Lostnhurt -

I am praying for you too. I am praying that the demon of despair will be cast out of your life in the name of Jesus Christ.

I will pray for you continually. The Lord has sent you here for help. If you cannot shake this suicide idea, you must be admitted to the hospital for awhile. WH will have to watch your kids.

I went into the hospital for depression about 15 years ago. I was thinking seriously of giving up. My doctor told me that people can get to the point where suicide seems like the only way out. This is not true. So I beg you to get some professional help. Please at least talk to your doctor.

LNH,

I agree with Believer and the others. If you ever are in doubt that you might do something serious, get help. You've been through a lot over the past months. It's very draining. You've been strong for your kids through it all. There's nothing wrong with you needing a little help to keep you going, too.

By the way, I was reading your post just before I left work a couple hours ago. I said a prayer for you too, that God would lift you back up and set you back on your feet again.

I understand missing hugs. My son gives them out every now and then, and some of the ladies I go to church with give me hugs on Sunday morning. I know how bad you need one. All I can do is wish you a cyber hug. {{{{{{{{LNH}}}}}}}}}}}}

But hey, you found someone in Michigan who doesn't live too far away! (I used to travel to Michigan several years ago on business. I flew in to Detroit and drove to Jackson, so am familiar with where a few of the cities are.)

I hope you are sleeping as I type this. My kids are both out and I have no idea where either of them are. DS is 18 and out of school now, so I have to let go and let him be a man. DD is, well...you know. She's a bit of a pistol these last couple days. I'm sure she took off with her boyfriend and they're at a show downtown or something. I regret not being a more strict parent when they were little, but I can't turn back the clock.

I just pray to God that he keeps them both safe and brings them home. I feel sort of guilty going to sleep before they get here (and not staying up like ALL worried parents should) but it really does no good. I had a very tense, stressful day at work trying to meet a couple critical deadlines, and am mentally exhausted, so am going to bed now.

Hope you have a good Memorial Weekend. Any plans? Is the weather in Detroit supposed to be nice?

We're supposed to have storms off and on and they have flood watches out again. They don't affect my house--it's on high ground.

But all the rain has made my back yard (which is more clay than dirt) so wet that when it rains heavily, water just stands in spots for days, and the dogs run through it and then track it all in. I'll be really glad when the rains move in and the summer sun comes and dries things out a bit!

I'll check back in on you tomorrow morning. Take care of yourself!!

LL

Good morning friends, I am still here. After talking to Roughroad and prayed togehter, and receiving a lot of supporting e-mails, I felt better. But now my nerve breaks down again, I know it is satan. I will use Serenpity's way to cast it out, pray out loud, read verses.

It is the same symptom, heart beats crazy, shaking, lonelyness, hopeless, chill. Santa go away! I want Jesus to come to my heart.

lost and hurt,

When I get to feeling the way you described, one of the thngs I check is whether I have been eating properly.

I have hypogycemia (low blood sugar). When I am stressed out- which is pretty often these days!- I have to be careful to eat or I get the shakes and very depressed and upset, thoughts of suicide, despair, the same as you described.

It is worse in the mornings, after several hours without eating.

Just in case this is what is happening with you, even if you don't feel hungry, go and eat something, some carbs; fruit, toast, cereal, orange juice. Back off on the sugar for a day or two.

We have to take especially good care of ourselves right now in order to cope with all the stress we are going through.

Shul

ps: God loves you very much. You are not alone, and whats more He is continuously at work in your husbands life, bringing him to a place of repentance and righteousness. In all our lives. We have to remember that and be patient. Adultery is a sign, a symtom , if you will, of spiritual darkness, and it takes time to deal with the attitudes of the heart. Don't give up, God is at work in this situation right now. And His love never fails.

Hi LostnHurt,

Glad to see you are feeling a little better this monrning, and using SerendipIT's prayer for strength. I am worried that you are slipping back and forth so much. It is a sign of serious depression, my friend.

Please see a doctor this week and describe to him/her your symptoms. You might need something much more than Xanax. You need help.

Please take care of yourself!

~ Snow

LNH,

Just quickly checking in on you this morning. I'm glad to see you're up and around. Keep praying.

But interesting comment made by Shul about the low blood sugar: During the early months of my WH's A, I ate very little because I couldn't make myself eat. And I felt horrible, and weak, and I could barely get out of bed. I know part of it was depression, but I also found that once I started eating, I felt better emotionally as well as physically. I also felt worse in the mornings--very weak. Altough I've never been diagnosed hypoglycemic, I'm sure not eating played a part in my emotional as well as physical health.

Are you eating better than you were? I know you were having problems eating a few months ago? If you're not eating, have you tried Ensure or Boost or some of the nutritional drinks. You can force yourself to drink them quickly and get a lot of calories and nutrients.

Please go see your doctor again if this doesn't pass very soon! Are you on A/D's? You may need a different one or an anti-anxiety medicine.

LL

lnh,

Bad thoughts. I learned an interesting thing lately. I was reading about how some people couldn't understand that it wasn't actually them saying the thoughts, even though it was in thier mind, even though it sounded like them. It wasn't them.

To illustrate this, imagine two people seated across from each other. Whisper in the ear of one, "go over and push him out of that chair, as hard as you can!" Your subject looks at you incredulously. "I don't wan't to do that!" So you tell him again. Again the same response. Then tell your subject that he should ask for God's forgiveness for thinking about doing it. Again, he looks at you incredulously and says "It wasn't even my thought. You told me to do it!"

You see? Even though the thought of pushing the guy out of the chair entered his mind, and was probably briefly thought about (Should I? Wait, no!) it was never truly his thought.

lnh, stay strong. It becomes difficult for all of us at times. But if you get a bad thought, stop and think of where it's coming from.

Good luck,
Ethan

lostnhurt - Hope you are better today. I am praying for you and your family. If you continue to feel bad today, please see your doctor. That is why the Lord made doctors, to take care of the sick and broken-hearted. Don't try to tough this out alone.

hello lost,
i have to make this short but i had to come into work today to get my notes from my sessions w/SH before i could call my H (so no i didn't call him this morning like i said i was going to). i'll be trying to call him tomorrow morning w/my notes in hand. so i thought i would check the forums while i was here at work.

it seemed like by the time i talked to you last night you were doing better and i hope that has carried over today. you said such a wonderful prayer w/me last night. i kind of feel like my prayer wasn't very good. but just keep coming here and going to God Lost and you can't go wrong. don't let satan who is a roaring lion, devour God's sheep which is you.

i think you need to post about what we talked about last night about plan B. i don't have time right now but like i said last night, it's time and you are ready for plan B, you are just not prepared.

so can everyone start to chime in and help lost w/devoloping her plan b letter and instructing her on things she needs to do like finding an intermediary, finding a lawyer, dealing w/the bills and the house hold things, how to deal w/the kids, etc. i don't have the knowlege or advice to instruct her on the plan B thing but i think most would agree it's time. i figure it will take her 2-3 weeks to get all her ducks in a row before she can implement plan B. so please help her in this process. i told her she should post the plan B separately in order to get the most responses.

lost, i'm sending a cyber hug to you {{{{{{{{{{lost}}}}}}}}}}} it was so good to talk to you last night and even though we are learning some tough lessons like you said, that if we stay in a constant attitude of prayer, then we will be okay. i will see what i can find out next week about the nose bleeds and a different church in your area. prayers to you and i'll "see" you on tuesday. love and God bless, RR

I am still alive. But it is chaos here. The kids are fighting.

WH came home yesterday, and we went out. I didn't feel too well to be around him, actually I liked the family time, but I was constantly afrais that he was going to leave again. Here it is, he said he is going again. I am very agnry and sad, what a stupid man, why do I love him? What for? Just go forever.

Lostnhurt - Glad to see you are doing okay. I think it is really time to seriously think about Plan B. Have you seen your doctor yet? You might want to do that and get some anti-depressants.

Plan B is very hard at first, but does bring peace.

I am seriously thinking Plan B now. What do I need to do besises the letter? Do I have to seperate legally?

Today we went to church. Of course Wh disappeared again when we came back. I expect that already. But I was so tired, physically and mentally. So I just went to bed, then waken up by the kid's fighting. I know that this whole deal is taking a toll of my health. How much can a dr. do? I just have to be strong by myself, through GOD.

It is so quiet here. I wish everyone have a good time. I am ok, Wh disappeared. But The kids and I are ok, we will make it.

LNH,

I've been being BAD today. I don't have problems with an A or drinking like WH does, but I have problems once I start SHOPPING! I have a hard time stopping. I spent all day yesterday and today trying to update my wardrobe. I have a few cute clothes, but also have a lot of things that should have been tossed a long time ago.

I haven't owed a balance on a credit card of any size for a long time. Now, between the furniture I bought and DS's birthday gift, and my two days of clothing shopping, I'm going to hate myself next month. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm going to go through all the clothes again just to make sure I really want the rest of them. I already have three bags of things I'm going to take back.

But that's quite enough about me....

I do think a doctor could help you. Are you taking antidepressants right now? If not, you might talk to your doctor about them. They don't kick in right away. They take time. But they might be what you need to get you over the hump. And if you are on A/D's and they're not helping, you should tell your doctor and he'll probably switch you.

I do think you're getting closer to Plan B. I can't offer advice because I haven't done a good one, but as I've said all along, it IS easier to not be living in the same house as the WH.

LL

LL, I wish we are close so we can go shopping together. I don't like shopping at all, so if we averagae together, it will halp both of us.

I am taking Celexa, I stopped for a month, I thought I was ok, but now it is getting worse. So I started few days ago. But i am very tired lately. I can eat, but not as normal. I ate less than my DD. My weight was stable.

Just hung up with sis discussing Plan B. We decided to just ask him to move out, then give him the letter. I don't know about the children. She suggests we take turn to have the kids each week. I don't know whehter that is good idea and it is good for the kids. Please give me some idea. I decided not to talk about the financial. I am incontrol all of the money, there is no point to seperate it now.

LNH,

I can browse stores forever just daydreaming. That's one of the things that used to really annoy WH. My best friend at work hates to shop--it's her H who actually likes to. You don't like it. Isn't it funny how we're all so different?

I do wish we were closer. You would have gotten me out of the stores in a fraction of the time (and I'd have spent a fraction of the money I spent! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) And then we could have gone somewhere and enjoyed a nic meal or something together and just visited.

As for your Celexa, that's what I used to take. I liked it, but also like Lexapro (I had to switch because my insurance dropped Celexa). They're very similar, and I actually think I have slightly less anxiety on the Lexapro. Either way, if you stopped taking it, it will take a couple weeks at a minimum to start helping you again. I'd advise you to stick with it for a few months, unless it starts giving you side effects. Then if things settle down, you can wean back off and quit again.

I'm not sure I have much Plan B advice. I didn't legally separate. Ours is all "unofficial". I do need my WH's child support to get by so that complicates things. I have to stay in good enough with him so that he doesn't stop paying.

If you can make it on your own without financial assistance from WH you are in good shape. (Not saying he shouldn't pay something toward the kids--I think he should--but it will be easier if you don't absolutely have to have it to live).

I don't really like telling anyone to tell their spouse to move out. But on the other hand, you are really suffering with him there and acting like he is. If he does move, and you really want your marriage to have a chance, learn from my terrible Plan B and do a better one yourself. I have not done my M any favors by just letting the love slip away. (But I do feel better!)

I guess that's about all I can tell you right now. Oh, and because your children are younger than mine, I do think both you and your WH should take turns with them. He will always be their dad, no matter what happens with the two of you.

LL

lostnhurt -

Well I feel very bad for you. I am still in Seattle, and enjoying time with my sister. I have to go back home on Tuesday and am dreading it.

This has been such a good vacation for me. My boys and I have had a great time here.

Hope you are hanging in there.

Hang in there L&H...plan B will be good for you.

Your WH has controlled your emotions long enough...it is about time you take control of it.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Believer, I am glad you have a good time for your vacation. You need it. You are right, it is hard for me, Wh is controlling my emotion. I have to end it soon.

Zizzy, how do you do your plan B? My concern are the children now. I don't know how to deal with it. Please give some advice.

It is summer now, I am off, I am supposed to take care of them. But then WH is off the hook and have fun all the time, is that fair? How can he get a fair share for taking care of the children?

L&H...Fix the time and days for the children to meet their dad. Make sure you do not meet him when he picks up the kids so find a good pick up place like say grandma's house perhaps. Or if you dont have that possibility then sent the kids out the moment you see him at the gate. Make sure you stay out of sight. If he cannot make it on those days tell him to contact you via text message or email. Better yet if you can get an intermediary to help out in communication.

Since my new boundaries were put up, i do not even reply or contact WH. He knows the time and date. If he cannot make it then that is too bad. WH loves DD very much but lately i doubt he cares enough for her.

Remember this...you can handle the kids without WH...you need not tell WH everything...this is absolute important during plan B because those contact with WH regarding children can cause you to fall off the wagon many times. You will get upset when WH show less concern about the children so try not to tell him everything unless it is an emergency.

I hope you find some peace soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />