All right - the truth is out and my WH and I are working on the M, but......

1. Sometimes I want to throw my wedding rings away.

2. Sometimes saying I love you to him is painful.

3. Sometimes I wonder how I can EVER trust this man again.

4. My self-esteem is still in the gutter - even though technically I've know about the A since November but confession time was 2 1/2 weeks ago.

5. Sometimes I wonder why I should have to learn to live with this big of a betrayal after all the sacrifices I have already made during the M pre-A.

I lurk in the forum now because I search for answers to what is "normal" and sometimes I find them, but I wonder when does it really start to get better???? I guess I'm in recovery since my WH claims the A is over and ended in November, but I just don't know if I want to put myself out there to him again since he still works with her. We need his job to survive so right now leaving is not an option, but I hate the fact that she is still in the picture. How do you REALLY know if it is over?

Just a few additions:

1. I do still love my WH, but it hurts so bad!

2. He is trying and I see that, but I'm soooo angry right now!

3. He claims he is hurting too and I think he is but how do I know what is causing the hurt?

I guess I'm in recovery since my WH claims the A is over and ended in November, but I just don't know if I want to put myself out there to him again since he still works with her. We need his job to survive so right now leaving is not an option, but I hate the fact that she is still in the picture. How do you REALLY know if it is over?

What recovery ACTIONS have both you AND your H commited yourselves to doing?

You need a recovery PLAN.

Pep

Originally posted by SpouseGuess:
Just a few additions:

1. I do still love my WH, but it hurts so bad!

It hurts because of the love.

2. He is trying and I see that, but I'm soooo angry right now!

What exactly is he doing when he is "trying". Name the actions.

3. He claims he is hurting too and I think he is but how do I know what is causing the hurt?


If you think about it ... it is his marriage too that has been damaged ... and doesn't he have a right to feel sad when his marriage is hurt?

He "claims" he is hurting ... sorry ... you just cannot slip that word "claims" past me.

If he says he is hurting ... he IS hurting.

No one can second guess another's emotional truths.

He is hurting.

Do you care? perhaps not at this time. You might still be too angry. (and that's OK)

But do not doubt this ... he hurts.

He hurts to see you hurt ... knowing his actions placed that weight upon your heart and squashed your marriage ... knowing he's crushed your spirit does not make him feel great about himself.

Think it over.

Pep

Pepperband - I know you are trying to help, but you are right. I am just very angry and in so much pain that I really don't want to validate his pain - it just adds fuel to my anger. HE DID THIS TERRIBLE THING TO OUR MARRIAGE - NOT ME! Yet I am the one who was here for the two years he was in his little fantasy land taking care of the real world problems and where was he when I needed someone to hold me? He was holding someone else! You may think that I don't see both sides of the coin, but I do. Right now I'm just not sure what I want. I know that what he has taken from me can never be replaced and you guys say that it can be better, but it is VERY tough to see that right now.

So maybe what I should really ask is how do I cope with the anger in constructive ways? I do my best not to vent on him, but I have nowhere else to turn. We are looking into marriage counseling, but haven't set anything up yet. I know it is important, but we have an 11 year old son that will be questioning why we need that and what is the answer to him? No one in the family knows of this except my two sisters.

As for his actions:

1. He is home directly after work and on weekends now.

2. He keeps his cell phone on when he leaves for work and calls me when he gets to work. He calls me when he leaves work, even for lunch, and tells me where he is and when to expect him.

3. He gave me the password to his hotmail account, but he no longer uses that one anyway so it doesn't matter.

4. He has curtailed his traveling drastically in the last six months and leaves me a full itinerary when he does travel - also tells me who is going and I check her voice mail to see if she is out of the office at the same time.

5. He promised never to attend any functions that she is at and never to travel with her again. He says that he can guarantee that.

6. He is reading SAA, HNHN, and Torn Asunder with me. He has also read some parts of this web site.

7. He holds me when I cry and talks to me whenever I want or need it.

8. He brought all credit card statements home.

I guess I have no reason to suspect that it is still going on but I am VERY afraid of what my future holds now. Can you understand that?

I do see his pain and alternate between anger and pity, but it just gets to be too much.

Sounds like he is doing all of the right things. You will get through this, and things will get better. When you first find out it is a terrible shock and your self-esteem is in the toilet. But this will not last forever.

Try not to take it personally, although it is hard not to. Usually the WS does not plan an A, just falls into it. Yes, the feeling of exclusiveness is gone, and the feeling that you and WH had a special love. That is the sad part.

However, you can have a marriage that is better than before. Many, many people here are proof of that.

Wow, if my Wh does one of those in the list, I will be in the sky.

You will find your love back and your M will be better. Please follow the pratice suggested in HNHN and Love Buster.