I did a perfect Plan A for three weeks. Then I did a perfect Plan B for over three weeks. WH broke things off with OW and moved his stuff home. Agreed to NC, and agreed that if OW did not leave job within a few weeks, then he would leave (they are coworkers). Things were tough, but we were taking steps in the right direction. He broke NC a number of times but told me about it (after me insisting on radical honesty). He was still confused and in the fog, but he was trying. He was not much good at reassuring me or comforting me, but I was good at keeping LBs and my taker in check. Then DISASTER strikes.

He was home for a little over two weeks. He told me he had to go into work for a few hours this weekend (this is not unusual). I dropped him off at his building and planned to pick him up later. I was about to pull away from the building when my cell phone rang. I pulled to the side of the building and spent a few minutes talking with a friend. I was about to drive away, when I see WH walking out of the building, go up to a parked car, talk for a minute, and walk back to the building. A little suspicious, I thought. So I drove back around to the front of the building and discover OW’s car (she was not inside).

I immediately call WH on his work phone and explain to how I saw him outside. I asked him what he was doing. He said he was going to get a sandwich. I reminded him that we just ate lunch a half hour ago. He said he was getting us sandwiches for dinner later. I reminded him that we planned on having a steak dinner. I then told him that I was parked outside right next to OW’s car. I told him to stop lying to me and to get out here now. I was livid. More lies…more deceit.

He came out of the building and I snapped. I punched him, kicked him, scratched him, and mother f***ed him up and down. It seems like everything I had been holding in for the past few months came boiling out. He eventually got me under control. I told him to get in the car, we were going home. He said no. I told him again. He said no again. He said he had to work. I said, you expect me to go home, clean, and make dinner while you go back inside with that wh*re. He said he did not plan to meet her, it was just coincidence that she was there. She wanted him to get in the car and talk to her but he said he had to work and if she wanted to talk she should come inside. I said, if you don’t get in the car then it shows me that you are not serious about recovery and that you are not committed to NC. He stood there like a deer caught in the headlights. I told him it was over, forget about your stuff and then and I sped away.

I have not heard from him in three days. What a mess. Don’t get me wrong, it felt great to beat the crap out of him, and lord knows he deserved it, but now I feel awful about how I acted. I should have been the bigger person and acted with a bit of grace. I know that he has run back to the arms of the OW…that is where he has been staying. She was so close to being out of our lives. I checked his email and saw messages going back and forth from them laughing about all the “drama”. Sending ILY’s and you’re so cutes back and forth to each other. How could they be back to this already? After more than two weeks of false-recovery and him telling me how much he loves me? How could he be so cruel as to laugh about this?

Now what do I do? I feel like this was the last straw. Do I just file for DV? Friends say I will be better off without him. Can somebody please give me some insight? I don’t mind the 2x4’s I know I did the worst LB ever.

S&H

I also had this very same thing happen to me. WH left then came back in the middle of the night and then I found condoms in his work bag. He was right back at her again. He has left for her now. Now he is coming around and seeing the light, says she wasn't what he thought she was and bla bla. Today he was here working on slide for DS and she called again. I don't know anymore. I am with you.

False recovery sucks worse than D-day. I am sorry you are in this pain. I can't help you with your decision. All I can tell you is he is mixed up, if I was you and you really love him, then go right back into plan B full blown, total darkness. Mostly to protect you, you will hurt for a while and go through withdrawals yet again but it will protect you from any further hurt.

Eventually you will get to a point where I am and it almost doesnt hurt anymore it has just become a way of life for me now.

HINY

uggh...shocked and hurt...

ugghhh


send an apology note for the physical escalation...be honest and sincere about it...

accept that he will show/share it with her...but apoligize anyways for that aspect....

send the apology....
wait a few days....

consider yourself back in plan b...and let her attempt to meet his needs...going to her out of crisis will not carry them very far...

the fact that the emails are about YOUR drama good sign...

that's all they have to talk about..
little ole you...and your antics...even better...

send the apology...
make it a good one..
slight tug at the heart strings if you can pull one off without it being obvious and snide....

ps I passed the ____________the other day...and thought of the time you and I went there...made me kind of sad you know?..or something criptic like that....

apologize
go dark
and just watch for a bit..

ark

Thanks for the replies.

HINY - I am with you...false recovery hurts so bad. Having your hopes dashed...yet again. I am sorry you have experienced it as well. I will go back to Plan B while I research and consider Plan D. I was actually doing really well in Plan B before WH came home.

ark - you have posted to me before...thank you. You always offer great insight. I really feel ashamed that I broke down the way I did. Up till that point, I was the perfect MB student. I honestly did a perfect Plan A and perfect Plan B. Throughout this situation, I have always stayed focused and taken the high road by dealing with things with patience and love. I was just incredibly hurt by the continued lies and lashed out. I had already drafted an apology to ease my own conscience and I will follow your advice and send it. In it, I also give WH the option of picking up his personal belongings (I will pack everything and leave it on the porch).

I hear what you are saying about their emails, but reading them cut me to the core. Already back to ILY after supposedly calling it quits?

right how much value are the words ILY..from someone who is not able to act lovingly...

send the apology...
send the teaser to make him remember something good..

do not offer to pack his stuff
do not mention his stuff...

that's his issue all the way...
do not offer

ark

shockednhurt -

Listen to ark. She always has the best advice.

Now lets get to the good part. Your WH is a bottom-dwelling, scum sucking cheater. It made me feel great to hear about your scratching, hitting, spitting, screaming, [censored] kicking LB. I know this is marriagebuilders, but come on, the rest of us BS's can really relate.

I agree with Believer here. Sometimes you just can't keep it all in. Happened to me one morning just after Dday. The OW had been on a trip to Japan and my stupid WH wanted to go to the airport to check if she came back through customs alone! He didn't even know the flight number - just needed to hang there all day! I totally blew up. Ranted, swore, lashed out, hit and kicked and felt very very powerful for the first time. I just couldn't believe this sensible, trustworthy man could be such an idiot and expect me to sit back and say, 'fine, off you go'. Admittedly he was honest about it all (that in itself was progress) but please ....

I sent the apology note and have not heard anything back.

ark - </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">right how much value are the words ILY..from someone who is not able to act lovingly...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are right. I guess they are not worth much. But will he ever be able to act lovingly again...

Believer - thanks for your reply. I am sure all BS's have wanted to physically knock some sense into their WS. I just wish I was able to resist that urge - that way I could look back and be proud of my own behaviour. He might be a bottom-dweller, but I had him back for two weeks and there were times I saw the H I know and love peek through. I sure do miss him. I can't believe he is gone again.

tummytuck - I hear you loud and clear. My WH was a sensible, trustworthy, and moral man once too. Things seem so obvious to us and others but for some reason the WS can't think reasonably anymore. I am sorry you are going through this.

I realize that this is a vent, but I'm so surprised at how so few people have admonished you for your application of physical violence.

Had your gender roles been reversed, I've no doubt that you'd be getting encouragement to file assault charges against your H.

As painful as the betrayal is, you have no excuse for assaulting your H like this. You should be thankful that he doesn't have you arrested.

Low