The biggest line of bull ever spoken! It's amazing how many ws say the same damn things!

It IS 100% about the OP!

We are supposed to accept responsibility for our part in the breakdown of the marriage. okay, I'M SORRY that I got mad/hurt every time you screwed another woman. I'm sorry that I didn't stay 25 years old. I'm sorry that no matter how hard I tried to get you to open up to me I failed.

His needs/her needs. I gave "SF" willingly and often, I'm sorry that knowing you were giving it to another made me less desirous of you. "an attractive spouse" you said yourself that if physical appearance had anything to do with it obviously you would have stayed with me.

"she and I could talk in ways that you and I can't" I TRIED!!! YOU wouldn't talk to me!

BTW after the affair ended he admitted that he left for her, not because he was unhappy with me.

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: toomanylies ]</small>

Yup.

It is flat impossible for someone in the middle of an affair to remember liking or loving you. Sucks, but there it is. It's a chemical/hormonal thing or something.

And when/if they resurface, they'll probably remember having lots of fun with you.

cynically laughing!

in the first few weeks after d-day I heard how he was so unhappy for so long. I didn't try to change his mind at that point. He mis-remembered alot!

then as the fog starteed lifting and we were in MC we did a timeline and went over our releationship during the first year of his A and we were doing GREAT (has me baffled)

It was the last 8 months of his A, 4 of which were during the diagnosis and death of my mother (they pick such good times to be a$$es)that I turned into the ***** he accused me of being.

Now 4+ months later and many hours of MC and IC he is starting to come around and has "seen the light" He has stopped mis-remembering so much bad stuff and is begining to take so responsibility for what he did. Last week in MC he actually seemed genually surprised when asked to talk about why it started to realize it was jsut available sex and he didn't really like her very much and had little in common with her and was anxious to leave her when the sex was done!

I though, am now wondering WHO is this man I love that can be so casual about sex and another person for 2 years!?

Like an onion..this stuff keep peeling back more.

Is there anyway we could burn the WS script lol. I've heard these words too in fact just last week. Sheeeesh

It is a little hard to believe that the M was perfect and then one day WS's d*** got hard and he started messing around with another woman. If that was the case, then there is really no way of stopping it.

There are two separate problems in dealing with an A:

(1) The A itself
(2) The problems that caused WS to go astray.

Generally, the A is such a big problem that it takes a while to get to work on (2), if you ever do. And unless the problems that caused WS to go astray are dealt with, WS is likely to wander again.

anotherone: Things weren't "great" during the 1st year of the A. ENs and SNs were being taken care of outside of the M when they should have been taken care of in the M. In other words, the M wasn't working. Your M was like having a car that overheats--you can do easy stuff around town and you'll never know there is a problem, but if you try to do more than the usual every day stuff, it breaks down.

Sorry Jimmy Mac, and I know I'm disagreeing with the Harleys, too -- but I don't think there has to be serious problems in the M for an A to take place.

Or rather, sure, there are always problems. Life is full of problems. Sometimes we get sick. Sometimes money is short. Sometimes we are working too hard.

An OP offers novelty, and that will always be enticing for the weak. And there's no way you can compete with novelty (no, I don't think wearing a brand-new teddy is anything more than a bandaid to the familiarity inherent in marriage; in fact, familiarity is one of the things that makes marriage appealing).

I agree with AMM.
I don't think there were any serious problems in my M when the A took place. I remember we fought in the early years, but I also remember being very optimistic that we would resolve our problems and return to loving. Now I know why we never resolved those problems. A happened and WH needs the marriage to be in trouble to justify A's continuous existence. No matter what I did, WH chose to turn away.

My H said he had the A because the opportunity was there. Sure, he also said, "She was a very happy person, very happy. And we fought so much, I was unhappy in the marriage." That's all it took. And a pair of big boobs.

Of course she's happy. A man's paying her attention. Desiring her. Flattering her. Buying her gifts and taking her on holidays. She is able to 'steal' someone's H. By just sitting there looking pretty she's able to lead someone to break their sacred vows. Doesn't that give her some power? Feed her own ego?

Of course we fought. If your S came home at 3am, work late every night, is away every weekend AND did not pay the bills, would you just sit there, wait patiently, and make S HAPPY when he came home? Sheesh give me a break.

My H also said that he thought it is just a ONE TIME thing and it wouldn't last. Well, how does he justify the second A? Again, it just happened....

In this case, it just boils down to my WH's state of mental and emotional maturity, his unrealistic expectations of a marriage, and his whole set of moral values. He gave himself PERMISSION to commit adultery. Not about the OP at all.

Jimmy Mac, I believe that the "problems" in my marriage is that my h is *addicted* to the honeymoon phase. Anything less than the excitement of the first time just doesn't cut it for him. I can't do anything about that!

Was our M "perfect"? No, but it was good. I honestly doubt that he could ever have a better relationship with anyone else. He needs someone like me because he would butt heads with most people. I'm pretty calm and easy going. I only get upset and/or angry about the really big things, little things don't bother me. He otoh lets things bother him that probably shouldn't. I stress over big things, like infidelity and life and death problems or things that have a big effect on the kids. He stresses over everything, like traffic, rude people (strangers who in my mind shouldn't have the power to irritate) pretty much everything that doesn't go perfectly smooth. It's not always easy to live with someone like that, it took me a while to get used to it, but I have and I've accepted it as part of who he is (a genetic condition he inherited from his own father <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

I really don't think there ever would have been any real problems in our marriage had my h been faithful. His infidelity is what CAUSED our problems, not the other way around.

JM- My WH had a business that took him to another state once a month for a long weekend. The OP also was there for business during the same time (we are from east coast, she from mid west)We were having enthusiastic sex during the entire affair (never a problem for us!) 3-5X a week - during the ENTIRE affair!

It was simply opportunity.

sometimes it just happens that way, believe it or not.

But to live with yourself (himself) WS like to mis-remember the marriage.

I became a shrew when he started to emotionally leave the marriage in the last 8 months of his A - about the same time she was pressuring him to take it to the next level! She is about to turn 50 and never been married, getting desperate.

I believe it can be simply about the sex. Of course it can then disinegrates from there, but that was the begining. We have done the EN/LB in our MC and his biggest EN I was not meeting was keeping the home well - she was not doing that for sure! He wanted more recreation activities - she was doing that (gee I was busy with 3 little kids) and now that I know I have stepped up. But everything else he rated well!

well i'm going to agree w/jimmy mac on this one FOR MY SITUATION. that we didn't have a good M, of course i would always say something along the lines of "we are not the only people having these problems (finances, lack of intimacy, etc.)" and always thought that once such and such happened (i got out of the military and he graduated from school) that we would finally be able to work on our M and finally be able to have the M we both wanted. i had no idea what the core problems were, HN/HN, and i can honestly say that is why my H was lead to an A. yes, he also just says how horribly unhappy he was and how the A was just a pretty girl who was nice to him and then it developed from there.

he also says how he gave me years and years to wake up and just show that i loved him or even liked him. well i can understand where he is coming from knowing what i know now but at the same time did he really give me all that time to change or go back to the way i was when we were first married? i don't think he did because he wasn't honest about how he was feeling, how was i supposed to know? neither one of us had been married before, neither one of us have ESP, yes, i would agree to a certain extent that i should have known what he needed but i didn't and i can't go back and change what happened.

our M cannot be rebuilt as long as the A is in progress which it is. my H has no desire to work on our M because he says he just can't go back and is judging his future happiness w/me on his past unhappiness w/me (this was per SH). so since i can't end the A i have tried to and i feel i have done a very good job at changing the atmosphere (myself that is) that made my H vulnerable to an A. I will keep doing this because it spills over into all areas of my life and i never want anything like this to happen again.

all i want is a chance to prove i can be the wife my H needs and a chance to rebuild our M. but this won't ever happen until the OW is out of the picture and my H is willing to come back. so i will just continue to plug along the best i can and continue to pray for everyone involved in this situation.