I'm a bit tentative about defining our progress, cause as the BS I only know what I see. Since our first dday Feb. 13, NC has been broken twice within 25 days with a complete flare up of the A (sex included) that lasted a week. This resulted in dday2 on 4/9/4.

Here is what's happened so far:
4/10 WH says there is no future w/ ow (small caps intentional)
4/12 tested for STDs (clean)
4/14 1st MC session
4/16 -4/18 Retrouville Weekend
4/21 2nd MC session
4/29 WH has session alone w/ MC

WH said Sunday it makes him nervous being around me since I always talk about A (exaggeration). I explained I'm jumpy, I want to work on our M all of the time. Since we don't have MC this week and can't start Retrouville post sessions till June or July, and 4/25 - 4/29 we had opposite work schedules so we didn't see each other much I've felt stranded & jittery.

However, per WH's request, I have not talked about A since Sunday (except to ask about NC once). When I become anxious about recovery I now use the following questions I picked up here:
What is my goal? What can I do today?
This helps me so much, calms me and evens out my pace. Thanks guys.

Sunday WH began reading one of his favorite to me and we've spent at least a hour a night on this (touching the entire time).

Tuesday we grilled and had a picnic in the back yard, tossed the football around and kicked the a ball w/ our daughter, read together, and watched basketball w/ friends.

Although we don't SF, we cuddle a lot and give pecks.

So What is different about NC this time? WH withdrew when contact began again and all progress stopped. WH is not pulling away (yet) and is working to apply MC's advice daily: bringing his positive energy and interests into our marriage rather than sharing them someplace else.

I don't know where we're at or what's going to happen next, but I know what my goal is. What can I do today?

Is there anything else to do?

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 12:41 PM: Message edited by: Loy ]</small>

Loy,

I've been following your struggle. It sounds like you are doing very well, no LBs, giving your H the room he needs, keeping your goals in mind.

And he sounds like he's doing well, too, bringing his interests to you, where they belong and spending his time with his family.

I think what you might be feeling is that darned old anxiety. We just want it to be OVER. We want the healing to take place and everything to fall back into a perfect little line.

But you already know it takes time. Lots of it. Be patient. It seems that your plan is working and WH is responding.

Loved the small caps on the ow...!!

~ Snow

Oops! Double post.

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 04:27 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Snowbell,

Thanks for responding. Outside encouragement means so much.

Anxiety is tough, especially when you don't know how to trust your instincts. Today my instinct told me to drive home quick and check on WH and D. So I did, everything was super normal and I flushed and told WH that I got a bit nervous. WH said that's ok. He tried to call me back but must've just missed me. WH hoped that I would be home for the rest of the afternoon but I had to get back to work. I did tell him what a great time last night with him.

My instincts are out of wack but as long as I have room to check them out, I'm not afraid of my insticts being wrong. After all, I didn't know listen to them during the A and now I need some time to get to know them again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Loy:
<strong> Anxiety is tough, especially when you don't know how to trust your instincts. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You put your finger on one of the reasons it is so hard for a BS to put the A behind him/her. Their own belief in their instinct has been shredded. We all make judgments at times that are somewhat based on our instincts. Being without them is like being in a canoe with one paddle.

One day you will be able to trust your instincts again, Loy. For me, that has been the hardest part of recovery; feeling comfortable that nothing is going on behind my back and never will again... that my instinct is right this time, or rather, that I am not a fool for trusting that instinct.

~ Snow

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Loy,

I certainly understand about the BS anxiety - especially after a couple of NC "relapses". I was like you in that I wanted to talk about it nonstop, it consumed me (okay not that bad but that was H's perception <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) and I wanted to ferret every little thing out and fix it all.

You mentioned a lot of recreational activities going on. If recreational companionship is one of your H's top ENs, then playing with him is doing as much to fix the M as talking is.

Likewise if affection is one of his top ENs, all the cuddling and pecks etc. are doing a lot to fix the M.

Maybe it will help your restlessness and impatience if you can step back and recognize how much you and your H really *are* doing to improve things. Recovery should be fun, not just drudgery.

Trutle and Snow:

Oh, recovery has been becomnig more fun but I did get kinda jealous because the most fun he's had this week was riding his bike with a friend rather than doing something with me. But at least the friend is a man.

For a twist, last night WH mentioned the A, not me. We were painting the baby's room and he said he knows this hasn't been the best conditions (duh), but he's glad we're having our children early. Then WH mentioned that our pastor called and asked how things were going with us.

After painting we walked to a restaurant down the block, had a nice dinner, and then walked back home to meet up with our daughter and my mom who was babysitting.

I'm going to ask WH if he wants to go on a bike ride picnic Saturday. I hope it doesn't rain.

WH just called to tell me how sweet I am. I thanked him and told him he was sweet too and WH said, not really. (I need to give better compliments rather than do a right back at ya, but he caught me off guard).

I asked WH if he wanted to go for a bike ride and picnic this weekend and WH said, let's do it tonight. Great!

Then I asked him some questions about the play he is auditioning for this weekend, exciting stuff. Actually, the play is about a couple in their 50s separating because on an A and how it effects their 30 year old son. WH would play the son and feels he can bring a lot of depth to the role.

I'm in the best mood I've been in for months.

"What can I do today?" is such a great question! It makes you think about the true impact of your actions. I love it. I LOVE IT.