Hi All,

I saw many BS that can't hold their anger and can't stop LB'ng. I hope this 5 points could help.

We can't control our WS behavior but we can control ours :

1. Supressed it.
2. Open/Aggressive (LB'ng)
3. Passive/Aggressive (manipulative)
4. Drop it.
5. Assertive. (let WH know w/o LB'ng)

Which one is you reaction when you were dealing with anger 'cause by WS's foggese ? Other than #4 & #5 you are jeprodizing your plan A/B.

-rh-

Ummm.I guess when I see my WH now,I basically do a #1(until alone) or #4 if I can feel the discussion headed toward an LB.But thankfully,I am in Plan B again and have no need to talk with him although he tries.

O

NOt to make light of this but ,,,

aren't all the above correct? I found no matter where I was in the PLAN A or PLAN B thing or the what ever .

I did what felt comfortable at the moment ,, I am human . THATS what makes these PLANS IMpossiable to stick to 100% and we say we sliped .

I get your point to new/and some still in the PLANS but honestly, in all we do all.

When we are just to drained we SUPPRESS , When we may want to make them think something we manipulate like in PLAN B and being dark and avoiding them , LB well they catch us in a bad mood , PMS maybe and just say the STUPEST thing , ya can't help but loose the focuse and LB.

#4 goes with drained or not in the mood for the stupid crap so I drop it ,,, and last well that is only once you found the stablity to understand there stupidity . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am sorry , I'll go now , your right though #4 and 5 are the place to be for healthy reasons , but just wanted to get across this takes much time to perfect . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> that is so sad .

3isacrowd,

I did all of it too. The goal is to reach #5 but there is so much hurt -> anger that BS couldn't see it straight. I post this as a reminder to get there faster <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

-rh-

Good reminders redhat!

Question....

If spouse wants you to never tell him about any (current) problem, and you tell him the #5 way--is that a LB?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingBoundaries:
<strong>If spouse wants you to never tell him about any (current) problem, and you tell him the #5 way--is that a LB? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The assertive way is "I beleive in that we have to address current problem so that could have happy M. If you feel different on this issue let's talk about it". You don't force you point of view on him ... you invite him to discuss it, or even get MC to help you out. Be ready with example of how ignoring issues would prevent for happy M.

Remember LB is the reaction of the recepient to what we do or didn't do ... each person has different reaction to the same situation. You could get away with murder in your SO's eyes if your spouse see it as justified <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . On the other hand, no LB'ng doesn't mean you avoid to upset him at all cost.

-rh-

<small>[ May 07, 2004, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

redhat...

1. Supressed it and i build resentment...
2. Open/Aggressive and he builds resentment...
3. Passive/Aggressive and we both build resentment...
4. Drop it. and i build resentment...
5. Assertive. and he assumes i'm just trying to get my way and he builds resentment...

is there a number six?...

oaktown...

oaktown ...


#4 Drop it won't build resentment, if it does it should be #1. Drop=let it go

#5 Assertive won't build his resentment, you don't ask him to do anything ... you present your feeling, your hurt & your pain ... it is up to him to react to it.

I am hesitatant to put #6 out there ... if you can't control your anger, separation is better.

#6 Kick him out and picth dark plan B'em.

-rh-

redhat...

#4 Drop it won't build resentment, if it does it should be #1. Drop=let it go

it's me... i can drop things... let them go... maybe give up is more accurate... there is no contentment...

#5 Assertive won't build his resentment, you don't ask him to do anything ... you present your feeling, your hurt & your pain ... it is up to him to react to it.

husband is not interested in my feelings... tells me that i'm trying to play the emotional blackmail card...

I am hesitatant to put #6 out there ... if you can't control your anger, separation is better.

#6 Kick him out and picth dark plan B'em.

there's a continent and an ocean separating us... if you ask me the more time we spend apart the less likely we are to make it... plan "c", "e" and "h" are what i think we need... open "c"ommunication of our feeling with the listener having the ability to "e"mpathize while we live in the same "h"ouse... now if i can just convince my husband...

oaktown...

oaktown,

This is the time in your life to seek deep within you ... do a triage or let it go.

Not all M could be saved and not all M should be save.

Take care of yourself and your family and as selfish as WH to protect your self and your kids !.

I wish I could offer more but the decision is yours. Remember not doing anything is a decision too.

I hope you can make it to the next SFBayAreaMBer.

-rh-