Hello --

I am mostly a lurker and have been since November. I haven't posted my whole story before because everytime I'd start, it would get long and confusing. But now I need some advice.

I found out in Sept. '03 that my H had a ONS (he says OS only, no intercourse) with our children's 21-year-old married nanny while I was out of town almost seven years ago. During that time, I wanted to let her go, because she began acting like she knew better than me how to care for my children, my home, etc.

My H said that we must keep her because we relied on her so much. She stayed another year until she became pregnant with her second child. (H swears there's no chance its his.) The poisonous atmosphere in my home was chalked up to me being depressed, so I bought that and went on ADs.

In the intevening years, our M deteriorated to the point where I threatened to leave. I had bought HSHNs, the tapes, books -- everything several years ago, but he wasn't listening, reading or doing homework. By the time I was ready to leave, he decided he did wanted to do MB -- we even had several counseling sessions with SH -- at this point I was in deep withdrawal.

I found out about his ONS in Sept. because my H called me (I was on a business trip) and told me that her H was calling the house, first asking for me, and then swearing, yelling and threatening him.

My H told me it was a ONS only and that he immediately knew it was a mistake and nothing more ever happened. He wanted to know what he should do. The H called several more times that week.

I told him if the H was threatening our family's safety, he should call the police, and that he needed to assure me of my children's safety or I would take them and leave that week.

Shortly after this, I told him to call Dr. H and ask him how to handle this. My H took his advice and blocked his phone number and we didn't hear anymore from the OW's H.

We basically started from scratch w/Dr. H w/this new information. Unlike most BS here, I did not want my H back. I was already severely withdrawn -- this revelation was like icing on the cake. But I've hung in there with Dr. H's encouragement and because I feel strongly that a D. would be terrible on our youngest son and my older stepson (his from his last marriage.) This is my second marriage, my H's fourth.

We've made some progress (I haven't felt like bolting out the door every day), but have lost momentmum. We haven't talked to Dr. H for at least a month or more.

Tonight when we got home, there were messages on the answering machine. The first one was to me from the OW's H. He sounded calm. He said, "M, this is OW's H. It's a little before 4. If you get this message before H gets home, call me at XXX-XXXX." My H, my youngest son, and our cleaning lady were all standing there. I left the room and sat down. H acted like nothing happened and continued to chit-chat with the cleaning lady for another 20 minutes or so.

After a while, I asked him if I could speak w/him, because I thought maybe he didn't hear it. I said, "Did you hear that message." He said, "yes." I asked him why he acted like it was nothing and he said he didn't want to say anything in front of our S. I said I understood that, but would have liked for him to join me in the other room and offer some small acknowledgment or apology. He then said he was sorry. He's taken our son swimming now. We haven't talked anymore about it.

I think this man will continue to call forever -- maybe not for weeks or months at a time -- but he will call. I'm thinking of calling him, although the thought makes me dizzy and scared.

Should I call him? What do I tell him? Advice!??

Thanks,
Shellybird

Hi Shelly -

I don't have much advice, but you may try doing what I did when OW called my home. Change your phone number, and make it unlisted. It costs a little more, but well worth it to me.

I'm sorry that you're here, but it is a great place to be when you need it most. Good luck to you...

- WHB

Thanks, WHB --

We haven't talked much about it, although my H apologized. I asked him if I should call him and he said it was up to me.

The thought of calling him makes me upset, but if I call, then I can choose the time and place. I'd be very upset if he called and one of my children answered or I had company or something.

Any other advice out there?
Shellybird

Shelley, please call the man and let him say what he has to say. You have only heard your H's version and there may be MUCH MORE going on here than meets the eye. He may have pertinent information that you NEED TO KNOW.

I don't understand why this man was treated this way? He is just as much a victim as you. Why wouldn't you give him the courtesy of a call back? What has he done to you? The only version you have of this story is your H's side.

Thanks, Melody,

I will call him back today. When he first called several months ago, he was very emotional and threatening. I think that's why Dr. H suggested not calling him and blocking his number. However, SH also said he thinks he just wants to "rat out my husband."

The thought of talking about all this and the gory details makes me sick. As much as I'm unhappy w/my H, I hope OW's H doesn't try to paint his W as a victim. I don't know how I will respond if he does. When he initially called yelling and swearing at my H, he told him it was all his fault and that my H had ruined his family. I think they both were responsible for their actions.

My H said he will support whatever my decision is -- to call or not call. Wish me luck.

Shellybird

Thanks Shelly! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am glad you decided to call the man. Maybe after you hear what he has to say he will stop calling. I just have this feeling there is MORE to the story than what your H is telling you. I hope I am wrong! Good luck!

I agree with Melody - there is more to the story than you have been told. If OW's H has pertinent information then you should speak to him. If he turns out to be a raving lunatic, you can hang up.

How do you know OW's H was very emotional and threatening when he called the first time? Because your H, who has every reason in the world to paint OW's H as a bad guy, said so? And even if he *was* perhaps it was because he'd just learned of the A. He sounded calm in the message on the answering machine, right?

I don't buy the "it was only OS and it only happened once" story. If your H immediately regretted what he'd done, why didn't he jump at the chance to fire OW? Seems to me like he'd have been wanting to get her out of the house at all costs!

You can only rebuild when you're building on truth, and OW's H may have some truth to share with you. I'd recommend taping the conversation and/or taking notes. If OW's H makes fantastic claims, ask for proof. You need to make decisions about your life with your eyes open.

Thanks for your advice, WHB, Melody and TH --

I called him this afternoon. I was much braver and together than I thought I would be. I mustered as much kindness and dignity that I could given the rotten circumstances and told him I was returning his call. He asked if I knew why he had called. I told him, "yes, I believe I do know."

He said he wasn't sure what he wanted to say or talk about, so I took the lead and asked if he and OW were still together. He said yes, and the conversation went from there.

What she told him and what my H told me are the same -- I was explicit in my description. We took some comfort in that we both believed we were told the truth. I asked why she told him after all these years (he presumes guilt -- she told him about more than just my H, who wasn't the only one.) I told him I didn't call before because my H told me he was incredibly angry. He said he lost it when my H told him he didn't know what he was talking about. He also said it was probably a good thing I didn't talk to him then.

He said he wanted some sort of closure, that he was having trouble forgiving.

I asked him if he wanted to save his M -- he said yes, but was really struggling. I told him about MB and this site. Maybe he'll visit. I wished him well, asked about his kids, and he told me that if my H wants to call him to apologize to tell him not to.

Thanks for the assist, all.
Shellybird

You are good people, Shelly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />