will bring the cell phone bills, emails and his current cell phone. (Guess I'll have to buy him a new one before.) I think this is an excellent idea! I can't believe I didn't think about it before.

I also think that I'll sit him down and talk to him about ways he can help me regain his trust. Right now I trust him but have reservations about that trust and sometimes I just feel stupid for believing him.

Here's a big one though. Our 10 yr anniversary is coming up in October. This whole A started around our 9 yr anv. I remember thinking how could you do this to me...especially around the time we should be celebrating our love. I knew something was wrong at the time and even told him that I felt like that would be our last anv...this was weeks before I found out.

So my 10 yr anv.will bring this full circle. I think I'll plan to renew our vows. Just a thought. I've read about others doing that on this board. That would totally squash this trigger.

How about this...my name is a trigger....FOW lives on a street that has my name in it! YUCK!!!!! I wonder if she thinks about me when she sees that sign.

thinking of you HW and hope your are doing well, prayers and hugs to you, RR

Thank you rough.

So far so good. I did hit a bird this morning on my way home after dropping the kids off. I felt terrible and even cried.

I have resolved myself to have a good day today. I miss my H so much now. He's been gone for almost 2 weeks and he'll be gone for another. I'm just ready for him to come home.

I've tried to avoid the triggers today. I had a very big one this morning. I had a conversation with a very close friend that knows about the situation. He told he was made aware of another relationship she is having with another soldier..yes this soldier reports to her and I'm pretty sure he is married.

Now what? Where's Mortarman when I need him. Am I obligated to raise attention to this situation? I do not want to cause anymore issues for me and my H but I know she does this all the time. She's ruining marriages left and right and all the while she's supposed to be a leader to these soldiers. It just makes my stomach turn.

I want to have a good day today. Hearing about her latest victim has depressed me.

Why do people do this? Why? I can come up with a 1000 excuses but none make sense when you know the pain that results.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heroswife:
<strong>Am I obligated to raise attention to this situation?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think you're "obligated" per se, but you can't unknow what you know - assuming it's not just rumor. Hard to believe someone in authority isn't watching her by now. I suggest you discuss this with your H. Maybe it's something more proper for him to consider when he gets back.

Hi HW

I expect someone in the chain of command above her will have cottoned on to what she is doing by now. All you have to do is wait and watch, because it will be very satisfying indeed when she gets what she deserves!

I think you should definitely renew your vows. Start planning now, so you have a project to focus on while he is away. You could prepare it all, and make a provisional booking, then surprise him when you go to the mountains. Just an idea.

You can throw yourself into the planning which will help you forget your triggers. Every time you feel down, concentrate on looking forward to your anniversary.

Sending love xxx