Long, long story shortened....16 mos since dday #1 (EA & PA), 6 mos since dday #2 (supposedly continued EA), WH claims no further contact...but very very emotionally distant and to quote a friend, he's "shifty eyed". Well, WH did in fact call ow once last month , the call was for 1 minute. And there was a call also for one minute this month.

I am seriously considering PLAN D. I feel I have tried and tried and he is just a bull. He won't say it, but I know he still has feelings for ow (who by the way will ruin him...he is so manipulated and brainwashed it is sick). This has been going on for so, so long. I am losing sight of why I am even allowing him to stay here, other than because I don't want my kids to suffer. But, he works all the time, so I am by myself with them most of the time anyway.

He will not "fess up". He won't. He even lied for 10 mos in MC. Swore he wasn't in contact. Claims the two calls were "misdials". Bullsh$$. I have gone beyond giving him the benefit of the doubt.

I don't think he'll leave me, doesn't want that on his head. I've told him to go be with her so many times out of total frustration. That I did not want to be in this threesome.

At dday #2 I told him I'd seen a lawyer. THat I no longer considered myself married to him, that we'd get this done as quickly as possible. He left for two days. Stayed in a hotel. Was in a panic and in his own words , terrified. Spent much time talking to his IC. Came back and promised the sun, moon, stars. Ran to break it off with ow. But shortly thereafter he started acting shifty again.

He's like a child in a tantrum. A bully almost. I don't even like him as a human being right now. I DO NOT understand. He ACTS like he is here, but just mourning over the "true love" he can't have. Only, he's welcome to her. I give up. If in his brain he wants her, nothing, but nothing, I say or do will make him see ME. I'm not being defeatist here, this is what I have been living.

He's really given me nothing to hold on to. Is very emotionally absent, and frankly is mean to me. IE, we are having major house repairs done. He jumped all over me the other morning because their had been a slight miscommunication with the contractor. He told me he wasn't going to "Hold my hand through this". Funny, I thought this was a JOINT effort. Also funny, he hasn't "held my hand" through ANYTHING for the past two years, including the labor and delivery of our youngest child.

I truly feel I am holding onto nothing. I've gone through the denial, the sorrow, the hurt, the pain, the depression, RAGE, anger, and I think I am at acceptance now. Acceptance that this has really happened and that he is truly never going to be my husband again. That this affair has changed him to the core, that he is so far gone he'll never come back and I am wasting my time. And in the process just being a doormat.

I am each day just trying to reinforce to myself that I'll be ok, kids will be ok, I'll get them into counseling , and life will go on, right???

I feel calm. I just feel I've had enough. I'd rather be alone than treated like this. I love my h, I do want my marriage, but I can't control who he "loves". I have to draw my boundaries. He's treated me pretty cruelly through this. I'm kind of naive, I hate to say it. I put up with alot and I'm done. He'd go on like this forever. The way the whole A played out, I think the two of them actually got a rush out of rubbing my nose in it.

I'm done talking. I'm done with MC. We go around and around in circles because of HIM. I finally see it. Even our MC said, "she throws you a life preserver each and every session and you don't grab on". He's in the poor, poor me. Everyone hates me. No one trusts me. Gee, I wonder why??? I'm NOT the bad communicator I thought I was, I've done a damn good job through all this. It is him who's been DEAD weight. I can't pull him or us through this.

So, I think I'm just putting this out there. For me to see it in writing. To reinforce that I'm not making it seem worse than it is. He's ruined every special occasion since Christmas of 2002. Really. No [censored]. How stupid could I be????????????????

Oh well, as Billy Joel says, "and life goes on no matter who was wrong or right".

I can relate. I am in IC right now, and she gave me a book called "Rebuilding." One goes through a series of steps, and it is basically a divorce recovery book.

The first stage is denial. And I am already stuck. I am in denial. Denial that my husband could do this. Denial that he has changed, is now a different person (changed to the core, I could see that, but don't want to). Denial that this marriage will never be the same. Denial that what I thought we had, never really was. Denial that I must move on.

And I sit here and wonder...

Is my desperate need...my heartfelt attempts, my deep need to rebuild, to salvage, to heal...is it REALLY because of my love for my WH, is it REALLY because I believe we can do this, we can get over this, we are both strong enough, our love is BIG enough, our GOD is WILLING that, or is it.................

Just a great example of my DEEP SEEDED DENIAL??

I do not want to be stuck in this phase forever.

Christy, you are in VERY VERY early recovery. You've got to give it time to find out the answers to your questions. Two years after dday is the guide for recovery. I am at 16 mos but if I'm being honest H really never got into recovery.

I am so sorry for your pain. I've felt all the same things, and asked the same questions. I've relied on God alot. I know He'll be with me.

Give yourself time. How is your H behaving towards you? I could let go of the past if my H actually behaved like he wanted a future with me. It is an excruciating time. But you'll grow and become stronger to be able to handle whatever comes.

Good luck to you and God Bless.