|
|
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553 |
I received the following chilly email from my WH.
My attorney has already said not to respond to anything in writing; I cannot talk on phone since I have to phone OW -- unless I wait till next week when he's out of town. Or corner him in person sometime this weekend -- which would be stressful. I've been in Plan B for months. He lives with OW and has filed for D.
Some of the stuff he mentions will be in dispute. I certainly object to my teenage stepsons being pawns. They are ashamed of their father, and have dinner with us regularly.
I'm tempted to send the PBL again -- but I really don't know if there would be a point. Especially since he would position himself as the "reasonable" one -- me as the "emotional" one not willing to deal with issues.
I don't know how to respond to this. My "intermediary" is up to her armpits in her own problems right now -- can't use her.
Speaking of fog ... "the" marriage rather than "our" marriage... "your" house rather than "our" house. He's in heavy big-time denial -- and yet his request is reasonable. Have no idea what he's feeling...if anything.
I'm looking for ideas.
Dear betrayed wife:
I am writing to ask whether you have had any further thoughts about those of my belongings which are still at your house. I plan to be [in town] the entire last week of May -- that is, from the 22nd through the 31st -- and would like to ask [sons]to help me collect some or all of them during that period. At the least, I would like to collect [files and booze], although I would also like to begin removing [other things] as well.
To make it easier to think about, I have attached a preliminary list of the items I remember being left at your house. However, my memory is not complete; in particular, I could not possibly
remember every book, tape, or CD, nor would I expect you to be able to either. Moreover, since many of these and other things were acquired during the marriage, the list merely reflects my
understanding of what we have talked about before. Nevertheless, I hope it can serve as the basis for moving forward with the separation of our possessions.
Please let me know whether you would be agreeable to the removal of some or all of my things, and if so, on which days it would be possible to do it.
Thank you.
<small>[ May 06, 2004, 10:17 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 1,141
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 1,141 |
AAM,
no advice, just ((((hugs))))).
How are you feeling about this? If it were me, I know it would really hurt. Are you okay?
Perhaps you should take your lawyers advice.
Do you know how his kids feel about this? Hate to see them dragged into this.
Praying for you.
Love in Christ,
Miss M
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
My version of a reply:
Dear Alien,
As befits your current state of mind and status, the belongings no longer suited to this home are now awaiting your arrival. They are located at the end of the driveway in the pile marked, FREE.
Sincerely,
The real W.
ps: Please come by at your leisure. So far 4 other WS' have stopped by and asked for a few items. They need to decorate their A hobble.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553 |
Feeling? After six months of Plan B, you don't feel much.
Ice cold is his modus operandi. He never sees anything inappropriate in this kind of communication.
I think the sons feel deep shame. One of them said, "It was terrible hearing all the things our mother said about our father when we were growing up. It's been even more terrible finding out they were all true." They are both reserved, and don't talk about their feelings much. But they stay close to us, and I would not put them in this unbearable position.
Yes, the lawyer is expensive, and I've hired him to protect me. I don't want to work against him. He says things will go more smoothly if we can work together. He says no written messages, and no phone messages if they are likely to become permanent.
H is making a terrible mistake. No one is expecting things to last with weird-o OW. Their behavior has been tacky and insensitive in the extreme.
But, Ark, this might be the window you were looking for, even though OW is still in the picture.
With OW's D gone, there's no one I know who has any insight into what's going on. H will put a front on everything, and has no real friends. Except maybe me.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553 |
Thanks, Orchid! But I think that's exactly what my lawyer DIDN'T want me to do!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
I don't have a degree in 'law', just in being a BS! LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Ok.....orchid will go back to her corner of the world. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> L.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553 |
Guys, I just don't think Plan B is working at all here, except that it makes me feel better, so I'm strongly inclined to keep to it.
This guy's emotions are way, way buried down there. I think he's trying to keep things in separate boxes, and my Plan B is helping him stay in denial.
On the other hand, I can't think of anything else that might take a pickaxe to what remains of his conscience.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553 |
Oh BS, Orchid!
Weird, come to think of it ... I don't think H has responded at all to my attorney...although he may have. And he illegally filed "single" on taxes ... this isn't like him.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733 |
Plan B is a doube edge sword. It is also to help you drained that the reminding LU$ if the cow isn't coming home on time. Your LU$ drained faster since you keep track of your WH and unable to stay away w/ his business while you are in plan B ... I know it is a small town, I just point that one out. Just follow your lawyer; you pay big bucks for it, get your $ worth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . -rh-
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906 |
thinkin this thru on little coffee so bear with me... what if what if.... what if>>>>>>>> you were to just babble back some INSANE answer that answers nothing.... babble babble babble..... back... I'm talking you biggest best air head moment...response...that leaves him saying... what??? mix it up ..babble some emotions... here's a stab... dear husband I was shocked...SHOCKED I tell you when I read your letter...(oooh drama) and to hear from you. And still I am left wondering when it is I will hear from you. further thoughts you ask...further thoughts? I have plenty of thoughts and appreciate your concern oh so very much. Wasn't that long ago when you I were able to talk to one another of all things in this universe....as Lewis Carol penned in Alice in Wonderland... The time has the come the walrus said to talk of many things. Of shoes, and ship, and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings. I had to smile when you wrote my memory is not complete for that is as clear as the sunlight. I am reminded by your note that it was not long ago it was your house as well. And am reminded of some other things as well. Thank you so very much for triggering my memory and thoughts of you. I hope that where ever you are you are well and if you see my husband Tell him I think of him now and then and i miss him sometime... (batting eyelash emoticon here.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) blah blah blah.. ms. martin you can write a better babble letter than I.... but that's what I would do... But to do it well you have to let go of your own anxiety and fears of his reaction and or non-reaction... again the freeing moment may very well not be his sudden epiphany... the freeing moment may come from you... speaking your belief that somewhere in all these layers of can't turn back now...you still believe in him...the him you married buried way way down there... you free you by knowing you gave it that try... and that you are receptive as well... it may his only life-line... he may strangle himself with it... ARK
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,903
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,903 |
Oooh, I like your letter ark!!!
You write so eloquently!
And there is no need to get in trouble with the lawyer, no mention of his 'stuff' or your's. Babble, babble, babble. I love the letter!!!
Ark you are a BS poet (and I mean BS in a good way).
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,251
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,251 |
AM, I know your intermediary is up to her armpits, but REALLLLLLLY. This is not a big deal, so please have her handle it. It's what she's agreed to do.
And really, all it takes a two-line reply (though I did enjoy Ark's answer...):
"Dear Mr. [insert name here],
Ms. Martin is not interested in further separation of your joint possessions at this time.
Sincerely,
[Intermediary]"
There's no reason to get all worked up about it. We all know he wants more toys to play with, but, uhm, TOUGH. It's not your problem. Don't fix it for him.
And besides, I mean, REAAAAAALLLY. Who needs to talk about THAT stuff when it's nearly summer and life is gorgeous? BLah blah blah for heaven's sake BLAH!! BOOORRRRRRRING.
Then go back to Plan B and make the most of it; it's clearly working to heal you!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 2,028
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 2,028 |
Best laughs I've had all morning!! I like ALL the letters! Orchids, although the FUNNIEST, would probably get the lawyers at your front door. Arks might be used in court to declare you insane!! I think that J's idea of USING YOUR INTERMEDIARY - since that's why they're there - is the best bet. If you're not happy with ice cold - then have them send that two liner that J wrote - I bet you'll see boiling hot pretty quick!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
"Dear Mr. [insert name here],
Ms. Martin is not interested in further separation of your joint possessions at this time.
Sincerely,
[Intermediary]"
This one gets my vote.
... and the reason I vote this way...
probably because...
this response is the one I would be least likely to think up myself....
and this is why I think it is the correct response.
Pep
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553 |
I don't know, guys. I'm kind of thinking along Ark's lines. The intermediary maybe can send the two-liner. But the point is: H sends these formal business letters, and I am cornered into taking it all seriously, and get bent out of shape with lawyers, etc. Maybe sending something back that will take a pickaxe to this iceberg a bit. At least reminding myself that I don't have to take him seriously.
I'm afraid intermediary note will still break the rules, unless she left a phone message for him.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553 |
The point is: he sends off these emails where his conscience is heavily drugged -- and I go into a tailspin trying to respond in kind. It's not my style. The lawyer sent him a wad of stuff about separating our possessions -- for some reason he's not telling me he wishes to short-circuit that process. (Which is just as strange as his lying to the IRS -- this is HIS D, after all.)
Maybe responding in a dignified way is not what's called for.
H is very used to being taken SERIOUSLY.
<small>[ May 07, 2004, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733 |
Your lawyer tells you not to ... Plan B tells you no to ... That is 2-0 already ... oh, I forgot it is 2-1 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ... 1 from you finding reason for contact & get hurt again or taken downward in 'coaster <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . -rh-
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,251
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,251 |
AM, sweetie,
If you don't want to be in this tail spin, ignore his e-mail altogether. Delete it, or print it and ritually burn it.
YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED TO ANSWER.
Answering is the "polite" thing to do.
So was not having an affair.
We're a bit beyond polite right now.
Your atty told you not to respond.... so DON'T.
That's at least as good as the one-liner.
Probably better.
So... what are you doing this weekend? Gonna have some fun with friends?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906 |
I would love to consult Oscar Wilde on an response..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
ARK
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553 |
Well, okay. It's been a long day and I'm tired. Too tired to work with H.
However, for what it's worth -- I know that H has the fantasy that he is "reasonable," and others are simply for emotional reasons resisting his reasonable course of action. This is habitual with him.
He honestly is clueless about the effect his behavior has on others. The kids won't tell him; they've tolerated it for too long. He has no real friends. And acquaintances suck up to him. There have been no consequences for his action that he cannot be in denial about.
So there is no real Plan B here, Redhat. Not in the sense of it being a recovery method for a marriage. So what's the point in holding back anymore?
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
391
guests, and
30
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,659
Posts2,323,615
Members72,372
| |
Most Online9,682
May 13th, 2026
|
|
|
|
