Had IC yesterday, went great, helped settle me down, focus on what's important. Talked about my obsession, always snooping, checking her phone, etc. Like my W said, the IC said, I am only going to find what W wants me to find. W is trying really hard, I know she has not seen OM in at least 7 weeks, but have no way of being certain she is not taking or messaging him, she swears she isn't. IC said to work on what I can control, my current relationship with W, focusing on things W and I can do for each other to re-connect. Not that snooping is bad, but if W is calling often, checking in, you know she hasn't seen OM, sounds like it is time to focus on W and myself. Since MC is out right now (no good MCs here) and all the decent ICs are full, we are stuck in a rut with no direction. IC recommended that we try some marriage books or workbooks, I mentioned to IC about this site. She was unfamiliar with MB, but I breifly explained and she said it sounded like a great place. Vaguely mentioned it to W last nite(only the suggestion not MB specifically) and she said she was willing to try it.

Now what? How do I introduce MB and concepts? I have HN/HN, would that be a good place to start, or show her the website first? I think I am going to wait until after Mother's Day, so we (kids and I) can focus on her. Any thoughts and encouragement is appreciated.

BM,

I would start by taking the emotional needs questionaires. That is usually a huge eye opener and will help you both begin to work on filling each others needs.

I would have to disagree with IC's advice about snooping and don't understand why she would think you will only find what the W WANTS you to find. That is only true if the WS knows what you are checking. [which they SHOULDN'T] And if the WS is really being faithful, she should WELCOME it in order to prove that she is being truthful. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

Snooping can have an extremely POSITIVE effect when it proves your wife'sfaithfulness. It will go a very long way in rebuilding trust when you find nothing and you will feel safe having that ace in the hole.

I would suggest that she open up every aspect of her life to you. And I would also strongly suggest that you keep some [snooping] ace in the hole to protect yourself. Hopefully you never told her about your spyware and can keep that ammunition in your arsenal. You need to have some surefire method of undetectable snooping to protect yourself and rebuild trust.

<small>[ May 06, 2004, 06:56 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

P.S. does she want to come here and talk to us? If she does, you might want to send her over to the Recovery Forum so she doesn't see your posts here. You still need a safe haven to come to since you are barely into recovery. I wouldn't tell her your screen name.

ML,

Thanks for the input. I did reveal the spyware, only after I repeated her exact words and she still denied. I lied and told her the program was removed, since confrontation there has been virtually no use of the translator program. He has messaged her once, which she told me about right away.

As for the IC, what she is saying that W can delete #s or messages on her phone if she wants. So even if I check the phone, there is no way for me to know for certain if W is deleting #s or messages, I have to trust her on some level. I still check mileage on the car, this is how I can verify her whereabouts with what she tells me. So far everything has checked out perfectly on that, that is how I know she hasn't seen him.

W is totally in the fog, still has strong feelings for OM. Will not talk about him at all with me. I have gotten a few details, but I can tell that it just gets her more confused right now to talk about him. The time will come, but now I need to try to be a better husband and father. Once that sinks in, we can talk about OM.

Sounds good, BM! I can see her point about the phone but am glad you left the spyware on there. That will give you such peace of mind and help you rebuild trust!

You can print out the emotional needs questionaires from the main page here. That would be a great start!

betrayed man Jennifer told me to start getting a plan in place if my wife comes back. She told me to start with the basic concepts here and have my W read them then if my W says this sounds like a good plan then you know that she is willing. Jennifer suggested that we start with His needs/Her Needs as our first book not SAA. Jennifer said when I give my wife the basic concepts to say "if your willing would you read this and let me know if this is something you might be interested in doing."

BM,

Like the others have said, the EN questionnaire is a good starting place. Instead of simply printing them off and asking your W to fill one out, though, I'd strongly recommend asking her if she'd read HN,HN with you.

The reason I say this is because HN,HN explains the concept of the love bank and discusses the ENs so that they are fully understood. *Then* the EN questionnaire is presented.

Sure, you could explain the love bank to your wife but she'll be a lot more receptive to reading it and digesting it herself than to being "educated" by you.

still new at all this so take what i'm going to say for what you will. don't try and educate your W only suggest. i personally think you need to understand or at minimum read about the HN/HN concepts before you can do the questionnaires. you can't put a bike together before reading the instructions (that's probably a poor analogy but the only one i could come up with). i think what tinman related about what jennifer told him is really good advice. more along the lines of saying things like "this would mean a lot to me" or "it would help if " or "what do you think?" i think you get the drift.

as far as the MC thing, if you feel like there are no good ones in your area, there is still counseling w/one of the MB counselors, and it's done over the phone so you don't have to worry about finding a local one. it can still be just you and a MB counselor if you wife doesn't want to pursue it. I'm sure by now that you have some kind of idea of what some of her needs are of you and that you are taking those steps to improve yourself, right? i would take things real slow and not push w/your W. it's a chipping away process and you are defintely on your way.

i would concentrate more on the HN/HN book and/or concepts before introducing the forums to her but maybe going to the MB homepage might be an easier way for her to learn about HN/HN in the interim. good luck and prayers to you.

p.s. i may have to get some advice from you about spyware later on. too soon to talk about right now but will post when i'm ready.