Pal, I just read up on your story! I dont think the danger really lies with OM telling your H, it is your cousin telling your H!

I want to point one thing out about your layover. You TOLD your H about your EA...correct? You TOLD your H who OM was and that you would have a lay over with OM...correct? Why on earth would your H let you go to OM city for a lyayover KNOWING you would be with him?

I am not going to lecture you...BUT, I think deep down your H knew about your PA and by revealing it to him it just puts the truth on what he already knew.

Think back and try to remember how he was acting. You were in such a fog, but your H was probably in such denial and didn't want to believe it. All the signs were there pal, right in front of his face. He just didnt' want to see them. Hang in there! we are here for you! and for him when he is ready!

PAL:

Hey, my friend. I just sent you a personal e-mail. I've been out of town. Still am. Only here now because of you. I am VERY CONCERNED about you and your situation. I don't know what to say about your H finding about your cousin. I mean, what would freak him out more? The OM or the Cousin situation? How does everyone here feel you should deal with that situation? I mean, is THAT too much for any BS to endure? What sorts of questions has H been asking you? How have you answered them? Are you sharing a bed tonight? Is your H the violent type? ANy chance he will hurt you? Please discourage him from trying to ruin OM's life. Look at my situation. I thought I could handle anything in life. I thought I could be a mobster! Nothing ever phased me. But I guess I was wrong. I have been having anxiety attacks lately. My heart starts racing for no reason. I don't want this to happen to you, my friend. IF YOU FEEL any symptoms like this, please go to a doctor.

The human brain is an amazing thing. It does weird things to deal with stressful situations and to preserve itself. I am still confused about some of the things that are happening to me. It's almost like a SCI-FI movie, but I havae almsot forgotten what OW looks like in the last two weeks! My memory is messed up. Maybe this is a good thing. Your H right now is freaked out. A kerjillion thoughts are zooming through his head. He needs to organinze these thoughts. You need to help him. I have been betrayed by ex-girlfriends. Hell! I'm still upset about girls cheating on me when I was in middle school, but I'm still around to laugh about it.

You will be OK. I'm here for you. We all are. I am so sorry that you are going through so much. I don't know what you are going through. The idea of thinking I will, chills me to the bones! Keep up your strength. Smile when you can. Look at the BIG PICTURE. Remind your H that YOU stuck around because you wanted your M to work. Remind him that you hid this from him because you did not want him to be hurt. Beyond that, I have no idea what to say to make HIM feel better. The BS here have that advice. But I am here for you as a friend. You will be OK. You will survive this. We've got a marriage to save. Let's get to work!

D-Day #2 5-8-04
I told my H about cousin. After his rage calmed e talked late into night-thank goodness our kids were gone, we were very honest. I answered all the horrible detailed questions he had. H used a bat to destroy our garage-at first I thought he was shooting a gun, but he said it released his anger.
We have come so far in such a very short time. He is an amazing man-that is why I married him so long ago. It kills me to see how I have hurt him-he said he feels like his manhood has been destroyed. I said I don't blame you-it is a huge blow to his ego-& so embarrased.
Our boys were all here yesterday for moms day-it was great. Before dinner my H said the most beautiful prayer while holding my hand.
As horrible as I thought this could all be-that he would want me to leave, I think-I know our love is strong enough to survive this ordeal. It will take time-I think H is going to go back to therapist we went to for MC.
I am thankful my secret is out-it is in my past-finally I can go on with life & not worry about who might tell. I told-I was honest-I thank God for the strength to live to today.
I am available all day today-keep communicating.
WHITEKNIGHT1-your kindness touches me. you have strength you are not aware of. Give your W some of your strength & tell her of the mistake you made. tell her how much you love her & thank her for saving your life. you will feel such relief.
Please keep in touch-
peace,love, & blessings-pal

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by peaceandlove:
<strong> We have come so far in such a very short time. He is an amazing man-that is why I married him so long ago. It kills me to see how I have hurt him-he said he feels like his manhood has been destroyed. I said I don't blame you-it is a huge blow to his ego-& so embarrased ...... Before dinner my H said the most beautiful prayer while holding my hand.
As horrible as I thought this could all be-that he would want me to leave, I think-I know our love is strong enough to survive this ordeal. It will take time-I think H is going to go back to therapist we went to for MC.
I am thankful my secret is out-it is in my past-finally I can go on with life & not worry about who might tell. I told-I was honest-I thank God for the strength to live to today.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(((PAL)))

This is absolutely terrific. I knew that your H's love for you would prevail over his anger & hurt. Give him time. Let him vent. Love him.

You did the right thing, and I am so glad you don't have to carry those lies around with you any longer. That is a huge burden on yourself. Now's the time to work w/H and rebuild your M.

mrsx <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

PAL,

I beleive you did the correct thing in telling your H all. It took a lot of courage to do this. It is going to take more courage to hang in there with your H while he heals. I think you are going to find that the worst part of that is that you can support him, you can and should love him, you need to be there for him, you need to be honest with him, you need to have patience with him, BUT...you cannot heal him. He will have to endure this and heal on his own.

I think you are already understanding that your H loved you more than you realized. I think you now understand why "radical honesty" is such a powerful tool. But, it is a tool that should be used long before a situation gets to the level it did in your case. I hope that you find peace and that you and your H will heal, learn, and move forward from these events.

God Bless,

JL

PAL:

Hello, my friend. I am back. Got back in town around 3 a.m. I should probably be sleeping. I'm exhausted. Please keep us updated on your progress. I guess in some ways its good that your H beat up the garage and got some of his frustrations out. I would have probably done the same. You and I were in the same situation just a week ago. We did not want our BS to know what we did. What you wrote about this finally being in your past makes complete sense. I look forward to the day when it is in my past too. Maybe ina few more days. The medication I am on has changed me a bit. I know I am talking a bit slower it is affecting my thinking a bit. I am taking 300 mg of Dilantin and 500 mg of Depakote. Until I can get a grasp on how it affects my system, and until the Dr. and I can get a handle on how much I should take, it would not be fair for me to have such a sconversation with my W and you have had with your H. I know that sounds like a lame excuse, but for anyone out there who has ever been heavily medicated and KNEW that they were some how "different" you will know what I mean. There is nothing pleasant about this.

If you get depressed and feel that you need an anti-D, I used to talk wonderfully about LEXIPRO. Now my Doctors think that may have contributed to the brain seizures, so please be careful. Maybe everyone is better of with a natural remedy like KAVA KAVA or ST. JOHNS WORT or somethng of that sort.

Also, does your H plan on saying anything to anyone in your family about you and your A. If so, What does your cousin have to say about that?

soooo good to hear from you!
I am on 150mg Effexor XR. It
seems to be working-I have
taking about 7-8 months- Xanax
to calm down anxieties as needed.
Depakote is a very strong medication.
Do some reading about this-webmd.com
I know your heart is breaking-
your physical health has suffered
from OW- besides your mental state.
I understand about all in good time.
It took me 6 months to confess.
I am not sure what to do about
my cousin-he is in hawaii & having
ex-wife issues-not that I care, but
I am thinking I will just write him,
and say to never be in my H presence.
H demands cousin or OM NEVER be near
him-or he will do something awful.
I am doing whatever H wants at this
point. we have been intimate-that helps
him I know. It certainly helps me.
It is a healing process.
Love is so complicated-yet so simple.
I ask myself why I was so weak-when I
befriended OM, I guess it is not
meant to figure out or understand.
I am back to school next week-not
soon enough for me.
I am going to go to driving range-
& take out my tension-thank you
to you whiteknight-
I am here for you too. pal

PAL:

Sorry for not remembering about your medication. I'm forgetting a lot of stuff in the last two weeks. I even forgot I spoke to my brother the other day! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I'll go re-read posts to refresh my memory. Hey, at least I remembered your cousin! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Yeah, go and take that tension out in a positive way. I am glad classes start again for you soon. Nothing better than getting your mind on something else. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Until then, I am sure you can find plenty to stay busy.

You know, we all like to think our situations are UNIQUE, but I think everyone here will agree that your situation is unique because of your cousin. I mean, having an OM is one thing, but I don't see how you could avoid your cousin the rest of your life, or even how your H can if there are weddings and funerals and the usual stuff. I guess it's not something to bring up with your H now because it does not matter now; but I am sure your H will respect the fact that no one in the family should find out about it, and if your H starts avoiding your cousin, etc. at any important family function, it might seem odd. I don't know. Maybe it's not worth thinking about now, but it did pop into my head and I wonder the best way to handle it.

Is your H planning on coming to MB? Who knows about the A now? Did he tell a lot of his friends and family? How are you dealing with that?

I'm off to IC now. He is fascinated by these seizures. I am going to be sure to ask him for some residuals in case he ever writes a book about me! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'll be around later if you need me. Take it easy. You're going to be fine. XO

<small>[ May 10, 2004, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: whiteknight1 ]</small>

P&L

Congratulations! You have now removed any hold ANYONE could have used to emotionally tie you in knots in the future. You now have a cleared off foundation to build with your husband. The destruction process has been painful, but now the garbage is being hauled away as we write.

Prayers for you and your husband.

God bless!

good morning to all my MB friends-
you are all so supportive-esp: whiteknight-
My H has been a true miracle thru this
mess-I couldn't ask for anything more
than exactly what he is doing. We went
to library yesterday & checked out several
books re: infidelity. The one he picked to
read is Dr Harley book! surviving affair.
We sat last night & both read to each other.
I was reading from Tempted Women-interesting.
we have no more secrets-no more burdens-
I am released from all my anguish-except for
the pain of being unfaithful.
I said about chatting here to him-he agreed.
Hopefully tonite I can help him set-up.
faith-hope-peace-love, ThankYouGod! pal

Peaceandlove, it is good to hear that you have finally and totally come clean with your H, but it is equally gratifying to hear that your H is actively trying to learn as much as he can about affairs. There is so much ignorance out there about the topic of infidelity, especially female infidelity. Hopefully one day soon your H will decide to come to these forums and will realize that he, as well as you, are not alone in your experience and that it is possible to have a much better marriage than the one previous to the A IF both of you practice the MB principles.

God bless both of you.

thank you for the
encouragement.
I love your signature
line-breathtaking.
I am sooo blessed.
My H is working so hard.
he wants me to copy all
the survey/agreements
in Harley book-so we
can fill out. maybe go
for a wkend alone & do.
I am signing him on
soon, hopefully tonite.
pal

pal -

Please have extra consideration for your H right now. It is so hurtful to find out about infidelity. His self-esteem is probably at an all time low.

Congratulations for being truthful. Now your marriage can grow and be better than ever.

my H is signed on. renewingdeeplove
please help him for me.
we are both tired & ready for bed.
Thanks to all! pal

P&L,
You mentioned starting to read Tempted Women. It was written to try to prevent affairs but I think it only gets read after the affair.

I read it so I could understand what wife was thinking at the time. I really helped me.

Mrs X and I had a conversation about it approx a week ago. I posted a summary of the chapters. It really helped the FWWs to see the summary of the chapter on what the OM want from the A.

Congrats on telling H.

Please take my advice and answer all of your H's questions honestly and thoroughly. You'll be tempted to downplay or use a lie of ommission so that you "don't hurt his feelings" or because it's embarrassing to you but in the long run it's much better to completely reveal. The trust and recovery will come faster. Seems counterintuitive but it's not.

cwmac