I'm planning on bringing this up in our next counceling session. I still live in fear of contact between my h and his ow, the reason is that there was never really any closure. He never gave her a NC letter. She was "mad" that they couldn't remain "friends" and all he said to her was that it would be too hard to just be her friend.

The last contact that I know about was in November, I don't know if there's been any more but it wouldn't really surprise me to find out that there has atleast been phone/email contact. You know "just to see how she is".

He says that he WON'T send a NC letter because he just wants it to go away, he doesn't want to cantact her to tell her no contact. He also says that she would think he was crazy at this point if he sent a letter. SO? Why should that matter?

The way it is now I always wonder! Last week he lost some paperwork off the motorcycle, I asked where he lost it at and when he told me I felt that dreaded feeling! WHY was he there? He lost the papers near the highway onramp, he could have been headed anywhere but my thoughts of course were "that's the way he would have to drive to go to her house".

I NEED the no contact letter! How can I make him understand that?

bump

help

if I can get him to write one, what should it say?

I understand your need for one. If, on the other hand there really has been no contact since November, sending one now would really just re-establish contact.

Several years ago, I was the wayward and sent a no contact letter and it spawned a whole mess. It was important that I sent it at the time, but my situation was different than yours.

If he wrote it out, addressed it to her, and let you have it would that satisfy you? Would it be enough?

There is a good example of a NC letter in "Surviving an Affair". If you don't have the book and can't find an example on the site, post back and I'll write a quick one up for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

dewt

The vindictive side of me would love for him to tell her the things he has told me about her. Unflattering things! Things about her as a person, things about her as a lover, things about her as a mother, NONE of it good! but really that isn't what I want him to do, I think that would just open up a bunch of crap that I don't need.

This is what I think it should say:
*** I am writing this to prove to my wife that she can trust me. Right now she doesn't and I don't blame her for that. I have told her that I don't care at all about you and I mean that. I have told her that I have no desire to see you or hear from you ever again and I mean that too. What I did with you was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. All I want is to repair my marriage and try to put my life back together with the only woman I have ever loved, my wife. I have told her many times that I want nothing to do with you, now I am telling you too. I do not want any contact from you. I don't wish to see you or hear from you ever again. I have no trouble with that as I never even think of you anymore, but it isn't as easy for my wife so I am writing this in the hopes of making her understand that I am serious when I tell her that she is the only woman I love, and the only woman I want. This will be the last contact I ever have with you.

I didn't just come up with that off the top of my head, these are things he has said to ME, I want him to say them to HER.

btw dewt, I don't have the book so I would appreciate an example <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 10:47 PM: Message edited by: toomanylies ]</small>

bump

need advise before the C appointment.

Well, largely the letter you wrote covers it...

Here's what Harley says on this site:

"My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent."

I have to go to work now, but maybe I could write a quick one up tonight based on the example in the book.

dewt

This forum moves fast! It took some searching to find this again :-)

Because of other things that took priority this week, I didn't bring this up at the counselors office.

I still want/ need for him to write the letter. I just don't know how to bring it up. He keeps saying that he knows how hurt I am, he knows I don't trust him, he knows I'm very insecure with him but he "doesn't know what to do about it". The thing is, there are things he could do but I know he won't. I would have to be important enough to him to make himself slightly uncomfortable. I would have to be important enough to him that he would be willing to say things to her that would ensure that she would never speak to him again.

He tells me he doesn't care at all about her, he tells me she means nothing to him. If that's true then he shouldn't mind telling her that, right?

UGHH! For so many reasons that I'm not going to go into I am more insecure today than I was the day we got back together. I need his help but I'm afraid to ask for it. I'm afraid that he'll say no and that would make me feel even worse. I want him to prove that I matter more than she does!

Hmmm, a little bump in the recovery road. It seems to me that since he is with you he has proved that he cares about you. But I can understand why you want him to write the NC letter.

I think this can be worked out. He says he doesn't know what to do, although you are asking him to do something. This seems like a male/female communication problem. I would bring it up to the counselor.