*sigh* H and I have been up and down and round and round about a few things lately. We're going through the lessons after the MB seminar, and we're really struggling with matching up a few things that Dr. H has said. H posted on the private forum that Dr. H is supposed to answer... and Dr. H didn't respond. Dr. responded to 3 or 4 other posts that were written after H's, but didn't respond to his... and then proceeded to say that he won't be back in town til Monday! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> H posted his message on Weds., and we wanted to have an answer so that we could continue with the lesson. Now we can't go further or do anything til Monday... argh!! I'm so frustrated... I feel stuck in limbo... I don't know which way to go... what to do... and now we will have to spend another whole week on this lesson.
*sigh* ok... so now that that's out of my system... maybe I can go relax. I know that Dr. H is busy... I really do know that... I've just never been good at patience... especially when I'm waiting for someone to tell me what I'm supposed to do.

CW

uhhhhh, well, post the question here and maybe someone who's been through the course will answer for you? It's better than struggling along on your own, and hopefully Dr. H will correct you if you go astray.

Captains Wife! I agree with JJ...We were at the seminar too, as many others on here were. Post your question and maybe you can at least get an idea of what to do...or just go on without your answer! I also posted a question for Dr. H, but I know he was on his way out the door for his trip! He is very busy, so try to be patient with him. I am sure he will answer your questions just as soon as he gets back! good luck!

Dr. Harley overlooked a question of mine, too. I would just re-post it. I have asked many, many questions, and he has been patient enough to answer them. Our M is actually improving -- broken arm, infidelity, and all. I owe a lot of that improvement to a willingness on both our parts to give Harley's program a try, to create a feeling of love by attempting to reach agreement to meet each other's ENs.

Thanks for the responses. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I didn't really want to post our question for the public forum at first because it seems like we've already gotten conflicting thoughts from Dr. H, so I didn't want to get MORE conflicting answers... but the more that I think about it, there is a lot of wisdom here - so I'll post it and see what you all think. (H has given his enthusiastic agreement for me to copy his message here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

On the Personal History Questionnaire that is requested to be filled out, there is a question that asks "Have you ever had an extramarital sexual relationship(s)? If so please describe it."

My wife had come clean about them (before we went to the Orlando seminar)and has volunteered to tell me as much as I want to ask. I personally don't want to go over it again and according to you

"But once everything is revealed, it should not be mentioned again."

She has been writing about them on another sheet of paper and says it is theraputic for her to be doing so, but what good would it do for me to go over it again and in more detail for me???

So... H doesn't really want to hear about the A's... he has said that from the beginning. Dr. H has said, however, that H needs to know my history - and the questionaire asks for descriptions (I wasn't planning on intimate details, but H doesn't want ANY details). Dr. H had also said once that I should tell H everything that I think and feel... even about the affairs... so that H knows "where I'm at" emotionally. We struggled and struggled with that one, too, because I didn't want to hurt H and he didn't really want to hear it anyway. I finally told H a few things that I was thinking, because he said that he wanted TOTAL honesty (radical honesty). Now it feels like we're back at square one. H says he wants me to be radically honest... but he doesn't want to know anything about the A's. Then Dr. H says that we should be radically honest and the questionaire asks for details, but he also says that we aren't supposed to mention the A's anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Does anyone else see why I'm confused? I just want to know what I'm supposed to do. Am I supposed to be honest or not? Am I supposed to tell H everything about me and what I think and feel, or not? There are times when I feel like I should just clam up and go back to lying about everything and keeping everything in side... but I don't think that I could ever do that again - even if I tried.
We thought about going on to the next lesson while waiting for Dr. H's response... but he also has said that we shouldn't move on from one lesson to the next until we are totally done with the present one!

CW

Hi CW,

I am not going through the MB lessons right now but I just thought I would respond with some thoughts.

I can understand your confusion but speaking as a BS,I think knowing too many intimate details is not the answer to getting past this part of the lesson.It's like being mentally destroyed all over again to know specifics.That's why it may be a good idea if you take the time to think first about what you tell your H regarding the A.I don't think you should lie or try to protect him by not saying *anything but just be choosey about what you let out.I honestly do not see the benefit of reviewing painful topics over and over and as Dr.H says,there is a time to stop discussing the A and move ahead.

For an example,it would be really painful to me to hear what sexual positions my WH used with the homewrecker.ugh.Things like that I don't think are necessary at all,at least for me.Another example is what they talk about.Some may disagree with me but I really do not want to know what they were saying to each ohter,a lot of it was "fog" induced statements and don't have anything to do with ME.That is conversation that was between them.I would,however,want to know if my WH felt that I wasn't listening attentively or that I seemed uncaring when WH talked to me as opposed to HW,general feelings like that so I could best know how to make things better with that issue,whatever it was.

If a couple is going to move on,I think giving more power to the OP by frequently discussing them and what happened in the A should be stopped.There is nothing to be gained by repeatedly reviewing the most painful aspects to the adultery.At some point,the discussion has to turn from what you and the OP did/say to what YOU were feeling(I perspective) and how to help your S change what went wrong in the M.I know that your H probably wants and needs some information,but it will undoubtedly be hard for him to know what he should and should not know.

*Constructive vs DEconstructive information.What will help your husband and marriage in all this and what will just be hurtful info.

I hope this makes sense.

o

captain's wife:

I counseled with Steve H for over a year, so I've been through the system. My guess is that the "appropriate response" is for the two of you to use the POJA to make a decision regarding this. If you both agree that nothing more needs to be said for husband's sake---then that's fine. And if Dr. Harley disagrees---well, you if can POJA a response you can tell him "stuff it"... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Usually, the most important thing is for the two of you to be in agreement (enthusiastically). This would seem to fit into the plan here.

O and K-
thank you both so very much! Both of your responses make a great deal of sense. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I guess that H and I both don't trust ourselves right now to make the best decisions for our marriage... so we are trying to follow directions to the letter. This could be a good time for us to look at our own needs and practice coming to enthusiastic agreement, though. Dr. H didn't say that in the lesson, though, so it didn't occur to me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
CONstructive not DEstructive... and enthusiastic agreement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I think I need to start repeating those over and over...

CW