Thank you KS -

I do think I'll start the plannign but it will be something simple with just close friends....no stress. I have enough of this with my job.

So WAT -

Are you thinking that I tell H about this? Wouldn't that be harmful to recovery? I know this man is married. I know this isn't a rumor...outta the horses mouth if you please.

Here's the deal...I told someone close to both myself and my H. WAT I believe he walked up to me while we were talking in DC. He knew who you were and why you were there. Now when I talk to him these days he fills me in on things. We rarely discuss the A at all. He was just as flabergasted I was by the way. He's always looked up to my H (even though he was my H's boss for many years) He's a great friend to my H. I told him to see if he could help get us out of our new duty station. He wasn't able to...obviously, I'm still here. So that's where the news came from. I guess he told me because he thought I'd find it interesting that my theory of her being a WHORE was correct....albeit I had proof of that long ago.

Not putting all the blame on the BFW here....my FWH was just as much to blame. OK, bygones.

So now that I know she has had several of these A's with the men in her unit and now one A has been brought to the attention of the chain of command yet she still proceeds to act like this.

Would it be wrong of me to head butt her at the next social outing? Would that be completely uncalled for?

i think you are better than ever talking to her again or even wasting your time w/her.

what about placing a complaint to the IG? or leaking something to those that have the power to do something about the member?

would be a very difficult situation to be in and not sure how i would handle it. i kind of see it from a couple of different ways. i would want to spare the current BS from any additional hurt/pain, this BFW needs to be taken DOWN, but also we are a child of God and how would he want us to handle it?

you only got a week to go and hubby will be back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> prayers to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heroswife:
<strong>Are you thinking that I tell H about this? Wouldn't that be harmful to recovery?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My thought was that this could be HELPFUL to recovery - but who am I to know? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Helpful, maybe, because you should be practicing radical honesty and info like this reasonably would be of interest to your H. Trying to put myself in his boots, knowing she's just moved on to another soldier despite whatever eyes might be on her further defines her nutso characteristics. I guess I would find some comfort in seeing still further evidence that she's a complete whacko and this would help me see the "crime" I was involved in more clearly as being influenced by a whack job. But your H is not me and he or others might find their comfort in other ways.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Would it be wrong of me to head butt her at the next social outing? Would that be completely uncalled for? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, not at all. In fact, get her up dancing on a table first so that the head butt can be seen really well by all. This is a very acceptable retribution and of all the things you COULD do to make a lasting "impression", this is one of them.

WAT

RR-

You are right. I have let the new evidence anger me and forgotten that I am a child of God. I might try praying about this.

WAT -

Of course you know that I would never headbut this woman....ok, unless provoked. Now I would however go to the next social outing and be radiant and charismatic so that everyone in the place leaves thinking that I am an Angel sent from above. That's how I operate. I do not have to fake it...I'm just a sweet compassionate person. Much like my accent, I can't hide that.
I do think I will speak to my H about it. I think I might even let him know who the new OM is so he can see for himself.

On to KS -

So in planning the renewing of my vows....I need some starter tips. I'm thinking at the Beach...Tybee Island maybe. A few friends and family members, my girls dressed in summer white dresses. NO SHOES!!!! Maybe a nice dinner to follow. Then have my family take the girls for the weekend while H and I spend some time on the beach sipping Fru Fru drinks (he likes'em but makes me do the ordering). Do you think that would be cheezy? Should I go for something more formal?

That would be a wonderful and fulfilling moment.

Make sure you give her a nosebleed! Especially if she is wearing something expensive.

On second thoughts, she probably only has cheap whore clothes! LMAO <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Goodnight, hope you feel better about things.

The beach: do it, it sounds fantastic. Who needs formality anyway?

You could wear pink flip-flops and a sarong.

Sending love

sorry, just had another idea.

How about just you and your H and the girls?
Minimum stress, maximum intimacy.
Its also very meaningful: you would be showing each other where your priorities lie for the next 10 years.

Its sounding exciting already!

HerosWife,

Sorry for butting in here, but I was reading along and had a thought. How about NOT renewing your vows?
I strikes me as funny when people do this, so what you are going to hear/read are my personal quirks about this.

It occurs to me your vows are still in place. It occurs to me that while your H broke his vows, he has and is making a determined effort to keep them now. It occurs to me that renewing vows somehow means that neither of you understood them before. I really doubt that is true for either of you.

However, I do believe a "public" proclamation of your intense love for one another might be more in keeping with what you seek. What I mean by public is with your family or even close friends. Do you see what I mean?

You two are not getting remarried, heck you and yes your H have worked too hard to have to remarry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You saved the marriage, so there is no need.

But, you know what would be even better for your kids and your friends??? You and your H just being really happy with one another and showing that to everyone you meet. It is a great gift to your children AND your friends. Both were hurt by what happened because they cared for you and H so much, and now you two can give back by making the marriage something special, making it so that they bask in the glow of what you two feel for one another, and take comfort in being around you both.

Think about that.

You see that is why I was never big on renewing vows. It seems to me that is missing the point. The gift you give one another, your children, and your friends is the calmness that comes with happiness in your marriage. If one cannot do that, why bother with renewing vows? If one can do that, you don't need to renew anything, the marriage has already been renewed.

So just have a party for the people that supported you during this. The people that are your H's friends. Your children. And ENJOY and let them ENJOY your happiness with one another. They will see all that is necessary to see and know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just some thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

For those of you who have had the bonfire or burning ceremony to do away with all the triggers, have you considered putting the OP in the bonfire?

Ok....here's my thoughts. I like the idea of renewing my vows. Not because of it will be a process of renewing them but it's more of a rededication to each other and our family. I was thinking this would really help me remove the trigger surrounding my anv.

Since my H and I have given ourselves to the Lord I'm thinking we might work in a family baptism. We had discussed getting baptised as a family before but this would give a whole new meaning to the renewing our vows. Make it a dedication of the family to our Faith in God.

I was even thinking of only having our pastor and his family there with us. We are very close to them...or were really close prior to our move. We do not see each other often now but we love them dearly.

Just a thought.

Alright...now about the comment of throwing the OP in the bonfire of triggers....I honestly believe that will happen soon enough. Living the lives of an OP or atleast the OP in my situation will lead them to that fire soon enough. I do not wish that on her. I realize some people become an OP to escape their lives but habitual OP are people that do not want to change. Like the OP in this situation. It's obvious she has done this many times before and will continue to do this. She doesn't care about the people she is hurting. I have prayed for her. I wish she would change and become a better person. She is in a position to do so much good in her life.

I wish I could understand why she is doing this. Low self esteem? Abuse in her past? Abuse now? What? Why?

OK enough of feeling sorry for BFW. (I say that after my speech about devoting myself to Christ...I'll pray for my soul later!) I can want to stab her in the forehead with a fork and feel sorry for her at the same time.

So my H will be home in a week. I miss him terribly. Along with the truck I bought him during his deployment I bought him tickets to see Dave Chapelle. I just found out he was coming to our area and on the spur of the momment bought some tickets. He will be more excited about that then he will be about the truck.

a lot of interesting thoughts about the vows thing. i can understand all the reasons given here. i like the idea more of just having you and your H, your kids, and your pastor. the re-dedicating of your vows is more for you and your immediate family (h and kids), for creating new memories, re-claiming your M, and getting rid of triggers. the beach sounds wonderful, then maybe around the same time (not necessarily on the same day) you could have a party for all your family and friends, just because and you and your H can glow to everyone w/out saying a word.

but on the other hand, i can see what JL was saying and i would even go as far as comparing this to the baptism thing. if you've already been baptised, you know you don't have to do it again and that is not why we go to Heaven. i believe in re-dedicating your lives to Christ, i'm doing this myself but feel more inclined that if you did this then it means the first time didn't count. baptism is our first act of obedience to God after we confess our sins and accept his son as our saviour and it has to be done by us alone. i'm not saying that people aren't baptized on the same day or time as others, especially if your at a particularly large church but i think you get my drift.

i'm glad you are praying for the OW, that really is the best thing that we can do, the best thing that any of us can do for one another. don't know if you have seen the Passion of Christ movie but it hit more home to me in regards to loving and praying for our enemies. i started praying for the OW in my case a couple of months ago along w/her family. it hadn't occured for me to do that until lostnhurt said she was praying for the OW in her case. anyway, i KNOW you will make and do whatever decision is best for you and your family and are trying to do God's will. continued strength and prayers to you, RR

<small>[ May 07, 2004, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

heroswife, hope you had a good weekend and are doing well, prayers to you, RR

RR -

Good weekend. Spent most of it at the pool with my girls. They had a blast. I thought the baby would be miserable but she loved it!

My H comes come on Friday. That day can't get here soon enough. Having him gone has been very hard on recovery.

I hope you had a good weekend as well.

hw,
dont forget to let us know how it goes when H comes back. Ill be thinking of you friday.
With lots of love x

Oh KS...bad news to report today.

Turns out my H won't be home on Friday. Since he's 13 hours ahead of us he thought he'd be home Friday but now we know it won't be until Saturday. There goes my plans for an amazing homecoming! So he'll be home sometime Saturday afternoon. I was planning on picking him up from the airport while the kids were at school so we could have some alone time before they came home.

Oh well....I'll have to come up with another homecoming plan. When we would go off to war or train in some 3rd world country we would always plan HUGE homecomings...equiped with Welcome Home signs and treats...maybe we'll do that. It'll give the kis something to do while they wait Saturday. Not sure yet but I'll make it a Hero's Welcome Home...even if he was only teaching a class in Korea and not actually fighting in the war.

If nothing else it will be funny.

Sending love and prayers to you all.

just think about how much your H is looking forward to coming home! Korea is nice, i lived there for 4 months, good food, pretty country, nice people but it's not like home. i just hope his flights aren't delayed, nothing like having the plans and things waiting to find out that someone is going to be later than expected. but we won't think about that too much, at least you know now and can adjust your plans accordingly.

i just had a session w/SH and posted it under my "session" thread, it's long so only read it if you are having a rough day or are bored <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> have a good day and remember saturday is still a lot sooner then sunday <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> prayers to you, RR

Great idea to involve the kids. He will be overwhelmed, Im sure! He may also feel pangs of guilt when he realises what he almost lost.

Now is the time to throw yourself into recovery. Everyone here wishes you the best, and we will be waiting here when you want to vent about any setbacks.

Sending love