Last night my H and me sat down to talk. I really wanted to know what the major problem was in our marriage. Why he wanted out so bad. He says it's not about the OW that he has been having a EA with. So I really wanted to know just what was going through his head. He says he feels like he can't talk to me because I always get emotional about everything. I asked him was I suppose to be happy and do cartwheels with everything that is going on.

Well he finally said one of the major things that is bugging him is that he feels stuck like our marriage is not going anywhere. Said he feels like I cannot inspire him to do the things he wants. Like write his book and draw and try to sell his things. I don't draw and I am not that good with words but I do try things to motivate him. Just seems like he doesn't see this. Says he doesn't really want to try to make it work.

He feels like he has tried thoughout our marriage which has been almost 3 years. Although the OW was there for him all this time emotionaly for him. He said she motivates him makes him want to try. He just keeps saying is it fair just to stay for the kids? I told him why not stay because you know it is the right thing to do and work on the bad things and make it better and the ultimate benefit would be that we would not be hurting the kids.

He feels he can still be a good father and still leave. Said he wants to be there for me and take care of me. I just don't know what to do. I want him to stay not just because of the kids but because he wants to see if we can make our marriage better. I told him to tell me know if he wants to go then I will leave this weekend. And he can call a lawyer and realitor.. Then he says no because he doesn't want to leave if I am going to be bitter over everything.

What does he expect? Me to be happy and allow him in my life like he has done no wrong. I told him if he was going to stay give it a true try ... I said atleast for three years and without contact with the OW. That way we can see if it's just the fog or if he truly is unhappy and doesn't want to try. He said Fine... He also says one of the reasons he does not want to stop contacting the OW is because I want him to. So maybe I should just be quiet about it and see if he stops himself since he told me I do have a right to be angry and that he knows it's wrong.

I am so torn do I except the fact that he may be just staying for the kids or do I just leave and say forget everything. I am 3 months pregnant with our 2 child and this is so stressful. Just can't understand why he wants to leave and not even give our marriage a real try. He says it's not about her but I believe he is fooling himself. I also believe there is a part of him that does want to stay that is why he keeps making excuses as to why he can't leave me.. Anyone out there have any advice... I think the easiest thing would be to leave and give up but I am a fighter and want to try to make this marriage work..

Sad - he's following the script.

What ever you do, DO NOT LEAVE!

If he decides to leave, tell him you'd rather work on your marriage, but then don't try to stop him.

Are you comfortable with your knowledge of the MB concepts?

Have you exposed the affair?

Why do you refer to it as an EA? Because HE said it wasn't physical? (It doesn't matter either way.)

BTW, I'm in Md. as well. Mont. Co.

There was some physical things that happened by not totally sleeping together. He met her online and she lives about 10 hours from us. He met her about 3times or so in person. Now it consists of phone contact and email. He says she is just a friend and doesn't want to give that up. But I know we can't make it better if she is still involved anyway in his life.

I read about MB concepts. Everytime I try to do the right things he does something like stay at work late and call her and I get so upset. I guess I need to work on the busters.

His family knows about what is going on and told him he is stupid if he leaves me. They tell him all the time what a wonderful wife he has and want thim to work things out. The OW didn't know he was married until about 2 days before he finally told me what was going on. She must not care though because she still has her claws in him.

He says I am wonderful and the kids and me are the most important thing in his life but I feel like that is a bunch of bullcrap.

Yes, he is following the WS script almost exactly. When you ask him questions he is going to give you Blah, Blah, Blah.

The unhappiness he feels in the M right now and the unwillingness to work things out is PRECISELY the OW and the A's fault. Don't let him make you beleive otherwise...he is trying to rationalize his selfish behavior.

BUT, you don't let him know that...you go along with it. When he says you don't support him, say "I'm sorry, I hadn't realized, thank you for telling me, what can I do to help." Be prepared for him not to want to work it out...that would mean he would have no excuse to continue his selfish behavior.

CUT OUT THE LB's, let me say it again, CUT OUT THE LB's. Yes, you are hurt, he is saying some pretty downright hurtful things, and acting in hurtful ways, but his is a pod person, like invasion of the body snatchers.

After I found out about my H's cyber A's he tried to tell me it was because we weren't having enough sex...Huh? I thought, we're having more sex now than you want...2x, 3x/week, and more if you would let me...so I knew that wasn't true.

They will say the CRAZIEST things (check out the Fogese threads that periodically appear on the forum). My FWH actually asked me if it was OK if he could have a wife AND a girlfriend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

What's your plan right now? Plan A? What have you done, what will you be doing?

I have been trying to do plan A but I think I keep messing up with the love busters. I asked many times in here if plan A can work sometimes even if the other person is in contact with the OW. But I never get a answer. I was thinking if I do plan A and stop the love busters that maybe he will realize that our marriage isn't as bad as he thought and that he would want to try. I will keep trying till he leaves or till I had enough then I must go to Plan B. I know it's not healthy for my pregnancy to be this stressed so I am trying to not focus on the bad and trying to make things better.

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

SML, not sure what to say since, i'm still new at this myself. but i do see lots of encouraging things, like he doesn't necessarily want to leave, and that your IL's are on your side. i don't know your story so please forgive me if i ask things that you've already stated. how about counseling? are you in IC? is he? are you both in MC? have either one of you done any type of counseling at all? i'm sure others will soon reply to you but i think a lot of them will also contend that if you understand the MB concepts and believe in them then the best thing to do is to go to the source. counsel w/one of the MB counselors.

don't know what your financial situation is but it's gotta be better than mine and i will be having my 6th session next week w/SH. i feel, let me stress that, i feel, that this is what i have to do right now because i want my M to be saved. i've run up credit cards to pay for it but right now i think that it's worth it. counseling w/one of the harleys is the best and most importantly you will get immediate professional feedback specific to your situation. of course it would be best if both you and your h were to do the counseling but it would still be helpful if you do it by yourself. it will help you gain some control and keep you focused. i know were not in the same situation but if you want to get an idea of what is talked about in a session you can look at my thread under this forum that starts "chris-CA123& other OT's 5th session w/SH...."

you will be asked probably a lot of exposure questions here so be prepared for that. another way you could help us out is to update your signature line w/your ages, length of M, kids, etc. it just gives us a snapshot of what your situation is so that we don't keep asking the same questions over and over as well as people will respond certain ways depending on your situation. does that make sense?

other suggestions will be to make sure you've read dr. harley's books, read all you can on the MB homepage, read and post here as much as you can. sometimes when your new it takes for you to reply to other posts before people will start to reply to you. anyway, i'm sorry for what you are going through, still sad that so many people are in the same boat but that when we can support each other. Also, remember that God is the best counselor of all, he's always avilable and he's free. prayers to you.

Right now we are not in MC. He said before he would go if I want. I guess that is something we can do to see if things can go back to normal. Right now I will try anything I love him so much and don't want to lose him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SadMarylandLady:
<strong> I asked many times in here if plan A can work sometimes even if the other person is in contact with the OW.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sad - you may have an incomplete understanding of Plan A.

Plan A cannot fail, unless you stop trying, because Plan A is primarily what you do to YOURSELF - it's not something you do to the WS. What the WS happens to be doing has no bearing on your Plan A - until you decide to go to Plan B.

Here's my canned explanation of Plan A:

The way I understand Plan A, it's based on two premises that must be accepted:

1. The BS cannot end the affair.

2. The affair developed, to some extent great or small, due to a poor marital environment which the BS, to some extent great or small, contributed to.

If a BS cannot accept these two statements as givens, they will not be able to implement Plan A.

With these facts established, there is only one constructive thing a BS can do to influence the course of an affair: change the affair-friendly marital environment by eliminating the BS contributions to it.

To this end, the BS must perform an introspective search for all the things they were doing or not doing that contributed to the WS's decision to have an affair - and then eliminate those negative contributions. These may include failure to meet emotional needs or disbursing too many love busters - but is usually some combination of both.

This DOES NOT mean that the BS "caused" the affair. This DOES NOT mean that the BS can or should try to change failings of the WS.

It simply means that the BS needs to change and improve the only thing they have control over - themselves - to eliminate love busters and begin meeting as many emotional needs of the WS as they can.

Central in this is stopping all disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, and demands. This is agonizingly difficult in the face of an affair. A BS has to counter the common knee jerk reactions of demanding the WS "straighten up" and delivering ultimatums and threats. Acting in this fashion simply reinforces the WS's rationalizations to conduct the affair in the first place - because the marriage "is over" or expendable and the spouse is unreasonable, therefore the affair is justifiable.

Invariably, this course leads BSs to feel like doormats and [censored] kissers. It also conjures up thoughts of enabling the affair by not resisting it. But the better logic to apply is that the BS isn't a doormat or enabling because they're doing the only things in their power to stop the affair - it's just counterintuitive to the initial reactions. This doesn't mean that boundaries shouldn't be set and protective measures shouldn't be taken.

Let me add that Plan A is all about the BS. You do not "Plan A" your WS. It is not intended to change ANYTHING but the BS.

I'll end this by offering that there is one additional thing a BS can do to alter the course of the affair - but I call it "destructive" rather than "constructive" (to separate it from the one and only constructive thing, discussed above). It's to expose the affair to the light of day. But this is NOT part of Plan A and deserves it's own discussion.

OK, one more thing. The affair is very, very likely to end DESPITE what the BS does or does not do. Until it ends, there is NO chance for reconciliation. Ideally, Plan A improvements can encourage the WS to end the affair sooner because the WS's "causes" of it are eliminated. But regardless, following Plan A prepares the BS for a successful reconciliation whenever and for whatever reason the affair ends by jump starting the process - their share of pre-existing marital problems are already confronted.

WAT

SML,

What a bunch of hooey for you to have to listen to - and while you're pregnant! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says it's not about the OW that he has been having a EA with.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well in a way that's true. It's really about problems in your M that for whatever reason the two of you have failed to address properly. That can't be done until he ceases contact with OW. Mind you, there's nothing special about her, personally - someone else would have sufficed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says he feels like he can't talk to me because I always get emotional about everything.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While he's involved with OW nothing is going to be his fault and everything is going to be your fault. That is how he assuages his guilt about being involved with her. It's kindergarten behavior, isn't it? Hopefully the A will crash and burn and he'll grow up and become a mature adult again. That's up to him, though - you can't control him and trying to do so will just push him away from you. Do Plan A instead.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he feels stuck like our marriage is not going anywhere. Said he feels like I cannot inspire him to do the things he wants. Like write his book and draw and try to sell his things.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well of course the M is stuck - because he's putting his energies elsewhere. DUH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

As far as you not inspiring him, honey, that's HIS problem. Again, he's blaming you for crazy things that you can't control. This helps him feel justified in continuing his behavior.

There IS some good information in this, however. I bet admiration is a big need of his. I'd put admiration at the top of my Plan A arsenal.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He feels he can still be a good father and still leave.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You and I both know that the kids will do better with their Dad at home - ALL of him, including the part of him that is currently with the OW. You can't tell him this, however. He wont' hear you. If you try to educate him he'll only see it as controlling, manipulative, blaming behavior on your part. Best to just let it roll off your back, bite your tongue, and even laugh at the absurdity of it if you can. Maybe post it on the fogese thread <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told him to tell me know if he wants to go then I will leave this weekend.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No. If he is so miserable, then he can go, and do without the nice home, the familar comfy surroundings and routine. YOU stay in the home and take care of you and your child.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He also says one of the reasons he does not want to stop contacting the OW is because I want him to.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So now it's also your fault that he's staying involved with OW?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Pardon me while I catch my breath!!! HA!!!

Okay, better now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

This, too, *may* have some helpful information in it. It's perfectly fine to let your H know you are not happy with continued contact. It is NOT okay to make demands, to blow up in an angry outburst, or to belittle him about it. State how YOU feel, make a polite request that he cease contact with her, and then drop it. You can do this repeatedly, just don't get baited into an argument about it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also believe there is a part of him that does want to stay that is why he keeps making excuses as to why he can't leave me.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bingo!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think the easiest thing would be to leave and give up but I am a fighter and want to try to make this marriage work.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It would be a lot easier to leave, but what would be the point? You still love H, he clearly still loves you, and you'd be cheating yourself out of the opportunity to quietly focus on yourself, and improve your ability to meet ENs and control your LBs. These are skills that will benefit you no matter what happens with your M. Plus if you do this well, your H will have less opportunity to "rewrite history" and tell himself how awful you are.

When you communicate with him, try to glean the useful stuff, laugh at the absurd stuff, and let the rest wash over you.

Are you in Plan A? You should be!

SML,
You have received alot of great advice. I agree with WAT right down the line. The only thing I can add is that you really need to focus on YOUR changes and your life. You cannot control your H, but you can influence him. Also, you must hang in there long enough for the A to end. You need to let him know that contact hurts you, but chances are the contact will continue. Let him know you won't give up.

From your post, it appears he really does not know what he wants. If he is willing to stay for the children, accept that for now. You really can't work on your marriage until he is willing. So if it means he stays for the kids, that is okay for now. His behavior is very typical.

One other thing, you need to work to a point where you are not desparate to save the marriage. As long as he sees that, he will be confident he can string out the A. I know it will be hard, but he needs to know if he leaves, it won't be the end of the world. I am not saying that you give up on your M, but rather you will be focusing on getting stronger. This is not easy and will take time.

So stay strong and focused on your changes and meeting his EN's during this time. He will eventually see you in a different way. The fact he cares about you is a big positive. I'm sure part of it is guilt, but deep down its about you.

Stay resolved and committed to your M. Rule out divorce as an option. Also, LB's come in many forms. In fact just looking at him in a certain way could be a LB if that's how he perceives it. I am saying you need to not even think about LB's when you are with him. Venting is okay and you can do that here.

The longer you hang in there, the better chance you have.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Thank you everyone for your great advice.

Wat.. I know that Plan A cannot change my spouse it's for myself. I am just thinking that if I work on myself and working on his EN that maybe he will see me as he once did and will make them think twice about what he is doing and change himself for the better also.

I am not giving up on him. I know deep down even though he is confused right now that he loves me and cares about what happens to me. It just hurts that he cannot see it and cannot meet my EN that I have at this time in my life.

I emailed him earlier and asked him if he is willing to go to MC with me. So far he has not replyed but he has told me in the past when everything came out in the open that he would be willing to go.

I guess I will just take one day at a time. Work on myself make myself stronger. If things don't work out with him I know I will be deeply hurt for a long time but I will make it and learn from my mistakes.

I just received a book called "Not just Friends" a MB member sent it to me. I called my WH and told him about the book he told me to read it and tell him about it. That gave me some hope because usually when I read something he doesn't care to listen because he doesn't like to take advice. I also asked him about MC he said he would go if I wanted him to. Said all they would do though is tell him stuff he already knows. Then he said well it might cost to much. I guess I will have to call around to see what I can do.

Sad - some very positive signs.

Go slow.

Go slow.

Go slow.

Don't push him on this stuff. When it comes time to seek a counselor, enlist his participation so that his buy-in occurs.

The very best thing you can do is to sit up tall, shoulders back, and be confident. Smile and allow your motherly way to glow. Be the most strong, self assured woman that you can be. Be the opposite of needy and whiny.

Time is on your side.

Did I say go slow?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

In addition to that book - you know the author is from B'more, right? (Shirley Glass ?) - get Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs, both by Harley and available in the bookstore on this site or in most any on-line bookseller.

If you or H are "cerebral", find Private Lies by Frank Pittman. Very heavy, very funny, and very, very informative.

WAT

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 05:18 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

He also says one of the reasons he does not want to stop contacting the OW is because I want him to

I said that same thing to my H! Of course, I now realize that it's a common thing for the WS to say when in the fog... but at the time, it made perfect sense to me. In a certain twisted way, it still does make sense. Part of me was thinking that if I gave up the OM when H was pressing me to do so, I would just end up resenting my H and probably wouldn't be able to stick to NC because I had done it just for H. Every time that I got angry at H, I would have seen no reason to continue NC. When I finally decided for myself that I needed to let go of OM and concentrate TOTALLY on my marriage, the NC stuck. I knew all along that my H wanted me to stop talking to the OM... but he didn't bug me about it, and allowed me to discover the importance of NC on my own. I am still in awe of how well my H handled things during those first few weeks following D-day especially. I'm grateful that it didn't take me longer than it did to realize what I needed to do.
Anyway... I just thought that I'd give you a bit of a WS's view, and hopefully a bit of encouragement - hang in there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

CW

Thank you Captain's Wife for your words of encouragement. It does give me hope that he will stop contact. I am at the point where I feel that he knows how I feel about it that I don't have to say anymore. It's up to him now to do the right thing.

I will take it slow. I know there will be setbacks at times. I also need to work on being that strong person that I know I can be.

Well I guess last night was one of those setbacks. He came home at 10pm when he should have been home by 8. He stayed at work to talk with her. I asked him what took him so long to come home he said.. Ummmm Work.. He knew I was hurt I'm sure he saw it in my eyes. I told him I don't understand why you continue to hurt someone you care about. He didn't answer. I stayed calm .. I didn't cry. I did tell him that I thought about it and if he still wanted to leave then he had to leave the house that I am staying there. I feel like calling up the OW again and telling her what I think. I told him this and he said that it wouldn't help matters. I said well she needs to know what kind of person she is and he said I think she already knows that. I feel so sad.. I don't want to leave I really don't. But it's starting to look like he doesn't love me at all.

Sad - we know how much this hurts and we validate your hurt, but you have to stop talking to him like this.

It's OK to express your hurt, but once done, stop. Don't talk about either one of you leaving. If he asks questions, answer them, but don't lash out.

Again, we know it's very, very hard to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SadMarylandLady:
<strong> I feel like calling up the OW again and telling her what I think. I told him this and he said that it wouldn't help matters.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, he's right.

Don't bother with OW. Contacting her gives her power. This is not about OW. She's just the drug of choice. Don't even bring her up in conversation.

From your earlier post: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says he feels like he can't talk to me because I always get emotional about everything.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're playing into his argument with these discussions.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But it's starting to look like he doesn't love me at all. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Baloney. But this is a very common BS conclusion. Put it out of your mind.

Remember, you're dealing with an alien abductee here. Your normal thought process don't apply. This is why you're so exasperated.

WAT

SML,

Do not contact the OW. It will be totally counter-productive. I've been there and I'm glad that I did NOT call her. The OW my H is/was talking to also knew about me, but it didn't stop either one of them from continuing their 'counseling' session.

I know this is very hard, but do not tell him anymore how hurt you are about this. He knows this, just like my H knew how painful it was for me to find those emails/cell logs that showed continued contact. Last time he talked to her was about two weeks ago and I found out. I told him that continued contact with OW makes me very uncomfortable whether or not the EA is still in progress or if they are now just 'friends'. It does matter; I don't like it! That was the last time that I've brought up the subject. It is VERY hard to not bring it up in front of him, but believe me, it has made a big difference by not mentioning it anymore. Everytime I want to bring it up, I try to distract myself - walk out of the room, take the dog for a walk, chat with a friend on the phone etc. It has gotten better and I no longer have this constant urge to ask about it or bring it up.

Don't talk about leaving, divorcing anything. Don't say anything anymore. I know it is extremely difficult, especially since you are also pregnant. I really feel for you, but I also believe that in time, he will probably come around. Show him that you are strong, assertive and attractive.

The OW's got nothing on you. Don't you worry about her and don't even think about going down to her level and talking to her about your M.

Please stay strong and take care of yourself and your stb baby. Today is a great day here in Washington. Take a walk, enjoy the weather, buy yourself something nice, go to Starbucks and have a latte.

You'll be fine, just stay strong.

Kati

Sad,

You mentioned that your H's parents know about this.

Is OW married? If so, you should tell her H about this. Since they work together, consider exposing the A to his boss and her boss.

Turtle,
The OW is 20 she is in college in South Carolina. She lives about 10 hrs away. She is single and available. My husbands parents do know that he wanted to leave and that he was seeing another woman. My husband is 28 and I am also 28.

I got this from another message board it is called divorce busters. It's things to do if your WS is still at home to make him see you in a different light. What do you guys think??

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore with him.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say, "I Love you".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things. Go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies and new, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse him whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what him will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of your self (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.