I have a question about Plan B contact.

Instead of using a third party as intermediary (something WH absolutely refuses to do) I informed WH that I would only communicate with him in writing (unless there was an emergency requiring quicker contact by phone). I also notified him that I would not have any private communication with him as long as OW was still in the picture and he wasn't planning on committing to our marriage. I have several reasons for doing this, including my belief that it is wrong to communicate with someone of the opposite sex behind your partner's back. He has to make a choice between OW and me, and then IMO only one of us will continue to have private contact with him that the other is not privy to. I also told WH that any communication he has with me will not be kept secret. He wants to reconcile with me secretly - not let OW and his family know. (Another, equally repulsive option - he wants to come home but tell OW and his family I forced him to come home or else he woudln't get to see his children - AND continue to see OW on the side!)

Anyway, when he e-mails me, he includes this statement:

>>> The information contained in this e-mail transmission is privileged and/or confidential intended solely for the exclusive use of the individual addressee. If you are not the intended addressee you are hereby notified that any retention, disclosure or other use is strictly prohibited. If you have received this notification in error, please immediately contact the sender and delete the material.

I notified him that he had to remove that statement from his communication with me or else I will not respond.

What do you think? Just contunie to ignore any e-mails he sends that have that statement, right?

Or maybe I should respond ONLY with reiterating the requirement that there be no secret communication, that he has to remove that privacy statement?

Keep to short and simple answers. Dont answer anything unless needed to.

Do you have a Hand phone. Try communicating by text messaging. It is hard to write much by text messaging.

If you do email...you may end up writing more than you are supposed to.

Dont fall into the trap of being nice to WH. Think of them like a bad person therefore you wont write much.

I wanted to be nice to WH while doing plan B and that was a bad plan. It back fired because i was slowly opening up to him again. That led to meetings and fall off the wagon. So dont write much and stay dark.

meremortal,

Ignore that tag at teh end of his email. That's standard for many companies these days and in fact it may be added by his corporate mail server and he may have no control over it whatsoever.

My company's tag line is almost identical to what you posted (just the end is different):

NOTICE: This email message is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain confidential and privileged information. Any unauthorized review, use, disclosure, or distribution is prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender by reply email and destroy all copies, including without limitation electronic or printed versions of the message.

More importantly, in Plan B, why are you even bothering communicating about tags in his email? NO CONTACT except for emergencies or after he's agreed to NC the OW and work on the M, right?

I also notified him that I would not have any private communication with him as long as OW was still in the picture and he wasn't planning on committing to our marriage.
The last part about "commiting to the marriage" is not when Plan B ends. It is when he ends the affair/contact with ow. Get him to end the affair before you try to get a commitment from him

<small>[ May 06, 2004, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

ZizzyCool,

The communication is minimal - only when absolutely necessary, finances/kids, to the point. Just the sort of thing you have to discuss sometimes even if in Plan B. The e-mail he sent this morning was the first in weeks, just not sure whether/how to respond because he hasn't removed that privacy comment.

Turtlehead,

The e-mails he's sent from work in the past didn't have that notice included. He only started including it after I notified him that I would no longer have any private communication with him, that I refuse to enable his double life and cake-eating by keeping things he tells me secret.

Chris,

I broke Plan B a few times before to meet with him (or to talk on phone) to discuss him coming home. He would say he wanted to come home. He would swear he and OW had broken up for good and that he would promise to do whatever it took to prove it and for marital recovery... to meet the conditions needed to end Plan B.

But then he'd refuse to do what he'd promised, refuse to send no contact letter to OW, and reveal that what he really wanted was for me to just let him come home but he would tell OW and his family I forced him home. Or he'd tell me he wanted to date me but for me not to tell OW and his family (with the excuse he wanted to take things one-day-at-a-time and keep it secret in case it didn't work out). Of course I would refuse and go back into Plan B.

There also were other reasons I needed to go strictly to written communication with him besides wanting to end all cake-eating communication. But it was mostly needing to have his requests to see me or to come home, and his promises re: no contact with OW and marital recovery, in writing. Otherwise I would never be able to even consider ending Plan B again.

So this time when I went back to Plan B I refused to have any further communication with him that was not in writing. And I said whatever he told me I would not keep secret from his family and OW.

Also, I had already informed him (a long time ago) that if we divorced I would not want to be 'friends' and would no longer have any contact with him unless it was an emergency or our daughters requested both of our presence at an event. So unless he's willing to totally end it with OW AND make a committment then I guess I'd be sort of Plan B'ing him the rest of my life. Anyway, if we divorce and I remarry I would not want to have any contact with him that my new husband didn't know all the details of. So I would probably just stick to written communication solely about what was absolutely necessary as the easiest way to be accountable and respectful to my new husband.

So I figured unless WH ends it with OW and makes a committment to our marriage then I will never have any needless communication with him again, and whatever communication we do have to have will not be private. WH may as well start getting used to that.

<small>[ May 06, 2004, 03:20 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>