Hi all~ Haven't really looked at alot of posts, just had some general questions and wanted some insight. I'm in a fairly new relationship (about 5 months) although we were good friends for almost a year and a half before we started dating. Everything has been great and I could't be happier. However, I feel as though I may jeopardize the best thing that has happened to me because I have been hurt badly in the past, and now have a differrent outlook on relationships. Before I was happy at the thought of marriage and love and a life with the person you love, but recently I've had a more negative outlook. I feel as though many of my male friends/aqaintances cheat on their wives, and that many men do not want to get married in the first place. I always thought that if it was the right person, life was perfect. Now I am not so sure. Please, some insight into the male mind!

<small>[ May 07, 2004, 10:03 PM: Message edited by: sailor1 ]</small>

sailor1 I used to be in the Navy and I also saw alot of married sailors do what you are talking about. Some didn't though. Some remained truly faithful to thier W. It's a harder situation for military due to the fact that needs might not get met for six months at a time due to deployments. I wish I had some good advice to give, but with all the cheating I saw going on while in the Navy Sailors and thier spouses I vowed that I would not get married while in the Navy. I had a friend on the ship who's W was out at the bar and found out that her H had an affair and wanted to use me as a revenge affair. Needless to say I ran out of the bar as fast as I could. I'm not saying don't get married I'm just saying it's harder in that situation. More people will post to you it's a little slow on the weekends. You might want to think about premarriage counseling.

I worked at a naval base, and saw exactly what you are talking about, but I'm not in the military. My name implies that I race sailboats. Sorry for the confusion, but thanks for your input. I guess I'll try to keep the faith that when it's right, I'll know. I don't even think my SO is thinking about marriage, but I'm still worried about when the time does come formarriage, that I'll still have these negative thoughts.

Life is not perfect. No person is going to make life perfect. Parents die, kids get sick, jobs don't turn out the way you want...M is about finding someone to share life with, not about finding someone to make your life perfect.

I buried my mother three weeks ago. She had a miserable marriage. I don't know why the M was bad, I'll never know. But, I do know that my M, for everything that my W and I have been through, is 1000 times better.

No one can predict the future...but, I look at all the pain and I look at the wonderful things we've done...going out for dinner and movie with only $8.00 in our pockets, making love in a Holiday Inn swimming pool, the birth of my children, laughing until we cried so many times, and planning all the things we are going to do...It pretty much has been a blast.

I'm afraid that the old cliches is true:

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

<small>[ May 07, 2004, 10:47 PM: Message edited by: Jimmy Mac ]</small>

Thank you, and I guess the cliche is right because "what doesn't kill makes you stronger" is also true. So do I just take each day as it comes and not worry about the future and believe that whatever happens is suppsoed to? How do I try to have a positive attitude so my SO will not become discouraged at my negativity/trust issues towards marriage?

sailor...

your marriage..

YOUR MARRIAGE should be and is a direct product of what you make it to be...

it is not something that exists out there...that is on it's own...

we make life way more complicated than it really is...

marriage is the opportunity to celebrate the existance of another person every day of your life....

you have to learn how not to hurt people in your present for something in the past...
you can't change the past...
and it's not fair to hold the innocent accountable for past things....

your marriage...YOUR marriage...has nothing to do with other peoples marriage that are unfaithful....

why do you need insight in to the male...when it is you that is jeopardizing the relationship...

ark

Ark- I asked for insight into the male mind because I suppose that's what put me into this mindset in the first place. But after seeing your post, maybe I just need to learn to let go of the past and focus on me and my current relationship. My problem is that I worry about evrything all the time, even the things out of my control. Thank you for your comments, everyone has been very helpful.

the other thing is that people are soooo crisis oriented these days...

if our mouths are moving..chances are we are complaining about something...or someone... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

that's part of making life harder than it is...

we are so blessed on this earth...and yet we only see the negative...
we have more than any other generation...and are full of hope to only pass more on to the next generation...

if you have found a guy that you like...really like...

learn to appreciate him..
learn to see him as child of God....
deserving of serenity...and peace...
(not mushy beatnik peace) but peace from the real chaos....

Dr. Phil describes marriage as being a soft place for him or her to fall....

I love that image...

ARK

<small>[ May 07, 2004, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Ark~ Thank you so much for your insight. It seems as if I have lost sight of what is truly important- the fact that I have this wonderful man in my life- it's that simple-and that wonderful. Thank you so much. Anything else, anyone, please don't hesitate to jump in!

This is wisdom, courtesy of ark, by the way: "YOUR MARRIAGE should be and is a direct product of what you make it to be. It is not something that exists out there...that is on it's own."

I have a friend who had a horrible 1st M. When she married again, she went to every marriage retreat in the world and read every book on M. Guess what? She has a pretty good (not perfect) M.

Worrying about M is normal. What are you doing about it? Are you planning to go a couples retreat with him? Are you going to read the stuff on this site about negotiating in M? Are you going to read some books about it? Are you going to sit down and ask yourself, "What went wrong in the other relationships and why? What can I do to make this one better?"

Well, sailor1, I race sailboats as well and I'm a male.

Despite these "qualifications" on the surface, I have to declare that not all sailors and males are alike.

I like the risk and thrill of a port tack start - even if the line is square, dip a few hulls and take yer chances for a lift - but, in contrast, I have been fiercely loyal to my ladies, taking NO chances, but to no avail until recently.

You're gonna have to be a bit more specific before I can offer any advice. Age, relationship history, prior relationships, goals, sail area, draft, pointing ability, etc.