Hello,

I've never posted here but for quite a while on the EN board until Penny told me this would be a good place to be.

After years of struggling, I admitted to myself that H is addicted to internet porn and is verbally abusive. I read a lot about both, and as shocking as it was, I'm glad to have names for what's happening in our M.

A couple of weeks ago I sent Plan A letters - approved by Penny - to my MIL and my SIL about my H's porn addiction and his verbal abuse. It took quite a while for them to respond and when they did, they suggested trying MC. Well, H doesn't want to try MC, we have been talking about that for months. All he grudgingly accepts is me working with Penny. But that's beside the point.

All this time, they - MIL and SIL - have not talked or e-mailed to H about the Plan A Letter.
So finally, I told him yesterday what I told them as I couldn't stand waiting for the blow up anymore.

H already had made it clear on several occasions when I spoke to my parents about our problems or posted on MB that he doesn't want me to do that. I never promised not to but instead told him that I'm reaching out for desperately needed help and I wouldn't stop as long as we can't fnd a way to improve our M.

I was of course prepared for him to be mad at my telling his family. It still hurts. Here's how he reacted:

He told me I betrayed him, he can't trust me anymore at all, that I'm nothing but a sneak, going behind his back, that I humiliated him and destroyed his relationship with others. He said he didn't want to talk to me anymore but went on doing so, accusing me.
Whenever I tried to explain that I'm desperate and was hoping that his family could help us find ways to heal our M, he cut me off.
One of our sons was in the room with us.
When I said that I'd be making dinner now - after a long period of hostile silence -, H said, "Take him (son) with you." Now this really shocked me as son wasn't doing anything, not even a peep, and normally H enjoys being around his kids. I asked him if he didn't even want his son around anymore now, H just looked at me.

Later, H told me I'd have a week to pack my bags and go back to my home country.

Later still, he took me in his arms and asked if I really told his family. When I said yes, he just laughed.

And the last thing he said to me before going to sleep was that he'd never forgive me what I had done.


I assume this might be a pretty "normal" reaction when your spouse finds out about your IP letter. Still, it had me shaking and feeling sick.

Does anybody have some insight whatsoever?
How should I act?

Thank you!

If he was having an affair and you revealed the affair to his family, yes, that reaction would be typical - maybe even mild.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He told me ...that I humiliated him and destroyed his relationship with others. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He did that all on his own, with his established behaviors.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One of our sons was in the room with us.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your SON witnessed this???
WHY?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Later, H told me I'd have a week to pack my bags and go back to my home country.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't pack your bags. If he's so danged uncomfortable, let *him* leave the house.

GetLoveBack:

It is hard for me to believe that a professional counselor told you to tell your husband's mother and sister that he looks at porn. I can't see a possible positive result from such an act. If the desired effect was to embarrass your husband I think that you have succeeded. Geez. Did you discuss if he masturbates or what he says during sex? Did you discuss what turns him on in bed? Where is the limit to this line of reasoning?

This action may get him to stop looking at porn. If this is the only goal you had it may succeed. If the intentions was to get your husbands attention it probably worked too. If this action was done to bring your husband closer to you I think it is a miserable failure. There are some things in married life that are between husband and wife. Things like that a just not discussed in mixed company . . . at least not in my very prudish family.

I may have missed the boat on this one, but I really question this practice.

P.S. I am not a marriage coach. I too busy mucking up my own life to coach anyone else through their's.

<small>[ May 06, 2004, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]</small>

worthatry:

No, he was not having an affair. He is addicted to internet porn. I've been struggling with this for almost 5 years and all the while he blamed me for his porn use because my libido took a nose dive. But even in our sexually most active and fulfilling times, he'd still do porn. Even knowing how much his lying about it hurts me and our M, he'd still do porn. Porn as in watching women at webcam sites, using interactive webcam sites, and chatting on porn sites. I don't know if he's been seeing prostitutes as well, but it's a possibility. I didn't tell my in laws that, though.
Even though I know that some people don't consider that as cheating, I do, and that's how I feel.
My H shows a lot of signs of a porn addiction. Unfortunately, in the general public porn addiction is not as "accepted" as a disease yet as, say, alcoholism. But in the case of alcoholism you'd get as many people on board to help with the addiction. That's what you'd do with porn addiction as well. Hence the exposure.


turtlehead:

Thanks for your reply.

My son was with us in the room because my H finds it very hard, if not impossible, to delay talks about our M until the time is more convenient. We have an agreement that whenever I want to talk about something serious or time consuming, I let him know before had so he can tell me when the best time to talk would be. He'd rather avoid discussions about our M altogether and hates to be "trapped" into one without notice, so he does better when he knows one's coming. Or so it was meant to be. But when I ask him when we can talk, he'll press me for details and basically gets rather mean so I tell him even if the situation wouldn't allow it. I want my kids to witness as little verbal abuse as possible, like choosing the lesser of two evils. But in this situation, it backfired. I should have let him "harass" me for the talk we were going to have later rather than actually have the talk with my son present.

About packing my bags: He even threatened to call the police to make me leave on the grounds he doesn't want me here. I'm not sure if the police would come as I'm not here illegally and I didn't do anything illegal - other than making H uncomfortable.


ComfortablyNumb:
The reasoning for exposing an addiction - in this case a porn addiction - is not so different from the reason for exposing an affair: Taking away the secrecy, getting people on board to help him overcome the addiction and to seek help to stop the porn use.
Same goes for the verbal abuse: Without high-quality counselling (and possibly even WITH that), H will never be able to overcome that.

Whatever *I* do will not make him stop the porn use because it's an addiction. That was not the intention of the letter. The intention was to get people encourage him to seek help for his addiction. And no, it wasn't necessary to discuss details, a plain statement about H being addicted to porn was enough.

bump