to all that advised radical honesty-
I am now going thru the hell-
I told my H of PA last night-
in 11-03 with OM-
he said he will never touch me-and he
will never feel the same-he wants me to
leave so he does not have to look at me-
my life will never be the same-
I told him I was not myself-I was selfish-
I regret it all-he does not care-
If he does not do something radical,
it will be a miracle.
HONESTY-it is killing me...

peaceandlove.... I know how hard this is for you, and for your husband. Honesty cuts to the bone sometimes and leaves us screaming in agony...

But think of it as a surgeon's knife, not a killing blow. You don't get anaesthesia and for that I am truly sorry... but in the end this is the only thing that will make you whole again.

Give it all some time. For every thing I ever thought was a permanent condition - so far death has been the only one that truly was.

He feels like he was just hit with a train - one that you were driving. So give him some time to heal. He's got to rebuild his whole reality and that will take some time.

Hi peaceandlove...I commend you for being honest with him. I know you dont feel "right" about it now, but in the end you will feel better. All the burden will be lifted from your shoulders.

give him time. right now he is in shock, let him get over the initial shock and dont do anything radical right now. he will settle down. We always do. we, meaning the BS. maybe you could send him here so he doesn't feel so alone and know that he is not the only BS out there. Prayers to you P&L!

P&L - I agree with Mom. As the BS, we know all too well what your BH is going through.

Know that your 'fessing up' will ultimately be that catalyst that just might save your marriage.

Best of luck.
- WHB

course he's ticked off (understatement?).
He's never been through this before. He doesn't know what/why/how it happened and has no idea of what to do.

Give him some time. Be gentle and NO BLAME GAMES!

Send him to this website for education, and perhaps more importantly, support and direction.

Just a thought...

SD

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 01:32 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

thank you thank you thank you...
I need love & support from those of
who know what I am experiencing.
I will make suggestion to H to come
here, when he is ready.
I called friend of his to take him
out tonite to talk.
His anger scares me.
He wanted details of A that
seemed cruel to reveal.
He demanded. I deserve all of this.
I knew it would be devastating...
I will stay close by-
especially tonite-
I want to chat.

Let him know that you do this not to hurt him but to build a better M and ask him what could you do to ammend him.

If he can't take it now what do you think he could take it later ?.

Hang in there.

-rh-

PAL,

yes, keep posting. The people here will do their best to support you. The weekends are slow but hang in there, it is a terrible blow to him and it will take awhile for him to stablize. But, if you hang in there and show him that you care and love him I think he will gradually turn around.

This will take a long time to heal, but it took a long time for your situation to become what it was. If you have a clergyman/woman that you trust and like, you might talk with them. You will need support, and that is why the people that recommended telling are going to support you the best that they can. It is very hard on both sides of the coin at this point.

God Bless,

JL

OK- I am hanging on...
H went on field trip
today with youngest son,
& due back anytime, I
can feel the tension setting
in-will he talk to me or
not-I will be gentle, I
will chat tonite-
thanks again...

PAL! Hang in there! Dont push him to do anything. And dont get angry...remember the A is NOT his fault! Assure him of that. Tell him you love him and you want to work this out...Let him know we are here for both of you when he is redy to talk!

P&L,

You are in a very frightening and painful place. Know that many people are thinking about you and your H and wishing the best for both of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will make suggestion to H to come
here, when he is ready.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't mean to nitpick; I wasn't certain how to read this sentence. Do you mean you will make the suggestion when he is ready? Or you will make the suggestion for him to "come here when he is ready?" I strongly suggest the latter, because you can't judge when he is or isn't ready. Please accept my apology if I misunderstood. I only want your H to receive information as quickly as possible, and the relief that goes with knowing he's not alone in what he's going through.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I called friend of his to take him
out tonite to talk. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But what if your H wants to stay at home and hash this out with you? To have his questions answered? What if he interprets this as you trying to aovoid him?

I can tell you, as a FBS, that although the answers to questions are quite painful, there is far greater pain in the answers we imagine, and in the knowledge that our S won't answer us honestly and truthfully. The content of your honest answers will hurt him, surely - but know this: the act of answering honestly is the single best thing you can do to earn his trust.

peace and love... answer ALL the questions. In ALL the detail that he wants.

This is going to be an awful night, yes. But it is so much better to have one awful night and then move on.

SHOW him the evidence of your words. Review the e-mails, the phone logs, the notes, whatever it is that you have that show that you're laying it all out for him.

He won't believe it, at first... he'll think there's more, that you're hiding the worst from him. It will take weeks or months for him to believe that he knows everything.

But the more you can tell him tonight... the better off you'll be in the end. You have a rough road ahead, but it is a CLEAN road. Trust me on this... it's a much better road than many of us walk.

Hi P&L,

Just wanted to lend my support too.Like was already mentioned,your H is in shock,real shock.This is going to take TIME to sort through,deal with and heal from.He may be telling you he wants you to leave or he wants to leave,give him space but also be there.I felt the same way toward my WH but what I really needed deep down was for him to be there and talk with me,help me through it.Your are his W and the one he shared all his life with and you have now become the "enemy".That is the awful dichotomy,the one person you need to help you through such pain is the one who caused it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hang in there and realize that this is normal for him to go through.Tell him how much you want to try and work on the marriage.Take care of yourself too in the process.This is a big trauma for you both.

O

p&l, you do have a rough road. But you did owe it to your H to be honest. I admire you for telling him. That had to be hard. Your M can be stronger down that road. Good luck.

PAL..just a little advice from a BS. dont hide anything from your H. YOU are much further along than my H is right now and he still hides things from me. maybe not intentially, but he doesn't tell me things out of fear he will hurt me. Dont do that. Tell him all the details...but only if he asks. And when he says that's enough. STOP right then. He may ask again later or the next day. I found somethings were more than I could handle. I did not want to know any sexual details. The more I knew the more it hurt me. And I dont know as much as I should know only because I dont want to know.

Once you get past the hard part...remember to be completely open and honest with him. He WILL NOT trust you for a long, long time. If you say you will call and you dont, he will accuse you. Or at least that is my experience. I am trying to let this go. But I find myself wondering too much.

Make the suggestion for himn to come her.e Ask him if he would like to sit down and read a few posts with you tonight. Together!

pal...my thoughts and prayers are with you. I know how hard that confession is to make and it takes a lot of courage to do it without knowing what the outcome is going to be. You did the right thing, just give him some time to absorb everything. My H was too shocked to even show any emotion. I was border-line nervous breakdown when I told him so he knew that I was beating myself up enough for the both of us.

I'm thinking about you!

pal,

I'm sorry for your pain...been there.
There's a couple of key things you have to keep telling yourself:

1) I love my H and want my marriage
2) I will not die as much as it feels like I will

Now is your chance to be there. DO NOT SHRINK from the heat. Don't run, even if he asks you too. Many BS want to throw the WS out in anger. Be consistent, transparent, and willing to answer his questions.

Know that your life will change because of broken trust. You're going to have to work you a$$ off learning ways to help him know you're in this marriage to stay and to help him feel more secure.

I would expect that you are in for a miserable 2-3 months...just keep telling yourself that you can get through it. He's worth it.

Low