I am taking the blame for my boys not talking to their father since he has left on 4/21. They watched their dad come and go like a revoling door and finally he left and has since just tonite asked for divorce.

I get e-mail or phone message daily saying" He tired of me coming between him and his son's" My guys are 18 and 16 realize what's up and have chosen not to be a part of his life anymore.

They are both so very hurt., he walked out on all of us, he leaves them messages saying he only walked out on MOM not them, it has nothing to do with them? Okay, I'm confused.......

My guys seem to think he walked out on all of us, not just me, he states they should not feel sorry for me and should just get on with their lives,
not to feel sorry for themselves and just suck it all up and be men not girls.....

He leave messages such as this then blames me for their not answering or returning the call.

This man walked out on his family for OW left state and is spending all sorts of money on her, he's even bought her an engagement ring of 1 carat and is still married and so is she, but they are engaged...... now my guys shouldn't be upset over this behavior......

What values is he teaching them? Thats not how they were raised! I am so very confused I could cry......

Has anyone experienced this type of behavior with H before..... It's like he screwed up but it's all of our faults.....

Any help would be appreciated...

angel...
turn you answering machine off....

why are you confused...

this is the exact behavior when someone is so filled with self loathing that they have to lash out at others....

IF his affair was really the paradise that he wants it to be...
then he would not be behaving this way...

do not engage in this insane banter
do not re-buttal...
babble back to his babble....

keep communiction way way open with you and the boys.....

what plan are you in....

ark

This is his problem, not yours. I would just be the best mother you can for them. Poor boys.

Ark,

I am attempting to be in Plan B, no communiction but it's been a struggle, I receive e-mails no calls, he hardly even talks to me and doesn't respond to phone messages.

He leaves messages for guys all the time talking about the great life he has, buying all kinds of new things and is now buying a boat and car for OW along with being engaged to her while still married to me.

Doesn't sound like a man who wants his family back EVER, sounds like he is moving forward with a bang.

I found out OW calls home bragging about all the things he's buying her and doing, along with big ring, her husband is devasted and would take her back immediately. She is using my H and he is to stupid to see this....

I refuse to take the blame for the son's not wanting their dad, he walked out on his family,
not just me., he insists he just walked out on me.

Help me with this one please

Angel

My Wh has very similar behavior as yours. I am very painful and don't knwo what to do.

But be the best MOM. Happy Mother's day, even it is tomorrow.

Hi Angel,

I think it's harder on us to see and deal with the effects on our kids, especially our sons, than it is to deal with the effects on us.

I can tell you what I did, but I also have to tell you that to this day it has not gotten through to my FWH. However, my boys have learned a lot about taking care of themselves and protecting themselves while at the same time loving their father because he is their father. I support them however they need me to.

You said:
"He leaves messages for guys all the time talking about the great life he has, buying all kinds of new things and is now buying a boat and car for OW along with being engaged to her while still married to me."

Maybe an email telling WH how this makes his sons feel and asking him not to leave those kinds of messages so that there will be a chance that his sons will have contact with him? Maybe find out what kind of message your sons want, or guess yourself, and inform WH and ask him to leave those kinds of messages?

You said:
"I refuse to take the blame for the son's not wanting their dad, he walked out on his family,
not just me., he insists he just walked out on me."

Maybe tell WH in an email that your sons feel that he walked out on them too? Maybe ask him what he will do to disprove that?

Do this through email and save every one of them so that you have a record of what you have done to encourage a relationship with the kids and what WH had done or not. You never know why WSs say the things they do, especially if they're not true, and it's best to protect yourself and your sons from WH being able to twist it in the future. Keep the emails.

Your WH might never come around, but your sons can be ok even if he doesn't. If they have a favorite uncle, male teacher, coach, neighbor, etc that they can spend time with on an ongoing basis that will help too. It doesn't have to be anything major, just basic contact on an ongoing basis seems to help a lot.

Take care

My boys have no one other then their dad, no uncles or close male friends to speak of.....

I have encouraged my WH to not leave such messages
for them, he doesn't seem to understand.. I think he likes telling them how wonderful his life is along with all the fun he is having....
I feel so bad for my boys ages 18 & 16.

Now is the time father and son's can really bond and learn to appreciate one another and instead they are learning to cope with a situation they are not ready for nor prepared for..... THey see their future without him in it.

His most recent message was " I don't care if they don't contact me, it's their loss not mine" and "they have no CLUE what the future holds" and they better wise up now and quick feeling sorry for mom and themselves" What kind of a person leaves such horrible messages and then blames me for them not wanting him....

I can't understand how WH and OW don't see all the families they are hurting, her 3 children and devasted husband and our two boys plus myself....
How do they sleep at nite? How do they function and feel good about a new relationship when they have hurt so many people close to them.

I have tried many times to explain just a simple
"I miss you and love you" message would be perfect but he starts out with that and ends up yelling about acting like girls and being sissy's and protecting mom and feeling sorry for mom., he just goes crazy.....

I want my boys to love their dad he is dad and will always be dad.....but I can't force teenagers to do something which is against their principals and right now they see him as being completly "disrespectful" to us and them - having no "Morals" and breaking up two families with lots of devastation.

Anymore ideas would be helpful

Dear lostnhurt

IS your husband still living in the house with you?

Mine came in and out 5 times until the 6th time he left and moved out of state in order to run...

My boys have watched this behavior which is part of the domino effect of what they feel, but he can't see that, it's easier to blame me.

What are you doing to survive?

Hi Angel,

You asked:
"What kind of a person leaves such horrible messages"

Someone who is lost, very very lost.

You said:
"I want my boys to love their dad he is dad and will always be dad.....but I can't force teenagers to do something which is against their principals and right now they see him as being completly "disrespectful" to us and them - having no "Morals" and breaking up two families with lots of devastation."

Forcing your sons to do something that is against their principles would be disrespectful to them. You can encourage them to set their own boundaries and support them in maintaining those boundaries while making it clear that you will not support them doing it in disrespectful ways--because they are better than that, even if right now their father isn't. You can teach them how to do it in ways that respect themselves and their father.

Angel, so far MB has not saved my marriage but everything MB has taught me has helped to save my sons in many ways and from many things. The road has been long, and they are 19 and 16 now. They are decent, caring, terrific young men, and very good sons to both their father and me. Their father is still a selfish [censored] (their words).

Take care Angel--it gets better when WE do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I can not and will not force my boys to call/talk to their dad if it's against their principals.

I feel as if "He made his bed now lie in it" why should I save his A$$$... he hasn't done anything to help me or show me he cares....

I do however, want my boys to continue to have a father, I don't want them to lose that, it's all the family we have is each other and it's killing me and the boys that their father walked away from us like this.

I will support them and help them, but will not talk them into calling him or talking to him no matter how much he blames me for this behavior.

If he cared so much about family, then why did he walk away from it.

Teenagers have a mind of their own and right now they are extremely hurt and can't comprehend why, how, were and what their future will be like.

My Husband's last comment in e-mail was: It's there loss not mine, and they don't know what their future is going to be and they better wise up fast..... does that mean he intends upon trying to take everything from us and leave us financially ruined.... or does it mean they will be missing out on having a dad?

I think I am dealing with enough right now, and don't want to take on anymore in order to make him feel better.