Hey, everyone:

Well, I am actually writing to tell everyone that I am still alive. Seriously. The last week has been a nightmare for me. As many of you know,l I was out of town for awhile. I got back last week and was preparing to tell my W about my A; which she still knows nothing about

Instead, 8 days ago (last Tuesday) I was so stressed out that I fell asleep and had 9-10 stress related brain seizures and lost consciousness around midnight. I stopped breathing and turned blue. I was rushed to the emergency room and was there for 16 hours before they put me into a room, with an IV in my arm. I have maybe 2-3 very vague memories of last week and that's it. I don't really remember anything. My mind is a blank. They released me the night before last. I am exhausted. My muscle breakdown (they find out through blood and urine tests) was 28,000! Normal muscle breakdown is 300! They thought I might have kidney damage, but I am OK. Kidney damage is 100,000 of muscle breakdown.

They pumped me with oxygen and Dilantin and Valium and had me on bags and bags of IVs of Creatinine, Sodium, Potassium, etc. There are a lot of holes in me right now; from blood tests and the IV. I lost consciousness for most of the week and have almost no memories at all of last week or even this morning. I am in a complete fog and can't seem to snap out of it.

The Doctors' consensus is that they were stress induced because of all the lies OW and her husband have told about me and all the legal problems they have caused. I have to turn in my drivers license for a while and am in physical therapy. My body has been stripped of proteins and enzymes. This has been the worst thing to ever happen to me. Everyone is very concerned. They have to do another CAT scan to seen if any tumors were created.

I am not talking the same as I used to talk. My speech is slurred. I DON'T remember phone conversations after I hang up. I hope OW and her husband are proud of themselves. To think they would want to purposely cause this much damage to someone's life is incredible. How someone can tell me she was my friend for an entire year and then do all this is horrifying.

My wife saved my life. She was terribly upset, as you can imagine. She thought I was going to die. I am a very healthy person. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before in my life. The Doctors were totally freaked out. Apparently I was more stressed out than even I knew. How in the world the OW can live with herself after doing all this is beyond my comprehension. To think that she used to tell me how much she was in love with me, and how I was her best friend, and that she can call the police and make up all this crap and try to ruin my life is amazing, huh?

The amazing thing is how happy she comes across. She is probably laughing and smiling right now, and people think her life is wonderful, but she is really dying inside. She is the unhappiest person I ever met, and obviously about as evil as anyone can ever be. And then look at my wife --- what a pure and honest and good and caring person she is. It goes to show how one can't judge another by outward appearances.

I NEVER want to be in a hospital ever again, and I never want any needles in my arm ever again. I am terribly fatigued today. My head is pounding. I am drinking lots of fluids and taking vitamins. What a nightmare. Nothing means anything without ones health.

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 02:47 PM: Message edited by: whiteknight ]</small>

YIKES WHITE KNIGHT! That must have been very scary. I was wondering where you were. Time to calm down, relax, and take good care of yourself.
I am terribly sorry this happened to you.

When are you going to tell her...I don't think it's the stress of having hte OW turn on you...it is the stress of keeping this HUGE secret from your W that is killing you.

The time is now.....

No more excuses.......

so basically it is all the ow fault????

god just gave you a big 'ol slap in the head---what more do you need???

the longer you wait the worse it will be. she is going to be devastated enough---you walking around blaming them and then finding out it was your own fault all along. tell her

WK,

I was wondering what happened to you!!! This must have been SO scary and I'm glad to hear that you are doing better.

Stress has tremendous effects on our health. One of the girls at my job had a stroke because of wedding stress. Can you imagine!

You need to take it easy and get better, but I strongly advise you to find a way to tell your wife about what happened. I suspect that not only the legal stress of having to deal with OW and her H is causing your health problems, but also having to live with this terrible secret.

The sooner you get it out, the better it will be. It will be hard, but you might be surprised about your wife as well. Never underestimate the love of a woman for her man.

Get better and welcome back!

Kati

Whiteknight, glad to hear you are recovering. I wondered where you'd gone as well.

But please stop blaming the OW. The stress of the fallout from your A is of course a reason for your illness but YOU were very much a part of going there in the first place.

This is now the chance you've been waiting for to make your marriage whole again.

Jenny

Glad you are ok.. I hope you are anyway!

Whiteknight, part of the stress is having this looming over your head. You know that the lid is going to be blown off at any time. You are stressing over your wife finding out as well as all the legal crap.

You have to tell her! You have to get this off your chest. Let her know that you are so upset over what you have done that it's making you physically ill and you have to come clean.

Hi WhiteKnight,

Now is the time for you to live up to your name. You can be a white knight for your wife and for yourself. Stress kills. Those are not just words and now you know it--AND you have a reprieve, this time.

Tell your wife, and tell her that there are people who will help her deal with this, then bring her here. Whatever the reason(s) are that you chose not to tell her before, the fact is that due to your current medical crisis she will probably do more than her share and not expect you to help with any more of the burden than is absolutely essential for you to personally help with. She will need EXTRA from others for that reason alone.

Stress kills. Bearing the burden of keeping this secret from your wife is BIG STRESS. Stress kills. If it kills you, your wife will suffer EXTRA pain and ADDED stress it because she will find about about OW AFTER you're dead. Is this what you want for either of you?

Live up to your name. The time is now.

Take care

Want to know what was horrible? While in the hospital I wondered what would happen if my W found anything such as some of my e-mails, or some of my notes to my lawyer about the A, and how awful it would be for my W to find out about the A that way. Also, since I was so drugged up and could not remember conversations I was having with Doctors, Wife, Family, etc. my W could have asked me anything and I would have answered her and not even knew what I was saying. Very, very scary. I'll come clean in a few days. Right now I am still too ill. I can barely speak. It is taking me forever to type this. I am very drugged up. Very weak. Lots of physical pain. Terrible headache. Keep taking Epson Salt baths to try to relax muscles.

I'm of the mind right now that OW and her H have gone out of their way to cause me so much trouble, that I can't imagine how coming clean is the right thing to do, just to make me feel better. The pain I will cause my W will make me to be quite a jerk. I am almost causing myself all this grief and pain because I am trying to protect W. She deserves better than me. OW and H deserve to be driven off a cliff. Miserable people. All I did was break up with her. I did not deserve to be attacked like this. I did not deserve to have 9-10 brain seizures and lose a week of my life. Nobody does.

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: whiteknight ]</small>

You said:
"The pain I will cause my W will make me to be quite a jerk."

You already caused your wife pain, that's a done deal. Now you have the opportunity to help her heal it by coming clean and sending her here.

You said:
"I am almost causing myself all this grief and pain because I am trying to protect W."

You almost made her a widow! How is that protecting her??????

You said:
"She deserves better than me."

She deserves better FROM you.

Take care

WhiteKnight,

First let me say I'm so glad to see you back here, and very concerned for your health. I'm also glad you are getting good care.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't imagine how coming clean is the right thing to do, just to make me feel better.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know that you'll feel better, but it will remove all the stress of having it hanging over your head. You said you worried while in the hospital about your W finding things. You don't need those worries. Tell your W (and get rid of that crap!).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am almost causing myself all this grief and pain because I am trying to protect W.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H withheld things to "protect" me. I never felt protected by him withholding information. How can deceit be protecting? It only ever served to terrify me and reinforce my lack of trust.

One way you CAN protect your wife: be honest with her. Throughout the hell following D-day the one thing I held onto was the fact that H had told me himself. I clung to that desperately.

Get some rest. Quit worrying about how to tell your W. Just blurt it out and then it will be over. Then you can begin earning her trust and helping her heal. You can let her vent her grief and anger. You can begin making true progress.

Another thing, you mention that in the hospital your wife, family and doctors were there and all terribly worried about you.

That is love. Do you see now it doesn't come down to gymnastics in the bedroom when it REALLY matters.

Jenny

whiteknight...I have been worried about you and wondering what happened to you. I'm so sorry that you have this psycho ex-OW that you're having to deal with. I guess my problems aren't so bad after all!! I think that this is probably a good time to tell your W. Holding this in isn't doing you any good!! Obviously!

Trust her enough to tell her WK. She needs to know what has brought all of this on with you. She may not be as shocked about it as you think! We sometimes think that we have really been able to act our selves during and after an A but our BS's see more than we give them credit for.

I hope you get well soon!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The Doctors' consensus is that they were stress induced because of all the lies OW and her husband have told about me and all the legal problems they have caused. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I hope OW and her husband are proud of themselves. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How convenient. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Step up and be accountable for your own actions. You chose to have an A.

Sorry for your health. I hope it improves.

So sorry about your circumstance. How frightening and terrible. I worried something might be wrong since we hadnt heard from you in a while. I actually worried OW went even more psycho and harmed you...in a way I was right.

I am glad you are on the road to recovery in so many ways.

For the record having an A does not justify this OW slanderous, wreckless behavior. She is wacked and you have a right to be angry. You had an A...you were wrong and you know it. To all those stone throwers, lay off and give the guy time to recover.

You and your wife are in my prayers...and even that pathetic OW-she needs more prayers than anyone.


ayslyne

Whiteknight,
I'm glad you're ok. Even though I find myself getting pretty angry at WS's in general, I do feel like what you are going through should be a wake up call for "all" WS's. I know at this point you are probably wishing you had never met OW. Yeah, I wish WS would see his OW for the lier and cheat she is. I know when the fog clears this vindictive witch will show her true colors as well. I don't wish any harm to come to WS but a good wake up call wouldn't hurt.
Maybe if your wife knows then the two of you can handle this together. "Together" is where you should have been in the first place.
Don't get me wrong, I look forward to your posts and believe it or not even being a BS they have helped me.

Whiteknight, it was your posts about being in the fog that got me hooked on this site. I'm quite new but actually I think I have a huge insight here. My husband who does have serious health problems, spent the last year slipping downhill. The stress, lies, pressure from OW (also a bit of a psyco like yours), were literally sending him straight to the dialysis machine. He had a consultation with his specialist last week and things looked terrible. Well, yesterday, he got a phonecall from his doctor saying the blood-tests they took last week at his appointment actually showed signs of improvement and perhaps the deterioration has slowed down for the timebeing. It is like a miracle. They are the first tests since I found out about his A. Of course there is still stress related to our situation but nothing in comparison to how things were when he was keeping all that poison in. There are no more secrets now so he doesn't have to keep covering his tracks etc. He was so relieved when he got the phonecall and said he knows it's because the A is out in the open. You are killing yourself with the pain and anguish of hiding this from your wife. She'll go nuts and cry and make you feel so guilty BUT she will be glad she knows and you will just be so relieved. PLEASE tell her. If you've got something worth having, you will sort it out in time. Good luck.

Dude, I'm glad you're ok.

dewt

Welcome back WK.

What a truly shocking experience to have to go through. I am pleased to hear you are feeling a little better, please, please look after yourself.

I agree that you need to tell your wife (You already knew that from my previous posts). Give it a couple of days until you are stronger and feeling better, then as someone else posted, just blurt it out. Hell she probably has an idea anyway. She's not stupid, she would know that a healthy man does not have these medical problems all of a sudden for no reason!

She is obviously very supportive of you and cares for you deeply....(DON"T ROB HER OF HER LOVE FOR YOU) It is not fair to do that. You made a bad choice in the past, allow her to DECIDE if she can forgive you and recover your marriage.

WK, I honestly feel that once you own up she will be your greatest ally, she will give you the strength to deal with the crazy OW & H.

JMHO.
Take care my friend you are in my thoughts and prayers.
mtheart