Oh yeah, and I'm also working on getting my certificate of competency as a carpenter which would almost double my income and seriously boost my self esteem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

dewt

Speaking of self esteem... I'm kinda dissappointed with the lack of responses here in regards to the changes I'm trying to make. I'm really trying to get my act together and could use some encouragement.

Am I on the right track here? Or am I still missing the point?

dewt

Dewt -

Your actions show promise, but I still do not think the 'going it alone' approach has a high chance for success. Affirmation of your efforts needs to come from inside yourself for the actions to really mean something.

"I'm kinda dissappointed with the lack of responses here in regards to the changes I'm trying to make."

This statement tells me you want positve reinforcment for making good choices. Your positive reinforcement should come from the good choices that you are making. Not an 'at-a-boy' from strangers...

I would like to revisit the 12 step program issue. You mentioned that AA does not have an organized group in your area? Are you sure?? My travels have taken me to some very remote areas...small towns with populations under 2000 people. I've found meetings there. As a matter of fact, I can not think of a town that I've been to that did not have an AA group. Working a 12 step program can help you gain strength. It is this internal strength that you need to draw on in order to remain sober and not need a constant pat on the back when you've made a good choice. Does this make sense?

We have saying in AA - 'Half measures availed us nothing'. I fear you are going to learn this principle first hand...

I don't mean to be cruel or uncaring. You see, I learned the 'half measures' principle the hard way too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ...

Gib

<small>[ May 12, 2004, 06:34 PM: Message edited by: Gibby1 ]</small>

Positive reinforcement? Ok, ya... a little. However, affirmation of my efforts is coming largely from inside. I've been working on most of these items since early January and seeing the changes in my life is making me feel really good. I guess what I'm a little piqued about is that the times I've screwed up, the 2x4's came out and the replies were numerous and vehemently aggressive. Now I'm trying to get some feedback on more positive aspects of my actions and I feel like I've been pretty much written off.

Most likely this is at least partly a reflection of how I feel in regards to my wife. But still, the numbers are there to back up my point.

What am I really trying to say? I'm freaking lonely. I'm scared and having trouble keeping the faith. It seems the only way I can get any kind of definitive reaction from anyone (including her) is by going off and having sex with someone. Obviously I'm not going to do that again. And I can't call her and whine for some attention and adult human contact. MB is my next best bet.

As far as AA goes, if it was here, and easily accessible, I'd most likely have followed it up. But I'm struggling with the single parenthood thing right now and between that, work, and my counselling, there isn't a lot of time left over. Maybe you will think that is just an excuse. Maybe it is, but as long as the cravings to smoke keep fading, I feel confident that I'm on the right track.

Mostly I'm just upset that everyone is so quick to jump on me and tear me apart but so few are willing to give me a pat on the back and say 'good job'.

But anyway, thanks for popping in.

dewt

Hi dewt,

This isn't a pat on the back or a 2x4. I just wanted you to know that I'm keeping up with how you're doing because I 2x4'd you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . Other than letting you know I'm reading, I don't have anything helpful to contribute.

Just out of curiosity, how many BSs or FBSs who have non-recovering FWHs do you know who get pats on the back? Or whines (your word) about it? I whined about that myself today. No pat on the back, no acknowledgment at all. Want to know what the next thing to do is? Get back to business. Whining is allowed for 5 minutes a month--any more than that and we'll sink. Get back to business dewt, for your sake and your boys' sakes.

Take care

5 mins a month, eh? That's all? I'm way over that. Way, way, way... I have my strong moments and my weak moments. Yesterday was a very 'weak' day. I felt vulnerable and frail all day. And pretty stressed out to.

I guess I think of MB as a kind of support group and I was feeling like I needed a little support. Still do feel that way, in fact. Which is why I appreciate you popping in just to let me know that you are reading.

Anyway, I still have homework and bedtime for the lil one, so I'll cut out now. I'll be back later though.

Thanks again.

dewt

hello Dewt,
Hope you are holding up o.k... I'm not sure that MB is a support group. I was wondering though, have you developed any close friendships or family ties, ones you could trust and count on in difficult times? Maybe you ought to be thinking along those lines. No person is an island and a marriage lived in isolation is no good either. Just food for thought... Who are your "real world" supports in these difficult times? I hope you have some in place, but it doesn't sound much like it.

Still reading your posts, thinking and praying for you & your family.

Peace,
Odyssey

I dunno, has been a great support at times. It's what we say to new people when they come... It's been a place for support, advice, insight and encouragement from others who are facing similar issues.

I won't deny that things here have changed drastically since 1999.

Anyway, I do have some people here I can talk to, but mostly I don't. Dylan should be joining us here and I would like for her to be able to do so without facing harsh judgement from those I'm associated with. Many people IRL who've heard my 'side' of the story think I'm an idiot for wanting her back in my life. (I'm sure many here know what I mean) But they don't know her like I know her and also they aren't familliar with MB principles or the thought patterns associated with affairs. So mostly now if I don't have anything positive to say, I say nothing.

I really appreciate you popping in to let me know you are still reading. And I REALLY appreciate the prayers. Gods Grace is what I need now more than even support or encouragement. I was feeling pretty dejected there for a bit.

dewt

<small>[ May 14, 2004, 05:46 AM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

haven't been following your story just bits and pieces. i know you are on the forums a lot and post. i think each of us has generally a few people that we post with and that's about as far as it goes. part of the reason why i don't read and post to everyone is because the only computer access i have right now is at work and spend too much time as it is on my own posts and would probably be fired if they knew how much time i spent here.

anyway, just wanted to give you a word or two of encouragment and to say keep up the good work and i'm sure others who you post to are very appreciative. i pray for everyone on the MB forums everyday and wish you continued strength and a rebuilt marriage. sorry if this doesn't really make sense or if it isn't real helpful but still prayers to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by roughroad:
<strong>... anyway, just wanted to give you a word or two of encouragment and to say keep up the good work and i'm sure others who you post to are very appreciative. i pray for everyone on the MB forums everyday and wish you continued strength and a rebuilt marriage. sorry if this doesn't really make sense or if it isn't real helpful but still prayers to you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It makes perfect sense. ...and is more helpful than you might think. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for this reply.

I pray too, for everyone here and myself too, but mostly for my W, because I get the feeling that she's really miserable right now. And I don't think that's going to change until she really has had enough and decides it's time. And I don't think that's anytime soon.

dewt

dewt