I have been lurking quite a while - it's nice to finally introduce myself... I hope to make this my home for a little while. (Well, I hope I don't need to - but you know what I mean, I think...)

I have been with my husband for 10 years. He has always been very responsible and respectable and in general, a great man. We have gotten along fabulously all of these years with just a couple of major disagreements over the years. In Feb he went away for some work training. March 11 he started an affair while out of town... he spent three weeks with this woman and came home and told me he was leaving - he's madly in love with her and she is going to make his life complete. (Actually - his first story was that he was leaving because he was so unhappy and he swore up and down that there was no OW - till I found her # and called her) She lives about 3000 miles away. At first the plan was that he would ditch me and the kids and go to her. Now the plan is for her to come here with her 16 year old behavior problem son whom my husband has never met. WH intends to put my kids in this situation where there visitation times will be shared with complete and total strangers, not just strangers to the kids - but to their Dad as well. UGH For the past month, there has been no waivering in his decision. Completely refuses to even think about saving this marriage.

FYI - this is all going on during the most challenging time our family has ever had to face. Our beautiful daughter - just turned 10 - just had her 5th surgery (5th since Oct) on a bum kidney. She will have a minor surgery on June 7 and this is our last resort to save the kidney. I got him to agree to stay through the last surgery - but what kind of a Dad or OW would even consider something like this at a time like this??? Why would I ask? This whole thing is so insane from beginning to end.

Anyways - the OW screwed up big time this week by showing just how psycho she is and it upset my H very badly. He was crying and scared and ready to be done with her and then... POOF! One conversation with her and he's back to thinking that she is a goddess. He still tells me that he is "on the fence" he is questioning his judgement just a little.

So I guess I'm asking... where should I be? What am I supposed to be doing? Before this "on the fence" thing, I told him that he needed to move out by June 1st. I've been dealing with this too long and it is just consuming me. I need to have something left for my kids and I feel like I'm losing it completely. But now that he is questioning himself - I don't know if having him leave is the right thing. I feel more relaxed knowing he at least has some sense left in his head. Honestly, I believe this is a MLC. He has messed up at work - can't stand it there any more and is putting in for a new job. He's really not happy with any part of his life right now.


I'm glad you all are here. I have been reading this board quite a bit, but haven't gotten around to posting till now. Reading has helped me know that I am definitely not alone.

Thanks everyone.

bummedwife - Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

Please don't put him out just yet. I know it is terrible painful, but try not to take in personally. Your WH is doing and saying all of the typical WS things.

Next he will be saying she is his soulmate. Yuck. Pretend that the real husband has been abducted by aliens, and they left the WH in your house.

Read all about Plan A here. That is the best place to start. Then you have the best chance of saving your marriage.

Sorry about your D's kidney problem. I just went through that with new grandson. He was diagnosed inutero with only one kidney that works. He will have to have the other one removed in about a year.

Oftentimes a family crisis precedes the affair. I know it is awful timing on his part, but is part of the sickness.

Keep reading and posting here, and lean on us. We will help you through this.

BW

There was so much I didn't understand about the MB concepts and affairs in general. I have to tell you the first thing you should do is get a copy of Surviving an affair, by Willard Harley. Read it and reread it. Until you do, you won't understand much about affairs at all.

If you already have read it, then use the plans. I hope you can do them better than I, LOL. Another good book is Torn Asunder, but read it after SAA as it has nothing to do with MB concepts it is more a personal journey book within an affair. Good Luck and keep posting. Call out to some of the experts, like ARK or PEP if you are having a really bad time. They are such a gift to this board there are many others also you will learn who they are. I honestly believe that without this board I would be in the nuthouse.

Not to mention I have made some ever lasting long life friends all the way across the world that I would never, ever live without and she feels the same way. We support each other in every aspect of life now from kids to WH's.

Keep posting and praying!

HINY

BW, I am sorry you are here, but you are in the right place to help you ge thru this. your H is acting just right as far as WH handbook guidelines go! he is saying all the right things according to the handbook. Pretty soon he will tell you he loves you but is not IN LOVE with you! That is the classic.

I agree to get the SAA book and read it over and over again. The MB concepts will work it you use them correctly. You should be in a Plan A right now. From what you say OW is starting to show her true colors.

You need to look at this A as an addiction. Your H is addicted to the OW. Just as a drug addict is addicted to crack. If he wants to end the A, then any contact will set him back into the addiction. Right now your H is doing what we call Fog talk. There is a post on here all about Fogese talk. You will here it all eventually. Ask all your questions and they will soon be answered.

BW,

I'm new here since April, I found this website after 4 months finding out about the A and a month after he left. I found this website very helpful and supportive. Its comforting to know that other people know the pain you are going through.

I thought I had a wonderful marriage, we never had a major fight in fourteen years, we were always capable of sitting down and working out our problems like adults. Always love and respect him.

The married OW was trying to get into our lives for years. I just never thought my H would stray.

I believe our problem was I worked too many hours, to help pay the bills since my H lost his job in 2002. I helped him start a business we co-owned. So I really worked three jobs, not including household chores.

He stop believing in himself and didn't want to take any responsibility. (finacially or for our marriage) The OW knew this and went for the kill. She was so malipulative, her H filed for divorce when he find out about the A.

The only problem is when he did live at home I didn't know about Plan A. I though since we had the ability to talk things out, I always talked about the A, thinking he would know I was okay and he can talk to me about anything. Boy, was a wrong.

When he left he said the OW was out of our lives and its time to work on ourselves. Plus, he said it was hard to be with me since I was crying and depress and he was the reason. A few weeks later, ran into WH shopping with OW.

So, if he still living a home you chances are better. Once they leave the OW will have more control until the fog lifts.

Keep your chin up, Keep a smile on your face. Keep believing in your marriage and keep posting here.

Thank you for your replies. I just ordered SAA and LB. I hope they get here quick because I am not managing very well on my own. My mood swings are absolutely ridiculous. I was fine for like 2 days... able to be calm and somewhat happy. Then, yesterday I found out how far the news of this affair is travelling and I was just completely humiliated and couldn't seem to control my anger at all. Word getting out about the affair wouldn't be so bad... but that's not what I'm hearing. You know... all the crap that the WS spews out about the "real" reasons for getting a divorce - that he is tired of "walking on eggshells" around me - this marriage was never very special, he's been unhappy for a long time - it really doesn't have much to do with the fact that he's been popping OW or anything. Even though HE TOLD ME that we would not be facing divorce if he hadn't met OW. We were planning to renew our vows for our 10th and planning a second honeymoon right up until a week before he met her.

Well, anyways - I heard all of that and lost it. WH and I had some intense discussions. I told him some details from phone conversations that OW and I have had. He was pretty upset with her. He knows that I am a very honest person and though he wanted to believe that she is too (DUH?) he is now seeing that maybe he isn't miraculously the one person that she would never lie to. We talked a bit and then I announced that I thought it was time for OWs SO to hear the truth. So I called him and told him. He was very sweet about the whole thing and took time to comfort ME and thank me for letting him know. Of course, this opened up a whole new can of worms and OW started calling my house (previously she had only called me cell phone - our home # is unlisted) Wanna know what this wacko said?? She asked me if I was finished disrupting her life!!! LOL Yes, how dare I make her have sex with my husband and entice him to leave our family for her. How rude of me to make her betray her SO and turn his life upside-down. What must I have been thinking to cause all of this disruption. Silly me. I'll have to work on my destructive habits.

Ugh. So I have already changed my cell # and now we will probably have to change our home # too. The last thing I need right now is for her to call and speak to one of our kids. That would really throw me over the edge. This chic is psycho.

I'm sorry - I guess I needed to vent a little!

Can I get a brief interpretation of what Plan A is to some of you? I have read what there is to read about it on the site - but I'd love to know how it is adapted to different situations. My WH is not all that receptive. I have been hearing ILYBINILWY for about 5 weeks now. He is totally convinced that he hasn't been in love with me for "quite some time" although all evidence WAS to the contrary. Now he's doing everything possible to prove that it is true (to me and to himself)

ALL suggestions welcome!!

Thanks again,
bummed

Happy Mom’s day BW. Your situation sounds somewhat similar to mine. I’m amazed at the common traits the WS exhibit and the things they say. Reading here does help with a sense of community and offers some great advice. I feel like I’m grasping at straws, but I will also work towards reconciliation despite what my now “alien” wife says and does.

Plan A is fairly well described under the “Just found out” forum in the “General welcome to all new builders” thread. The “notable posts” in there also has a wealth of info including “Wat’s quick start guidelines for betrayed spouses”.

As I understand it, Plan A is identifying the aspects of the relationship that the BS is responsible for that has led to an environment where an affair became an option. The BS also identifies the EN the WS requires to feel that the relationship is fulfilling and viable alternative to the affair. The BS then changes those dynamics and EN’s and does not miss an opportunity to display the positive changes the BS has mastered and fulfill the EN’s the WS desires. It feels like one is a doormat, but boundaries should be set and asserted in a positive manner. Exposure can also be included during the Plan A, but is a separate aspect and requires its own discussion.

Also, the tendency is to argue, reason and yell at the WS. These can be termed LB’s and are to be avoided. The rule of thumb is that one cannot separate the two, they will have to do that on there own. They are self medicating the deficiencies in their world with an affair. The medication becomes toxic over time and the marriage will be remembered as a soft fuzzy place to return to if a Plan A is done correctly.

I’m still learning, and have only 2 weeks until my WW moves into her own house. Then I’ll bee figuring out how to master a plan B with 2 small children and their mom who has bought a house less than 200 meters away! I feel like I’ve been transported into some cheap drugstore paperback. Good luck to you.

You are perfectly normal. There will be lots of ups and downs. They all "rewrite" the history of the marriage, just part of the script. They do it so they don't feel so guilty.

Plan A is to show H what a good marriage you could have. It includes no arguing, no angry outbursts, no disrespectful judgements. You need to be calm. Of course that is difficult under the circumstances, so come here to vent.

Also you can start filling his emotional needs - there is a questionnaire on this site that you both could fill out. Most men have sex and admiration as top needs.

Keep reading and posting here. We will help you through this.