My one year anniversay on this board is coming up in about two weeks. Wow. A whole year of this BS. Last September, I never imagined that this stuff could go on so long. But like New_Women, I think I'm ready to just move on.<P>I haven't originated a post here in months, kinda lurking, sometimes adding a comment or two. I was feeling like a success story. We were spending all our time together, communicating, things were good. Planning our mutual future. Looking at new homes. She told me last week that she wanted to grow old with me, and that she would never let me go. <P>But I felt that my current situation warrented a new post. <P>After discovery (last September), we tried counseling, Plan A, and after a big (physical) fight a three month separation (May, June, and July). Against better advice (from K) I moved back home in August, with the condition that there be no contact with the OM. <P>Two nights ago I checked the call log on her cell phone and there were two calls from the OM.<P>I don't keep secrets well, so I confronted her. She went nuts. Cursing, screaming, all in front of our four year old. I had the cellphone in my hand and she tried to snatch it from me. I twisted away from her and then she started hitting me. I left the house to cool off. <P>The next day she called me at work to demand that I apologize! Claiming that the calls were from the OM's best friend who recently moved into the OM apartment, as the OM has left the state (she says). My problem (according to her) is that I should question before I accuse. Can you believe this? <P>This is the same guy who used to facilitate their meetings. When my W and the OM would have a arguement, he would call my W and cajole her into calling the OM.<P>A few weeks ago my W asked me not to leave again. I told her then that the only thing that would make me leave is if she started calling the OM again. Her answer to me: "that will never happen."<P>I feel like I've had enough. Are our value systems so different that she can't understand why I might have some objection to this? Sheesh!?! What does it take?<BR>

Does she say she loves you? Do you love her? If the answer is yes, I would hang in there for as long as I could. I hung in there a year, but he would not/could not tell me he loved me. Based on no foundation of love, I had not other choice but to give myself space from him. If there is love, though, anything can happen. Best of luck.

Optimist - <P>From where I sit in my situation, I'd say you have it pretty good (read my profile for details). Since i wrote my profile, W has moved in with OM and has filed for divorce.<P>I'm not trying to minimize your pain, but the fact that you and your W are back together is a huge milestone. Apparently, she fell off the wagon. From what I've read of other betrayers in withdrawal, this is VERY common. It sucks, but it is common. I only HOPE that I someday get the chance to go through what you are going through...again from where I sit I'd rather be fighting withdrawal relapses than imagining life without W.<P>Please don't construe this to be a "I have it worse than you" attitude. Just from what I've read, contact with the OP is common. Consult Harley on what to do. Is your W still committed to the marriage?

optimist:<P>I agree with your wife: you should question before accusing. Questioning is OK---use of complete honesty. Accusing is not---it's a lovebuster (angry outburst/disrespecful judgement).<P>Now, having got over the technicality, you've been feeling that you're a success story. You should share that with your wife. But you should also share your negative feelings---that contact with the OM or any of the other "players" makes you very upset, and the two of you should try to use the POJA to resolve it. <P>I think you still have communication issues to work out. But that's normal at the stage that you're at. Why don't you suggest to your wife that you want this marriage to work, and the two of you actively plan to make this happen.<P>It looks like a lot of good stuff is going on for you, and perhaps a bit of bad... If you still love her, you've got lots of positive signs that this will work. My advice is to hang in there.

Optimist-<BR>You have reconciled and it sounds like you two have a good chance at overcoming this. Hang in there.<P>I wanted to comment about the OM friend. My H also had an "enabler" friend in his last affair. This friend, I believe, contributed to extending the "life" of the affair. I say this because, at times when H may have truly wanted to stop, friend would relay communication from OW. Kinda blows the whole "no contact" theory. Friend also supported affair instead of our marriage...its as if he wanted/encouraged affair. He demonstrated this to me through some of his own initiative to keep H's affair going.<P>I'm sure your W understands that you want the affair and all contact to end. You may have to be more specific and request that contact w/OM friend also stop. He seems to be a big FAN of that relationship and also has no respect for your marriage. Any contact w/him is not in her best interest.<P>Good Luck!

She's called me twice this morning. Once to find out if I made it to work ok, and the second to tell me that if I want out its ok with her.<P>The second call was mostly rants about how I'm being selfish by not communicating over the last two days, and how she's tired of trying and not getting anywhere with me. She said that if I want, we can go ahead and fix up the guest room, pay off our bills, sell the house and get the divorce. I just said ok and hung up the phone.<P>I havn't been accusatory or disrespectful or doing any lovebusting. I asked "has the OM been calling you?" When she said "NO!" I replied then why are there two calls from him on your cellphone? Is there a better way to ask? In the past I tried to phrase it like this, "why are there calls from the OM on the caller-id?" But the replies were the typical non-answers. She would reply to my question with her own question. It would go around in circles.<P>My problem is with her judgement. This friend was an enabler. When I ran into him and the OM at a club earlier this year, THEY offered to fight me. My W knows this. Why would she want to maintain even a friendship with someone who would harm me--forget about love me, if she had even the semblence of a concern for me.<P>Am I off base?

Hi Opt<P>Well if your W really wanted this marriage than she should be more understanding to your feelings. She seems to be covering something and it distroys your trust. You can try talking about this issue again and explain to her that you want this marriage but you need her help in rebuilding the trust. If you stay together than make an environemnt where she can tell you OM or OM's friend has called her before you find out. You can also come to an agreement where you have a right to ask any question without being attacked.<P>Take care