I know that. My sis kept asking me what do I need my WH for. I even don't know how to answer. I don't want to talk to anybody, don't want to see anybody. I have to get out of this.

Lostnhurt,
The affair exposed what was present long before -- a pattern of inconsiderate and thoughtless behavior. You aren't getting "out of this" by removing yourself and your children. You are protecting them and you by giving him the opportunity to choose to be with you as a husband and father OR NOT -- his choice.

This isn't your choice. He is the one who must choose to love you as Christ loved the Church OR NOT.

At present, his choice is NOT. Your choice is what to do about that choice. Removing yourself is protection for you and time for him to think about the consequences of his choice.

My IC once said, "People do what works for them." He is doing what works for him -- coming and going as he pleases, doing what he sees fit without regard for the impact on you or the children.

Cherished

Cherished, I got what you said. Plan B is very soon. It may be next week when I am done with my teaching.

I am in my office now, the kids are home alone sleeping. He said he would come home for them, but nowhere to be found. He doesn'e take my call. I hate him.

Lostnhurt,
Don't hate him. He isn't doing what he is doing to hurt you. He doesn't hate you. He's just immature. He never learned that the greatest joy is in sharing happiness. He wants everything his way, and his definition of care is that you support him in everything he wants to do. You are controlling if you place any restrictions on him.

There's a reason why you stayed in this M so long, and it is your Christian commitment to M no matter what. You tolerated disregard.

My H is really struggling, and I am beginning to understand that what our priest said was very true. We have "interlocking problems."

My H has continued to use the line that it is my fault that we aren't progessing because I won't forgive him for one mistake. No, no, no. This isn't about the past. This is about his view of M and the view that I had that allowed it to continue.

If you do go to Plan B, and go dark, please let us know about it. I care about you. You seem to have such a similar situation to mine, only you have handled yourself far better than I. I made the mistake of thinking I could change him. He has to make that decision for himself.

Good luck --
Cherished

lostnhurt -

Have you decided what you are going to do this weekend?

I was angry and Lbed. During the break of my class, I called home. D said that they were home alone. It was already 10:30am. I got so angry that I called him again. He said what? I said where are you? He said I am at work(definitely not)? I said in an angry tone: How are about the kids. He hung up. I was just so mad and couldn't stop crying. I feel so bad for my kids. That moment I want to kick him out NOW. Then I called his cousin and told her everything. She calmed me down and offer to go to the house to take a look at the kids. I apprecited so much. But I told her to hols on a little bit, just keep calling them for every 20 minutes. Finally she called me back at 11:30 and told me that WH was home.

Cherished, I know that I can not hate him, I have to ask GOD to help me with that part. But I do, I really do now. SInce the A broke, I never hated him, but now I do for what he did to the children.

Believer, I don't have a definite Plan yet. I may just take the kids to see my dad.

Hi, Believer, I think that you are still on line. I tried to call you. Just want to talk to you. I felt so angry and sad today.

I am driving home now. Don't waorry about me. I will be ok. You don't need to get off line. I don't know how to pick up the phone while driving anyway. Wish you a happy Saturday and happy cleaning.

lostnhurt -

I tried to call you back, no answer. I guess you were still driving home. Isn't it funny how we women don't get as mad when we are hurt, but get furious when someone hurts our children? Try not to LB too much.

Believer, I saw couple calls with no ID. I called around to ask who called me, but your line was busy. THank you for calling. I was Ok.

Sat I took D for the pgychaist evalution. It was a far away place I've never been to wiht all crooked roads. I got lost in the middle. By the time we were done and home, it was 8:30pm. I was so tired that I was shaking.

WWH promised to take her before. But we had a fight after I came home from school. He told me to take her. He tols me he will be moving out in July. I said fine, it is your choice. He said that you said so, ok. I said that don't put the responisbility on me, it is you to choose to leave, I just can not tied you up. It was an intensive fight.

On the way home, he called to ask us when to came back and a friend called to see firework. D picked up the phone. When we came home, he cooked dinner and waited for us. I felt a little bit better. Then he said I should stay home to take a rest, he would take the kids to see firework. I agreed(I knew that he just didn't want me to go), I was too tired. But S wanted me to go, he was just dragging me. I went with them. It was good. THe temp was low in the 50's. It took a long time to get out b/c so many cars. We arrived home 12:30am, all of us fell asleep. I couldn't do it by myself.

Then Sunday, we went to church. We gave him a electric razor for Father's day. WH refused to go with us or the picnic. I asked what he wanted to so. He said nothing. I told him I am going to my father's, willl he go. He said yes. So we ended up going to father's for dinner.

D was admitted to a 4 day intensive outpatient program. I have to go now.

My D is only two years younger, and my heart really goes out to you in seeing her in such a state, esp. since it may have been caused by your marital problems.

My IC once said something very comforting to me: "Let him have his excuses." If he wants to blame you for the end of the M, let him.

I realized a long time ago that what Harley really does is end bad marriages. It takes both husband and wife to create a good marriage. If one won't participate, the one who wants a good marriage will probably divorce because they see what a good marriage is.

Don't settle for such disregard, whether or not he is still having an affair.
Cherished

lostnhurt - That is very good news about your daughter. She needs to get some help. Let us know how it goes.

I doubt that your WH will move out. We will see. So far it is all talk, and no action.

hey lost, back in the office this week so i have computer access and i just got caught up on your posts. so what is this intensive 4 day outpatient program that your DD got admitted to? tell us more about it when you get a chance.

you hang in there, you are doing what you can in this awful situation. God knows that and we know that, hopefully someday your kids and WH will know that too. our feelings are very confusing, i'm kind of doing some spiraling in my feeling myself, we all do. but keep going to the one that can take away all your hurts, God.

when will you be calling your pastor friend? soon i hope. sending a cyber hug your way {{{{{{{{{{lost}}}}}}}}}}} prayers to you, RR

signing off for today and hope that you are okay and know that we are all here pulling for you, prayers to you, your sister in Christ, RR

Oh, finally got a chance to come in. It is been a long hard day. We left about 7:45am, Wh sent S to another VBS.

The program D was admitted to was called Face to Face crisis intervention program. She will be tested by physcolosits, phychiatrist, and therappist. It is a 5 day program, sorry for the typo, it was a hurry this morning. But when I got there, we were told that it may take 5-10 days depending how it goes. So we were interviewed for an hour, then D went to her program. The therapist, like Sat, the Dr., asked waht was going on between me and WH. I said that I don't want to talk about it infront of D, they were very understanable. They talked to me seperately and told me they respect my wish not letting D knowing the detail. Not like the other counselor, just assuming we are DVing. But anyway, she was terrible. when I got home, D's pedetrician called, she said the other counselor called her and scared her. The couselor just made it sound so terrible that she threatened to lock up D. But after talking to the phychaitrist(who is the executive director of the center), he said he didn't think it is that bad. But there maybe a lot of emotion to let out. This center is called the Child and Adlecent and Family center. One of day, WH has to come in too.

So the program was supposed to end at 3pm, I can pick her up and then leave for work. But I was told that today, the phychiastrist need to see her after the program. I would not have enough time to pick her up. So when I went home, I called WH and asked him whether he could do it. He said ok. Then I had to think of a place to put S, he was picked up at 12pm. And his cousin offered to take him. It was a relief.

After lunch, I was so exuahsted. But still had some calls coming in about mortgage. I took care a purchase, dealt with the realtor. Finally took a nap. Till almost 3pm, WH called. I didn't pick up the phone b/c I was too tired and I wanted him to know what it is like not answering the phone. He kept calling home and cell phone. but I made a big mistake. He was asking me when he needed to go to pick up D. I finally called him back and asked him where he was, he said in the office. I said what? He said, you told me that it is going to be 4 or 4:30pm. I immediately appologized for my miscommunication. I said that she was out of the program, but need to be seen by the Dr., and parent must be there. I said you've better go now. He said I have a lot to do here, but I will go now. Then the center called, and D called, when are you coming to pick her? I told them that Wh was on the way. Then Wh called again, he was lost. I had to direct him from the map. Then my cell phone rang, the client called. It was a caos. Finally, he said he found the way, I left immediately to drop S off to cousin's and went to work.

This is the last week of the summer I, lots of work to do. Some students asked for different time to take the final. I had to prepare the final, grade the last tests. Summer programs are always a big rush. But I like to be busy like this so my mind will not focus on WH. Next week I will be totally off, then WH will be totally off too. We will see. If that is the case, Plan B.

The reason I was so tired was that I didn't sleep well last night. My neck was really stiff and my back hurt. I woke up at midnight to get a hot pad to reduce the pain. The pain was so tense that I couldn't sleep. Well, WH usually would help me to get the stuff and pad me to sleep, now he is in the other end of the house, or he even may not be home. I had to do it myself. My neck is still hurting.

lostnhurt - I am so happy that your daughter is getting the help she needs. It is too hard for us parents to help our kids. So she is in good hands. That will give you some peace of mind.

Hope you are feeling better. I am doing well.

hoping you are well today and the program your daughter is in sounds very reputible. how did you hear of it? sounds like your D's former counselr was a nutcase herself and shouldn't be in the counseling field.

i pretty much didn't get any work done yesterday w/catching up on the forums and emails so i better get some done today. prayers to you, RR

Well, just come back from dropping off D. It was a 2 hour round trip, I will have to go again this afternoon, then to work. What a long drive.

I learned about the center by calling the insurance company. They gave me some name that are close by, none of them dealt with kids, then I got more names and further away, and finally got this one.

Yesterday when I wnet home, only S was home alone, WH's car was not in the garage. I didn't know what happened. I was so scared. There was a news few days agao about a 12 year old girl was kidnapped and killed in the area when she was home alone with her little brother. The news sadi that mom was out social, I assumed that dad was out of the picture. THis morning another news that aman was killed at 7am, just 2 miles down on the road. THis is supposed to be a good area, I don't know what is wrong.

anyway, I asked S where are sis and dad. He told me that they were in neighbor's house (2 houses away) for a meeting. WH is the treasure of the community assciation, I guess they had the annual meeting, it was raining very hard. Finally he came back. I asked him how was the session seeing the Dr. He said no use, those people just wanted to take D in for money. That is how he view all the counseling sessions, MBW, and D's sessions. I felt so hopeless. This man just think he is god.

Well of course he thinks they are after money. He doesn't think anything is wrong with your D. He also doesn't want to admit how his unreliability is hurting his family. He's all fogged out.

Teach your S not to play with matches, or fire. Tell him to always lock the doors and windows when he is home alone. And tell him not to answer the door, no matter who it is. That should keep him safe.

Also in California, we have a sheriff's website that has a map of all the serious sex offenders in the area. See if there is one for your area.

Believer, the children were instructed about safety many times, in school, visiting Police dept., and by myself too. I hope that they know what to do and not do.

WH doesn't consider we are family anymore. He wants his freedom. Pretty soon he will have it.

How are you doing? Any news? I miss talking to you.

RR, are you busy catching up your work now. I hope you have time to relax. I need to sleep so much lately, I am just easily tired. I hope everything is over soon so I can relax.