I am very annoyed by my WH's various attempts to contact me. My MC stated that my WH thought I would be in pieces and he would have to pick up the pieces. I guess he didn't expect me to be this strong.
My MC stated that she would bet he is going to try even harder to contact me. I think he is finding a reason to stop by. Of course, I am not home ever. It has only been 1 1/2 weeks.
Why won't he stay away? Why does he want to see and talk to me? He wants OW right??

Why won't he stay away? Why does he want to see and talk to me? He wants OW right??
Wrong.
He's in an affair and it messes them up pretty badly because they leave the family and see the ow but they KNOW it is all wrong, even if it feels good.

WS sometimes think they can have both OP and BS - cake-eating.

Amazing audacity (and definitely delusional).

There is a double standard sometimes too: If OP tells WS they have to make a choice WS will pretend it's evidence that OP is a 'good' perosn who supposedlt never intended to break up a marriage/family... But when BS tells WS they have to make a choice, BS is supposedly being 'vindictive' and 'controlling'...

Weird how the WS just ASSumes some sort of right to demand WS remain a part of their life (taken for granted)... while OP gets all sorts of credit and gratitude for what they 'give' WS. (AS IF what OP gives is given with no agenda - HA!)

" He wants OW right?? "

Nooo wrong...

They very seldom really want OW the person...

They want OW the ~feeling~

Seldom do they recognize (early on in the A) that getting this OW ~feeling~ has consequences.

Consequences that are not good.

Your H wants the OW ~feeling~ without the Bad consequences.... like losing his family.

Plan B opens his eyes to the real consequences .... and he's got to be wondering if the OW ~feeling~ is worth all this loss....

Allow him to feel alone and hurt by his choices...

Your H does not want OW ... he wants OW and you.... he does not want to experience the loss associated with his choices.

Pep

Durham,

I think you are doing great in Plan B. It is working!!! He is feeling so guilty. You asked if he want OW. I'm not so sure if he does. I think PB is right when she says that he wants the OW ~feeling~, but maybe not necessarily the OW.

May I ask if this is your first baby together? Does he have any other children by any other women? A friend once told me that her H started acting very strange when she was pregnant, almost like he was afraid of the responsibility and it certainly meant that he had to GROW UP as a man and be responsible for this child. Could it be that your husband has similar feelings. My friend's H eventually came around and he is a very proud father of an eight year old boy now.

Please stay in Plan B. I think you are doing terrific. It must be so hard to be alone and pregnant and having to deal with all of this crap, but you are one heck of a woman, durham and I think it will all work fine for YOU - no matter what happens.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong> I am very annoyed by my WH's various attempts to contact me. My MC stated that my WH thought I would be in pieces and he would have to pick up the pieces. I guess he didn't expect me to be this strong.
My MC stated that she would bet he is going to try even harder to contact me. I think he is finding a reason to stop by. Of course, I am not home ever. It has only been 1 1/2 weeks.
Why won't he stay away? Why does he want to see and talk to me? He wants OW right?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Pep said it best. Paraphrasing here - He doesn't love the OW, he loves the way she makes him feel.

WAT's word origins:

dopamine

dop = dope

a = singular; #1

mine = mine (As a three year old would say, "MINE, MINE, MINE!! WHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!)

<small>[ May 07, 2004, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

This will be the first child for both of us. He started the A while I was pregnant. I don't think he is scared of the resposibility. He did though start pulling away from me for the first time during my pregnancy. Everything was going great before I was pregnant. I lost my first one and after that he treated me like I had a disease.

sweetie -

Who knows why they do these things. I think when BS is PG, they worry about the pregnancy. And since you lost one baby, he is probably worrying about thatl

I think your WH is wondering WHY you are doing so well without him...He is wondering HOW you can be such a strong person with all that you are going thru. he sees the independence you are having and he doesn't like that.

I just had this conversation with my H tonight. I asked him how he felt when I "NEED" him. When I want him to protect me..his answer was it makes him feel good but that is his "JOB"...so I said "well, what if we were to get the BIG D" and he said "well, it will always be my job to protect you and take care of you..you are always going to be MINE"

WHAT!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

you see, they never make sense as far as I am confused. My H is still in FOGESE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I took it one step further and asked him if he thought we would end up Divorced and he said "No, I dont THINK so...but we must get that R back, I cant live that way forever"...well, it goes both ways dear!

hang in there Durham...your Plan B is working like a charm!

d76

I swear Pep has a little book with all of the answers in it.
H

Since H is still trying to contact you, that your plan B is working to have him relaize the value of his love for you. I am studying Cloud and Townsend Boundaries, and they speak of the pain of personal growth. Your husband should be experiencing the pain of personal growth, and realizing the value of love as a commitment, rather than as a feeling.

Your being annoyed is a discomfort that is part of helping H to grow. Your discomfort is helping H to grow, and is not intended to cause needless pain for H.

Have you thought more about your cats? It was not discussed that if you change the cat litter, you might consider wearing a breathing mask also, because dust is often released during cleaning or changing cat litter.

A problem with cats and a newborn, not mentioned in the article on stool infections, is that the newborn does not have the strength to push the cat away, and it has happened that a cat has hopped into a crib with a newborn, and gone to sleep, and smothered the newborn. You may wish to make plans to keep the cats out of the nursery, at least until you son is strong enough to turn over or push a cat away.

If H was disappointed by a prior miscarriage, there may be some fear of another miscarriage, and a second disappointment. Something to consider for recovery.

If H were to say now, that he has given up on OW, what would you need to see, in addition, for you to feel comfortable to resume your marriage?

Blessings

<small>[ May 08, 2004, 08:29 AM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

Durham -

Stick with your Plan B. Don't give in, otherwise WH will realize you will put up with his cake eating behavior.

Also just a tip - I learned the hard way not to listen to what he says. Instead watch his actions. Mine came around many times and told me OW was out of the picture. Well guess what, she is still around.

Stick with us and we will help you through this. Then we will have a marriagebuilders baby!

it has happened that a cat has hopped into a crib with a newborn, and gone to sleep, and smothered the newborn
FYI:
Given the number of families with babies & cats, yes, it probably has happened.
However, these is a MUCH better chance of flying to the moon and winning the moon based lottery than a cat smothering a baby.
According to the Humane Society of the United States, there has never been a documented case of a cat smothering an infant.

But yes, it is probably a good idea to keep the cat out of the nursery when you are not around because of cat poopy & such.

Oh, don't worry about kitties. Mine was awfully curious about the baby. I made she he "explored" the baby while I was present. Ultimately, cat found baby smell repellent and backed off.