Hello LIR,

I am sorry for your pain. I can only say that I applaud you your relationship with your mother. It will be something that you carry with you the rest of your life.

I am thinking of you and your family and will keep your mother in my prayers.

Fraggles, Pep, ss, Alberta and Terri - Just want to thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers - I feel much better today, even though Mom is now in the hospice - I just feel better able to cope with the emotional challenges, even though I am still hurting - I am sure everyone's prayers are helping me.

My sister visited Mom yesterday, and apparently, Mom was able to sit up in bed, but she is MAD! This is something we have all been dealing with with Mom - for a long time, she was in total denial, last week, she accepted that she was dying, I guess that having accepted that, she is more able to admit that she is angry about it - but her anger is focusing on everyone who is trying to take care of her. Like, nothing the doctors, or nurses, or care workers, or my sister and her family, do for her, is QUITE right - not good enough - she expresses her frustration with EVERYTHING. I got Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's book "On death and dying", so I think I am understanding that what's happening with my mom is that she is just projecting her anger on to everything around her, even us - and like I said to my sister - "if you were her, wouldn't you be mad, too - let's just welcome the opportunity we have to be targets for her anger - she has us, so we can help her by letting her direct some of her anger towards us - we know her well enough to know she will get over it" - my sister and I just both sat there and laughed.

But you know, it still hurts - I worry about my sister - that she's the one taking the brunt of this - and for my mom's sake, I hope she gets past this angry stage before she dies. If she doesn't, and she might not, then that's OK, too, we accept her the way she is - we will laugh about her anger afterwards, but it is also a BIG lesson to me (and to my S and BIL, because we have talked about this) about the danger of holding resentment and anger inside of yourself all of your life. We think she is reacting this way not just because of facing death, but because of all the buried frustration, sadness and resentment she has carried with her for the last 35 years, over her D from my dad.

For me, there's a real sadness in that, because I remember when my grandmother died (my mom's mother). My grandfather left my grandmother in the middle of the Depression with 5 little girls - my grandmother had good reason to hate my grandfather. And my grandmother was, in many ways, a bitter woman. I remember when she was dying, I asked my mom how she was doing, and my mom told me that my grandmother had surprised her by reaching up and holding her hand and saying - "I'm telling you, P., let go of the bitterness you feel towards J., I regret holding on to it and what it did to me, I don't want to see that happen to you, so whatever you do, let it go." Also, my grandmother had told my mom that she thought my mom shouldn't divorce my dad - as bad as my dad was (and he was as a textbook WS), my grandmother thought my mom should try to stay married to him. So I think my mom blames herself for divorcing Dad, and feels partly responsible for a lot of the trauma we went through as kids. But she hasn't been able to let go and move on, emotionally, and I think she's angry with herself for that, too. She has actually replayed her own mother's life, even though she tried not to.

That scares me a little - I do NOT want to be the third generation of women to run this videotape, ya know? That's one of the reasons why I have hung on to my marriage so hard, even if it isn't perfect, even if we don't have POJA, even if H isn't reading from the MB hymnsheet (yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) - he's getting closer.

I'm learning a lot from my mom, even now - it's making me think a lot about the value of detachment, acceptance and true forgiveness.

I also feel I've been shown a little better how to pray for my mom - to pray that she will be able to forgive herself. My mom is not a member of any church, so I also pray that she will experience the true love of our Lord before she dies.

LIR

Dear LIR,

I am sorry to hear of your mom's condition. It is certainly hard on all involved. Receiving support from those who care but can't be there is important. Let your sister know that.

In my case, I have a lot of family support. However the one my parents want to hear from is a WS (wayward sister) who has chosen NOT to care for her parents in anyway. It is hard to believe we are even related. On the other hand the support I have recieved is precious and priceless. From family, friends and even acquaintances made at the hospital, we are all helping each other out.

Keep the contact going with your mom and sister. Right now they both need to know you care and are there with them in supportive spirit. Prayer is a powerful tool for providing encouragement.

Take care of yourself also. Do the healthy thing.

Let us know how we can help and thanks for your support on RH's thread.

Mahalo,
L.

Lady_in_red, I know what you are going thru. I think we have a lot in common. My mother died of breast cancer 7 months after d-day. I had had a wonderful marriage for 30 yrs, but temptation struck my H while I was preoccupied with my mother's fight with Breast cancer. She was 76 when she died, a year ago next week. I had been a devoted daughter and used the internet to help fight the disease - for 12 years she fought it. I had to go back to visit my mother, after promising her I'd come back soon, instead of meeting my H overseas for a holiday. His interest in OW intensified. Later when I discovered the A, I coudn't spend the remaining time with mom. I only saw her briefly near the end. Last time was mothers day 2003. The end is not painful and she will know nothing. You probably should get the doctors to give you a detailed analysis of the type of breast cancer your mother has. It might have implications for you. I know about my mothers type and it does impact on my risk of that type of bc.

Like you, I feel overwhelmed with what I've had to deal with this last year. somehow we get thru it though. Your mom will pass peacefully. I now those phone calls where they don't make much sense or don't have the energy to speak much. My mom more or less had the same type of progression as yours. It's a pity you cannot see her - try to get to see her if you can. I regret not being with her for the end.

with love

anyname now_wiser@hotmail.com

Thanks so much, you guys -

Orchid - I'm praying for you and your family - yes, it is hard when one family member is estranged - we have a cousin who has turned her back on her family, and even after all these years, we all still feel sad for her - she is missing so much -

anyname - thank you so much for your kind thoughts - I'm so sorry to hear about your H's affair - I can imagine how horrendous that must have been for you - IMO, its really the ultimate betrayal to have an affair when a family member is dying. I came to MB after my H's second EA - he was deeply in the throes of being in love with the first girl while my brother was dying (3 years ago), and I found evidence of his feelings for her just days after the funeral. I managed to derail that R by exposing it to her family, but my H shifted his attention to someone else - during the time he was getting involved with EA2, our SIL died, and I discovered the evidence of that EA two months after her death. I hit the roof (and him) and the rest is history - I found MB and started trying to follow the advice given here, my H got himself into IC upon my ultimatum - he is still going to IC, and we have recovered a lot, but still have work to do. I sympathize with you. Right now, I still have tiny doubts, even though my H has been GREAT throughout all of this, as to whether my H is not up to something behind my back - so far, though, I haven't seen any of the signs that were there when he was involved with the other two, so I am going with the idea that he is being a good husband and being there for me. I can't handle any more stress, after the last 3 years - I need all my energy to deal with what my mother needs from us right now. But I will say this - as painful as this is, the pain of betrayal was worse.

I'm sorry for what happened to you, and I hope that you are finding ways to heal.

My mom is not doing too well - her arm broke day before yesterday for no reason - the nurse was helping her to drink a glass of water, and she just reached out her arm for the glass and there was a loud POP in the room - they took her into ER for an xray and found her upper arm bone had a spiral fracture. They said that her bones are as fragile as glass now and she can't be moved - they are trying to make her as comfortable as possible with morphine - my sister said when she saw her yesterday, she was sleeping deeply and peacefully, but when she woke up, she tried to say "help me".

Please pray that God will take my Mom soon.

LIR

You and your Mom are in my prayers.

I remember all this. I think about you both lots and also lately have been remembering my own Mom.

This is a harsh time.

dewt

Thanks dewt -

I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

I also appreciate your honesty. I've always felt its best to look things square in the face.

Thanks again,
LIR

LIR, I still pray for you and your mom. Please look up in GOD. HE will take care of your mom in heaven. {{{{{{LIR}}}}}}}

Dearest LIR,

I haven't been onto the forum for the longest time, so don't know if you remember me, but it was good to see your thread - until I read your sad news. I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. I lost my Dad very suddenly a few years ago and I always wished that I could have told him just how much he has shaped my life. My H lost his Dad a month ago. It was sudden and unexpected, but he had had a heart attack 4 years before, so they had "extra time" (as the family called it). They made sure that they always called eachother if a thought or memory surfaced - you just never know how long you have to tell someone all the tiny things that you hold in your heart. A letter is a wonderful idea. So are photos - old ones and new ones - they remind us of happy, sad, significant and day to day events that make us part of eachother. Your Mum looks out at you already every day - from the eyes of your children. Give her the chance to pass her wisdom on to you - and make sure that you tell her that you're okay - I know that my F-in-law always worried that, if something happened to him, his beloved family would all stick together and be alright.

I so hope that you and your H are in a place where he can offer you his love and support. Know that our love and support are here for you.
Take care and God Bless.
Fishwife

Awful...

So many similarities... even the anger... if you want to email me, let me know.

Meanwhile...

morphine... lots and lots of morphine.... and ativan too.

Pep