I have been in plan A. WH moved out upon A coming to light. Gradually we have been improving our communication I consider greatly. But up until now I did not know who the OW was but got a confirmation (from friend) that the OW is was a secretary at work.
I'm pissed presently and need to get some focus. I want to tell him the next time I see him and yet I still don't know where she lives and so I want more info.
Someone speak some common sense to me. I'm wanting to explode.

what would you gain at this time by telling him you know who it is...

why not keep it quiet...
now that you have the name...you can find out more....

if plan a is working...keep on that path...in true recovery he should reveal this information to you...

gather what you want...
but don't tell him yet...

ark

Listen to ark. She knows that of which she speaks......

Plan A is all about demonstrating change to the WS. What kind of 'change' would you be demonstrating if you bombard him with the identity of the OW? Does it really make a difference WHO it is?? Doesn't the infidelity cut just as deeply regardless?

Continue with your plan A, and show him what he's missing.

- WHB

UGH-h-h.
I spent my time searching for information on OW and her husband. I'm so frustrated.
WH told me that she was married and getting a divorce in just a few weeks. (few weeks has already passed)
With new information I was able to get info on their divorce and it was not filed until yesterday. AND it was filed by the OW's husband not her.

Okay, ya'll are right. I went back over my journal in which I have been documenting all the progress we've had recently. You are right I don't want to mess that up I need to stay in Plan A.
I will seek further info for my own satisfaction.
and keep my trap shut.
I want my marriage to work and will not risk it by bringing in negative thoughts.

Should I seek out OW's hubby for info? or is that just too stupid.
I have this feeling WS is being had by con artist.
Not taking anything away from his own stupidity of the A. But I've got this gut feeling he is being suckered for something else then just an A.

My mantra tonight is stay in plan a, stay in plan a, stay in plan a.

whitefeather, you do need to contact her H and find out whats going on. He might be a great help in all this. I would tell him what you know and find out what he knows about the affair. I would also ask him if he wants to save his marriage and send him to this forum so we can help him.

Yep, I'm with Melody, stay in Plan A and contact OW's H.

P.S. you did REAL GOOD digging this information up! Just keep digging!

Oh gosh, I have done more research. Found the other womans home. Found out that OW divorce was filed by OWH and not her and that it was just this past week . . . not what WH thought a while back.

I paid for some search info and got that she was married before, has had judgements against her and a civil suit also that was dropped.

I see scam artist all of this.

My WH has got this HUGE heart and has throughout our lives given to many people that were in need. On occasion I have had to point out to him that he is being used, he doesn't generally see this until way past the normal person would see.
Friends and family know he has a huge heart but poor judgement.

I'm freaking here. I want to protect and I don't want to blow it.

Advice? am I still supposed to keep my mouth shut?

I wouldn't say anything to your H, but I would get ahold of her H and make him your allie.

Help!
I have had an extremely long talk with the OW husband. He was very kind to speak with me for quit some time. And of course, I was able to clarify some of his questions. He has filed for divorce and sees no saving his marriage but was very forthright and understanding to attempt to provide info to assist me and saving our marriage.

Problem is I have info that pretty well confirms the woman is a mental case and is using him. She has a history of dating married men. History of acquiring financial assistance. And my hubby is just the type to want to be the night in shining armor. That sounds wicked but I'm afraid for him and us.

What do I do with this info. Do I tell him? do I discuss my concerns . . . geez, I'm freaking here.

bump

Thats pretty dangerous ground because it can blow up your face and push him to DEFEND the OW. If it were me, I might just lay out the facts to him, telling him you are concerned about him, and then back off. If you push this too hard, or bring it up again, you will push him towards her.

Yes, I can picture him being very mad from my getting into HIS business.

Although I believe I have every right to know what is truth and what is lies when it comes to my marriage.

But must admit I just have this feeling of laying all the cards out on the table. To get the facts out. But who knows, maybe she has told him all about her money problems and relationships. Nah, I doubt it.

And yet, I can see other than shock value it has no value in telling him.
I will TRY to continue to keep this in plan A.

I'm not sure which way is worst. Not knowing anything or knowing something and wanting to save WH from being hurt.

whitefeather, it is keeping with Plan A to tell him, there is no issue there. You don't avoid unpleasantness just because you are in Plan A, that is not what PA means. But I think you should tell him this just so it plants a seed with him and so he is aware.

However, just be careful in how you say it - just be FACTUAL - and then back off after you have told him so he is not defensive. But I do think you should tell him after thinking about it longer.

I had misread your suggestion from earlier post. I thought you suggested to not tell.
But now understand what you said. I'm so muddy in my thinking.

So you are saying it would be correct to tell him my concerns. Not weigh in on so much how I got information but that information has come to light and it CONCERNS me terribly that he is getting used. Stick to the facts, don't go into detail.

He will want to know how I obtained info. Should I tell or just say that it is unimportant?

Hi WhiteFeather,

I can tell you that I told my then-H about OWs' very checkered history (scamming State Disability, Welfare, involvement with many married men, drugs, several arrests, voilence, bar fly, etc.) My then-H also had the white knight syndrome.

His verbal response was "it doesn't matter" and his actions were in her(s) defense.

It seems that this WKS [white knight syndrome] is, of course, all about them. Meaning, they need to be admired and needed, and with OW having so many problems it was very easy to save her, and she in turn admired him greatly for it, or pretended to.

As Melody has advised, if you bring it up just state the facts, don't slam her, don't use belittling adjectives, and try not to act superior in any way when telling him. Believe me, it WILL backfire.

When the affair is going full force the two involved are in a "us against the world" state, you don't want to add fuel to that scenario.

Best,
Jo

<small>[ May 08, 2004, 10:00 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Have you wished you never told him?

No, I don't regret it.

When they're [WS] in this FOG, they may hear what you're saying, but they aren't really listening. They aren't themselves, they're addicted to the OW. It's like telling an alcoholic they're going to crash their car if they drive drunk.

But because we were married, and because my then-H was starting to invest OUR money into one of her schemes, I had to say something. And I was counseling with Steve Harley at the time, so it was under his advisement.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is, just remain factual with your info to him hon. Don't come off superior in any way. And don't embelish her unstableness.

If you have solid evidence, give it to him when you tell him.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ May 08, 2004, 10:07 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

thanks for your thoughts. Good to be reminded that he is in a fog . . . and what that is like.

I just have this fear this is a turning point for us that I'm going to regret.
But if there is any chance that I can protect him in anyway I want to . . .even to the extent that it might throw us off course (hopefully not entirely)

I'm so drained from this OW info, I'm not in a state to talk to him anyway. I have no fight in me to think positively.

My in-laws that love me dearly told me tonight they thought I should seek a lawyer. That just really hurt. They want me to protect myself and are ashamed of their son. I found myself defending him. But it was as if they think I should throw in the towel. I can't bear the thought of not fighting for my marriage (even if presently I am empty inside)

WhiteFeather,

Don't be discouraged by what your in-laws tell you. Most ppl that haven't experienced infidelity, or don't know about MB principles, will give you the "throw in the towel" speech.

And the reason that I ended up divorced is my situation was VERY severe, VERY. My ex-H fathered two OC with two OW during our marriage, so unfortuntely I know way more than I ever wanted to regarding adultery and hence MB principles. Steve Harley basically saved my sanity and my life. I don't know how I would have gotten thru so much CRAP.

You should follow the plans, and from everything that I've read of your story, your H is right on course and is following the affair script.

Do not give up hope. Mainly your job right now is to take care of yourself and follow the plans as best you can. Believe me when I tell you that your situtation is far from over. In my 4 years on this board I've seen countless success stories. You've found the right place for the situation you're faced with.

Stay strong, keep posting, and love yourself.

Jo