Well, I had a long talk with Dylan on the phone tonight, and it seemed kind of hopeful. But now that it's over and I'm thinking of everything that was said, I'm confused and fearful.

She has still expressed a desire to move back in. I shared my concerns about that and suggested that if she wasn't committed to working on restoring our marriage, she should consider looking for her own place once she is here. She seemed ok with that.

I also expressed my concerns that she would move here then want to move out but take Minidewt with her. She said that was a fair worry. She would like to have him live with her. Other, more subtle things were mentioned that did nothing to allay my fears. I suggested, for example, that we might need a mediator. She agreed.

We talked about a time frame for her coming. She said at the very ealiest it would be mid-end of June and at the latest mid-late August.

I am really worried that she will try to take my son from me. Really worried. I swear to you all I will not survive that. I'm already a weekend dad to one child and I know that I cannot face that again. I will die. No exageration. No threats of suicide either, just plain fact.

She mentioned that if she wasn't here by the time he finished school she expected him to go and spend the summer with her, and me visiting on the weekends. I'm not comfortable with that in the least. We did agree to it a few months ago when we were discussing not getting back together, but as the time approaches, I'm freaking over two things.

One, I can't bear the thought of not having him in my daily life. Even if I didn't love Dylan with all my heart, I'd give this relationship everything I had just to be able to be his daily dad.

Two, if she decides not to give him back and I don't have a legal agreement with her, she'd more than likely get away with it.

We're in Canada and fathers aren't treated very well in the courts here. I'm getting frazzled just thinking about it. So I'll drop the topic, but here's one area I could really use some impartial advice. I don't want to rush off and see a lawyer, cause that would just blow whatever chances we still have away, but at the same time while I'm willing to take risks with my feelings, I'm not when it comes to my son.

I don't want to lovebust, or go back on arrangements, but frankly I don't trust her. Not that I think she's malicious, but still she's behaved in ways I'd never expected of her and I don't know what to believe or expect anymore.

She's not planning on no contact with OW till she leaves town. She says it's not an affair anymore. I don't think it makes a difference to me what the details of their relationship is. The fact that they are still hanging together is in so many ways an indication of so many things... despite all the 'good' reasons she has for continuing contact...

She's agreed to come and see a psychologist with me...

She expressed a strong desire for no-contact with my ex-wife. I don't see how that would be possible. I assured her that if we were to decide to attempt a reconciliation together that I would do everything in my power to come to an agreement that would satisfy the needs of all parties. (namely: me, Dylan, Mini-dewt and Maxi-dewt)

I don't know what to do...

All I know is that I'm not thinking clearly...

I think about mid-August, and don't think I can hold out that long... not with her still seeing OW, not without some form of commitment from her... certainly not without my son...

There is hope, but again... how many times before have I felt hope only to have nothing come of it...

I told her "I love you," on the phone and she didn't say it back. Not that this is noteworthy, it's been this way for months...

I'm afraid now... really afraid.

What should I do?

dewt

<small>[ May 04, 2004, 09:21 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

See my response above dewt...this was before you deleted it.

O

Hello Dewt,

Here are my impressions based on what you have written. Dylan doesn't sound like she is committed to working out your marriage. Ffforget all the "good reasons" she has for continuing to see the OW. What are her reasons anyways? Whatever they are, if she wanted her marriage she would do away with contact.
She misses Mini, that's understandable. Regardless of whatever arrangement you had made, you have no written/legal agreement which sais that she could have hinm for the summer. It sounds a bit fishy to me that shesais she will move in with you july/august (giving you hope for the marriage) but she would already have mini with her and making you think she will return with him??? I don't know Dewt, you have to think this out carefully...
Here is what I would do:
1) Get a mediator ASAP and work out an agreement that you & she can live with regarding custody
2) If she wants to see a psychologist, let her get her own and work out her s**t independently of you... she is not ready to work on a marriage & she may never be. Work out your own stuff with your own psychologist.
3) For the love of God and mini let her get her own place. Don't put mini through any more confusion. He is making leaps and bounds coping with the situation at hand and gradually accepting it (re: another post regarding his artwork).
She never said she loved you on the phone, but I think she needs to give you a bit of (empty) hope, so that she may get what she wants... to be closer to mini and not necessarily to you.

That is what I understand from what you posted.

Peace,
Odyssey

dewt, I don't know much of your story, so forgive me if my next question sounds lame. Is your W struggling with sexual orientation issues? At 1st I wasn't sure if you and she were a gay couple. Then I got the message from posts about exW that you are definitely male. So what gives here? Is she bisexual, or is she definitely gay? Just curious if you don't mind me asking.

As far as consulting a lawyer, I'd say go for it. You need to know your rights. If keeping your child is your highest desire than you do need to protect both him and you. You obviously don't trust W, and for good reason. Consulting a lawyer doesn't mean you aren't working on your M, just that you won't be forced to get an appt. in a panicked state of mind. Just my opinion. CV

dewt:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am really worried that she will try to take my son from me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We're in Canada and fathers aren't treated very well in the courts here. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want to lovebust, or go back on arrangements, but frankly I don't trust her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I had a long talk with Dylan on the phone tonight, and it seemed kind of hopeful. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm going to put this very succinctly. You're not rich enough to run off to another continent somewhere and start a life with mini-dewt. And even if you were, you probably couldn't grab maxi-dewt too. The courts in Canada will not rule in your favor, should this come to a custody battle---nor should they. You should expect to share physical custody with Dylan regarding your son.

Your answer: put your goddamn effort into making this marriage work. You don't trust Dylan---hmmmm, I'm going to take a big stab in the dark and guess that she doesn't trust you. I dunno---maybe the fact that you just slept with your ex-W has something to do with her fear of contact with her. You two have a long history together, and unfortunately that history is tainted with bad behavior on both sides. It will take time to repair.

At this point, I would suggest that neither of the two of you are behaving particularly well as parental role models. You have taken a bad situation and made it much worse over the course of the last two months. I see no serious effort on your part to do effective counseling, or make good decisions. You have a couple of choices---you can both trust your feelings and emotions and let them drive you to the end of your marriage, and watch your son suffer spectacularly throughout the end of this and well into his adult life. Or the two of you can try to make this work with real help---and learn to go from not hurting each other with disasterously bad behavior; to regaining some lost trust, to learning to like each other, to possibly falling in love.

With your current state of the marriage, this will be a long, difficult process. But I don't see any better option for you---you will lose a custody fight, and you'll ruin your child's life in the process.

Whoa whoa whoa....

I don't have a lot of time right now to post, so I'll make this really quick.

I've been through the custody battle thing already... AND I've seen what it does to the child who is caught in the middle...

Furthermore, one thing that Dylan and I have discussed is that the term "shared parenting" is what we will base our arrangement upon.

Also, I'm all for repairing this family. Yes, I've made some mistakes. Yes, I have. And big ones. But, I'm still here. I admit to my errors in judgement and I'm still fighting for this to work.

Also, I started counselling last week. I'm trying to make good decisions, but I have precious little upon which to base those decisions.

I've already lost my wife and family unit. I'm desperately afraid she is going to try to take my son from me too. Desperately afraid, and she is giving me no reassurance that it's not going to happen.

Anyway, I'll come back later and post some more. I really wish Dylan would join in on some of these conversations. She may not feel much like marriage building, but there are other issues that require her attention.

dewt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm desperately afraid she is going to try to take my son from me too. Desperately afraid, and she is giving me no reassurance that it's not going to happen.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Fear is an excellent motivator. It sounds as though, court-wise, that you'll lose custody no matter what you attempt. So, taking that as a given---what are your options? It seems to me that working on the marriage is the best of the alternatives. What's stopping Dylan from taking mini-deut right now??? If it's still feelings for you and mini-deut, how are your actions affecting these feelings?

At this point, deut---you're going to have to decide between some sort of "conservative" plan that will allow you to maintain as much control over mini-deut, and a real marriage plan that may throw your protection of your position to the side, so that the two of you can attempt to reconcile in a meaningful fashion.

What counseling did you start last week? Is it for your marriage? And if so, what's your Plan (or if you care not to post it---is there a plan)?

You ought to be afraid. Very. But you need to take that fear and fight. Fight for your marriage. And to do this, you need to demonstrate clear actions that have Dylan's and mini-deut's best interests in mind. I have heard lots of talk from you, but you must DO the work. You must MAKE the right decisions and choices.

I don't want custody. I want my family back. If I can't have that, I want to keep what's left of my family together. I don't feel the need to have "sole custody". I feel that both parents are important and despite all of this, still believe this. I do not want to go to court and fight it out. Win or lose, everyone loses. I know this from painful, bitter experience.

That being said, I had a long talk with Dylan tonight and put my fears of lovebusting aside and focused on communicating my feelings and fears. I feel that we had a good and honest conversation.

In the end, she assured me that she would not take mini for the summer and then refuse to give him back. She made it very clear... stated it very plainly... and that is really all I need to allay my fears.

Really and truly, what I posted here I should have told her last night on the phone. I just didn't want to bust some love and I realize how that can make things difficult.

Anyway, she promised and regardless of everything that's gone on in our lives, I don't think of her as a lier.

Am I still scared? Heck yeah. But I also realize that I'm going to have to go out on a few limbs if I want to have a hope of working this out.

You need to understand that regardless of whatever advice I ever received here, or whatever my fears, she'd have never been on the receiving end of a surprise affidavit. Worse come to worse, I'd have talked to her first and if that failed I'd have sought mediation.

Anyway, thanks for replying.

Odyssey,

Thanks for popping in. You summarized my fears very well in your post.

Despite my fears, I feel that I will have to trust her on this. It is her son, and I have her promise. Despite all else, I feel these two things mean something to her.

I have given her ample reason to not want to commit to saving the marriage. Recently and over the years. I cannot ask her or pressure her into something she is not ready for. Only when she decides for herself that 'enough is enough' will we get anywhere.

Someone has got to take the first step, and on this, I think I have to have faith in her. I pray that I'm not making a huge mistake. As afraid as I am, I don't think this is a mistake.

On the other hand, I will play things by ear. A written agreement between us might not be such a bad idea. Even if it's not for legal purposes, it would be a good excersise in communication and make things perfectly clear and we could refer to it in the future if ever disagreements were to arise.

As for her moving in, that is still a go. We will be upfront and honest with Mini to the fullest extent possible. Even if she is only here for a short time, and our marriage doesn't survive all his, I am committed to helping her get back into her son's life asap. In the end, I truly want happiness for her and if she doesn't want to find and build it with me, my concience and love for her allows me no other choice but to help her as much as I can.

CV55

I think my wife is mainly struggling with 'dewt' issues. I don't think her sexuality is that big an issue. I could be wrong. But I doubt it.

I will hold off on the lawyer thing. I've been there done that already in a previous life and if things get that bad between us, I'd seek mediation waaaaaay before I actually went to see a laywer.

Thanks all,

dewt