Haven't posted in sometime.

Long story short:
-Discovered EA (internet) April 2002 (a few weeks before 2nd anniversary)
-Separation came immediately
-WH met OW in person 3 x (he flew to her, she flew to him, etc.)
-He always said they were "just friends"
-WH filed for divorce (I asked for it)
-Divorce final August 15, 2002
-Husband moved out of town (I assumed OW's city, but couldn't prove it)
-I started annulment process immediately after divorce (September 02)
-Annulment confirmed/final Feb 04 (ALOT of painful work involved)

So now here I am. Happy and more importantly, HEALTHY. In a healthy relationship with a great man.

I have stumbled upon information that proves the A was WAY more than I even thought. Almost as though they planned him moving there for quite a while. And they do indeed have a place together and live in another city/state.

It's quite a relief for me. I had always suspected it in a way, but had no proof. And to top it off, there are pics of them on the web (g-rated thank goodness)! And she is not what I expected AT ALL. Quite a bit older (and she looks it) from my XH (14 years maybe) and NOT very attractive. Which really surprised me since he was always "into" how he appeared to everyone else.

Anyway - Has anyone discovered the junk years later? Boy, I wish I would have had some of this info back when we were separated.

Would it have changed the outcome? No, we'd still be divorced. I've come to grips emotionally and spiritually that we were never really "married" to each other. More like roommates. The "S" factor wasn't happening on my end.

I'm a better person for the experience I've had and I'm thankful for all the goodness that surrounds me now.

Would love to hear from anyone.

Thanks,
Llama

I can understand why you want to work this out in your mind. It is part of moving on, putting the pieces of the puzzle together.

My WH has lied so much, I don't know what is true or not true. And after all, it is my life. I just want to sort it all out. I don't feel like there can be any kind of closure.

There are so many things that happened that were strange, and I felt like I was going crazy. We shouldn't dwell in the past, but do need to work through these things.

Hello llama,

I'm still here on the Boards. Just checked in on your post. Though my H and I aren't divorced legally, we might as well be. We sleep in separate rooms, and he continues clandestine contact with the OW. Emotionally, his EA destroyed the "we" who married.

My comment about stumbling upon what you found:
I think it is good that you found what you did. When the WS denies their infidelity, and lies convincingly, and steadily, the BS begins to doubt their oun senses and their sanity. That's the cruelest thing.

I am glad for you that you have this proof. And that you have a real relationship in your life. Stay healthy!

Shortly after I left my stbxH, I found lots of "proof" of things he was up to during our M. It really has helped me to put some closure on everything, specifically to realise that indeed it was always about HIM. For ME, I needed to do the MB route for my healing, it was never going to work to fix our M, b/c he wasn't the least bit interested in owning any of his part of the M and its problems.

In my case, my M was always rocky. My H would always blame me, and tell me that I wasn't making him happy. But when I asked him what I needed to do, he would always tell me, "I don't know". This was before MB of course, and as everyone on here can relate I'm sure, it was extremely frustrating.

It wasn't until after i had left him that i found out about how deep his porn addiction was/is. It even included child pornography!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (which I turned in to the police when I found it). I found those cd's on December 31, 2002.

Six months later, an old neighbour of ours from 3 yrs prior, had moved into the townhouse complex I am now living in with my boys. I had some suspicions about things between them... and so I confronted her. Sure enough... he had sexually molested her. Again, I contacted the authorities.

Since that time, I've been working on my personal recovery. It's been a HUGE relief knowing about those things that were going on during much of our most troubled times in our M, because as was mentioned, it provided me with those puzzle pieces that were missing for so long.

I'm not sure that I would have liked knowing these things back when they were going on. Knowing what I know now... I KNOW for a fact, that I would have been overwhelmed, and would not have known how to deal with everything. I would have been in total denial, and would have stood by my H and continued to protect/enable him throughout the whole exposure. With that in mind, I NEVER would have healed.

I've come to figure that the reason I didn't know those things back then (the babysitter incident was in 1999), is because God knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. And as we've all heard many times before, God only gives us things to deal with that He knows we CAN deal with.

Llama: I'm happy for you that you're finding your closure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That's wonderful news.

Karen

It's such a positive influence to hear so many of you say " In the end" you are a happier person!

I am struggling right now with a H who has moved out for the 6th time and left state living with OW and is engaged.... buying her all sorts of gifts while she left her family/marriage of 19 years and 3 kids.

Please someone tell me, I will find someone else I can trust and someone else who will love me again...

The loneiness is horrible..... I have teenage sons
who work and have lifes, they don't sit around feeling sorry for mom which I would never want them to.....

But I was use to having a partner, having a companion, and having a friend in my husband and now he's gone with OW....

HE would tell me "I don't know what I want" I don't know what to do" and finally the 6th time he has left the house and state, my boys are devasted and haven't spoken to him since which is now 3 weeks., of course he blames me for their not wanting to be bothered with DAD..

I am hoping someday I will find sunshine again in my life! Did any of you attend support groups in your area in order to meet nice guys or companions?

As for knowing facts, I know so many I wish I didn't....I would have rather found out down the road, it's so hard dealing with separation/abandoment emotionally..... then to cope with all the facts at the same time is horrible for all of us...

Glad to hear your life turned out so wonderful, can only hope mine ends that same way. I am told I will come out of this stronger/wiser and much more independent...... I can only pray for all of the above.

Thanks for your replies. It is very relieving to know some of this yucky stuff now. I also found out he had memberships to many porn type websites - YUCK!

I'm so very thankful we didn't have any children. I was in such a bad state at one point, I thought having a baby would make everything better (this was all before I found out about internet affair).

Sometimes now and then I think about my FMIL. We were very close. VERY close. She stayed in VERY limited contact with me for the last two years - "happy thanksgiving" or "merry christmas" emails. We haven't spoken since June 02 when I told XH to go ahead and file for divorce.

Check out my other post under "email from FMIL" for those interesting details....

Anyway, obviously she is mad at me for her son moving out of town. I think our marriage was the only thing that kept him in my city.

People turn really "weird" after divorcing. All of a sudden everything was secretive about what XH was doing, where he was living, etc.. To me that meant one thing and one thing only. He was with the OW. (Although I have a few other names for her - ha ha!!!!!!)

As far as my life now - it's good! I'm happy!

Is my relationship perfect? Heck no. Is that ok? Yes it is. Since we've both been married and hurt before - we are both very sensitive to each others hurts and fears. This, in itself, is worth gold in a new relationship. We've also known each other for a long time. We were in the same circle of friends. I hadn't seen him in years and we reconnected.

He is currently working on his annulment - my marriage was annuled this February (04).

I still come back to MB though. This place was SO VERY helpful to me in my time of crisis.

Sometimes old feelings surface - mainly the "trust" thing. I ALWAYS trusted my XH. I never thought he would have ever cheated - emotionally or physically. And the internet thing to me was just wacko!

My boyfriend works strange hours and in many cases isn't off of work until 1 or 2 am. We have a little thing where we call each other just to "check in". This works well for me. Makes me feel secure and loved.

It amazes me how the "little" things that were SO important to me when I was married, my H wouldn't give to me.

My life now is full of little hugs and kisses. Being held on the couch during tv or movie time. Holding hands when taking a walk. All those "little" things are so BIG with me.

I haven't found it in my heart to forgive my XH. I do pray about it and hope that in time I will be able to. Perhaps in time, he will get his too.

As far as the FMIL goes - read the other post - I really need some feedback on that subject.

Hang in there everyone!

Llama

Oh! The internet porn sites! I forgot about that revelation! My stbxH is a sex addict, and has 1000's of porn pics burned onto cds, various videos, etc. I know that the internet porn industry is booming and a great money maker, b/c of the money they charge.

Anyways... at the early part of April, I met with the crown attorney on the child porn case against the ex, and he came right out and told me how the ex fully admitted to having tons of porn on his computer, including various sites where he pays a subscription to. ICK!

The relevance to that, is that he said that to the police about 1 1/2 months after I had left him. Which likely means that he was subscribing during the time he and I were together... which explains all the more why he downright REFUSED to get rid of our internet (I had suggested it as part of poja'ing during out false recovery; he had a problem with my time on MB, I didn't like his time online in the middle of the night either).

Sorry to babble on about it... but this is good for my continued healing. Another reminder that leaving him when I did was a VERY GOOD thing to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen