I will be going into Plan B shortly. My WH has agreed time away & no speaking may help us heal & bring us back together. We have been talking quite openly and he is slowly revealing his real self. I do think he may be in withdrawal, but he says he really doesn't want anything to do w/ her. He says he sees that the continued contact via the telephone was cheating. He apoligized for alot of his bad behavior and it seemed genuine.

He admitted last night that he so ashamed of his bad judgements & his actions. He feels disgusted w/ himself. He can't believe after all the bad things he has done & said I am beside him. I told him it was because I loved him & knew that he was still around, that the person of the past 13 months was not him. I cried abit, telling him I spent the day thinking about the day we met & other happy times - somethings he forgot about. Then he reminded me we were only taking a "break".

My question is if No Contact w/ OW is to get them to forget & remember marriage & BS, then wouldn't Paln B have the same effect? Wouldn't the adage "Out of Sight, Out of Mind" come into play?

Maybe I am just scared that he'll like being alone. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayed by 2:
<strong>My question is if No Contact w/ OW is to get them to forget & remember marriage & BS, then wouldn't Paln B have the same effect? Wouldn't the adage "Out of Sight, Out of Mind" come into play?

Maybe I am just scared that he'll like being alone. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, out of sight, out of Mind and even worst with NC ... it is actually out of touch!.

Plan A/B works for NORMAL people.

However if the WS has unresolve emotional issue(s), WS has to work on that first or at the same time if BS is strong enough plus under guidance of MC.

I really beleive BS should get MC help to review their plan A and also evaluate plan B.

NC ... Go Away !, I don't want to love you no more.
plan B ... Go Away, I love you but I can't take this and I might be here if you are willing work on M.

Yes, plan B is to stop the bleeding of LU$ of BS at the same time to stop the deposit of LU$ to WS. If it continues stand still .. at one point either BS or WS will say "no mas" and move on.

-rh-

<small>[ May 09, 2004, 02:17 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Is any of this NORMAL?

I think our Plan B is kind of makeshift. We are planning to do the first month w/ no talking to each other. Try & clear our heads. He'd like just the first two weeks - but agreed to the month. I will email him news of our daughter w/ pictures - once a week & he'll be able to talk th her via my mother. After the first one - we'll talk once a week. He knows that this time is for me to break free of this cycle of enabling, etc.

For the most part my Plan A was very solid. There were LBs - but we are all human. He has seen changes & has responded positively. One thing I never did was bad-mouth OW - she did this about me & he saw some of her true colors. He may slip when I go, but I think I am leaving on more solid ground than one month ago. Just a few minutes ago he called from work & told me he loved me. All talk about Dv has switched to talk of a "break". He even talked about his visit later in the summer to come see us - talked about going to a place, small Italian diner that we loved so very much when we dating. He even talks about future together.

I am just scared to believe that things can work out so far away & hoping that they do, when for so long I thought we were moving to recovery & hee we are moving out.

I want to do this right - any suggestions?

Originally posted by betrayed by 2:
I will be going into Plan B shortly.

Why are you ready for Plan B? Please explain.

My WH has agreed time away & no speaking may help us heal & bring us back together.

Plan B is NOT a mutual agreement between BS and WS ... Plan B is to protect the BS from the hurt of continued affair behaviors...

Plan B is .... when the WS feels the love from the BS because of Plan A ... yet still cannot decide which life he/she wants ... with OP or with BS ....

And to knock the cake-eater off the fence, the BS suddenly and ~~without warning~~ gives the WS the Plan B letter and *poof* disappears.... leaving behind all the residual good feelings about the marriage that Plan A left with the WS...

and the WS misses the BS because of Plan A

.... and the OP cannot take the place of the BS .... and in time, hopefully, the WS surrenders and agrees to return ~in whole~ to the marriage .... not ~in part~ like before.

So, are you ready to Plan B .... or are you making a mutual separation agreement .... they are NOT at all the same thing.

Pep

My Plan A enabled him to continue talking to OW. She last text messaged him on 04/29 - he claims that was the last contact. Do I believe him - want to, but no - just plain tired of living like this!

Maybe it a mutual separation - I had to ask mother for the monies to move 3000 miles away from my home w/ WH - so I informed him of this, also needed to protect my self legally because of daughter. He just signed/notariazed a document drawn up by family attorney - nothing done in court.

Before this plan of action, he was daily talking about Divorce - now w/ us leaving in three weeks he is getting off the fence - it's only a "break". He reluctantly agreed to stop talking to each other - basiclly did a Plan B letter verbally. Also, before this, he refused to read anything - now he wants to read anything I give him. He actually read the article from Psychology Today about "soulmates" - said it made so much sense, before he threw everything away. Is this progress?

So what do I call this? But I know that I am tired, drained & I need to think about me & my daughter. I am confused, part of me wants to stay, but I know this is the best solution to keep me sane.

Do a pitch dark plan B !, there is no other kind !.

Basically you let go of him and protect yourself.

No email, no IM, no TxtMsg, no 3rd party relying messages but emergency one, no talk about WH w/ no one, nothing at all !. OUT OF TOUCH !.

This is to push WH to make decision since staying put is not working for you (not him) ... and you have to accept that the end result either working on M or Dv.

-rh-

<small>[ May 09, 2004, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

I know that I am tired, drained & I need to think about me & my daughter. I am confused, part of me wants to stay, but I know this is the best solution to keep me sane.

Plan B time....

Sounds like you did a good Plan A.

Write a Plan B letter ..

even if you had a discussion...

Plan B letter is something that the WS can read over and over and refer to it when he gets the feeling he wants to reconcile...

Plan B letter..

Then go for it!

You're ready!

Pep

Redhat -
That's what I thought from the beginning - go dark & heal, but w/ a daughter I thought I was being selfish. Yes, I know that he has been that way for a very long time - but does it make it right?

I see from your sig line that you are Dv'd - Did your ex-wife ever tell you she regretted her decisions or actions?

Barbara

Redhat & Pepperband -

Did you do a Plan B? Is it normal to feel so scared? I hope this is the right thing to do!

Thanks,
Barbara

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayed by 2:
Redhat & Pepperband -

Did you do a Plan B? Is it normal to feel so scared? I hope this is the right thing to do!

Thanks,
Barbara </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My marriage is 8 years recovered!

I did not have a computer then... and had never heard of MB...

But, I did a sort-of plan B intuitively.

I had WH move out, and I worked on myself.... I made improvements and took a long hard look at MYSELF while WH did the same .... away from home.

And WH was beating down my door after not very long...

Pep

When my exW filed and put NC on me ... I went to plan B under SH's advice, no formal letter but I talked to her face 2 face.

I knew that I will have to wait a very long time to outlast their A. OM & exW know about MB concepts. I have no choice but to take this route to protect myself & my 2 D. Sh told me that Dv is likely and the only way to reconsile is after Dv ... in which I told SH that not until pigs could fly. (we argue on scripture intepretations)

6 months later ... I don't have my exW's mental picture on my head. I pushed for change of status and I was granted Dv status 3 months later. I am still in NC for 2.5 years now. Mostly b/c I don't want to be the recepient of her anger looking at her life now. She was un-happy with her life with me and blamed it on me ... She is un-happy with her life now with OM and still blames it on me. Now happy memories during our M just a distant memory. It has no impact on me, it is like remembering a road that I had travel before.

Plan B is for you. Hope WH could wake up before your LU$ drained.

Staying put is not an option if it is chiping away LU$.

-rh-

I'm going to wade in here since a couple of MB heavyweights are dispelling their wisdom from the mountain. Howdya do your plan B with kidlets?

My WW bought a house less than 200 M away moves into it in 2 weeks......I can see having to go there to chase them down and visa versa. How did you do the exchanges? how do you allow extra access without communicating? How? How? How?

Believe me - I do not want to go 3000 miles away! We are so financially strapped that we can not afford to pay 2 rents. I am going to move back to hometown (both from same place) & stay w/ my parents - he is going to put in for a transfer (Fed Gov't could be awhile).

He is planning on taking a vacation - maybe around August and visit - hence why is maybe hard to go totally dark. Regarding daughter - both my mother & MIL think he made this bed and therefore should lie in it. I asked both if it was fair to her - she is only 3 & is Daddy's Girl.

I am torn stay & continue on in hell or go and keep my sanity.

I have done alot of reflecting & anaylzing of my contribution to this problem. I have learned alot and somethings WH had a problem w/ disappeared w/out him ever telling me his ENs. I actually have more self-esteem now than I did before all this happened.

My brother told me before I was my own worst critic. I always doubted my looks - I was always told I was the smart one, sister was the good looking one. Always put down by Grandmother & her sisters - husband always thought they were crazy. He thinks I am crazy for not seeing myself as a beautiful woman - but I do now. I know I have more to offer, have more intgrerity & morals than OW. He told me he hopes that our daughter is just like me when she grows up - I assume that would be a compliment.

Binder ... thread jack !!!, I think Bby2 won't mind. There is a will there is a way.

I have a very detailed instruction by the court, when, where, ther procedure for lateness.

I have court appointed IC, she is M&FamilyTherapist to resolve big issues, such as school & so on.

We have 50-50 custody, alternate week. We exchange the kids at the rink every Sat. On the exchange day, I drop them there to take lesson & practice, she pick them up after I am gone ... and vice versa.

Only emergency we txtmsg to inform the other party ... only seeking yes/no answer back.

My suggestion is ... put everything in details ... including holiday schedules, bday & so on. Get help for with exchange ... MIL, parents, schools, day care, gymn, soccer club ... etc. Get help with the emergency contact. The rule of emergency contact are
1. the content is to the point.
2. yes/no kindda of question.
3. The agreement always rules.

Do not ask what happen when they were w/ the other spouse care ... do not ask no one about WS ... the only answer that you need to hear is either WS wants to work on M or one of you decide to filed.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayed by 2:
<strong>I am torn stay & continue on in hell or go and keep my sanity.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What WH has to say about you moving 3000 miles away ?

Does he want you to stay ?, how he would solve the financials & other issues if you stay ?

-rh-

Not a thread jack - I am wondering the same thing - that's why I thought my mom would be perfect go-between.

But, when he caomes for vacation (for 3wks) he wants to go to places we used to go when we were dating - as if to rekindle our love. Also, he doesn't want anyone to know we are separted - wants me to tell he is on a detail - very common. Is that a positive sign?

Accusation: Threadjacking

Verdict: Guilty!

Sentence: My thanks for the info/experience of those before me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayed by 2:
<strong> Also, he doesn't want anyone to know we are separted - wants me to tell he is on a detail - very common. Is that a positive sign? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Part of fighting A ....
1. PLAN A
2. Expose A
3. Fillin ENs as much as WS allows you to
4. No LBs

You are enabling .. he is negotiating ... to keep A secret. What is in it for you ?

Just don't give him warning ... expose A or separation by leaking it out to a family/friend that has biggest mouth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

-rh-

<small>[ May 09, 2004, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

He thinks being w/ family & friends will be good for me - because I have had no one here - he slept w/ my only friend! He also believes it will be good for daughter because my Dad is ill & she'll brighten his days. She'll also get to see cousins, etc more often.

I will get to work while there, Mom has graciously offered to babysit - extra cash w/ hopefully help that Financial problem & take away some of his anxiety. Of course, still will be plan Aing even in Plan B!! (LOL)

He has said he wants to make our last few weeks together memorable - so I hope that is a positive. I plan to get ADs from doctor on Tuesday - any suggestions of which works quickly? I also will do a perfect Plan A to leave fresh in his memory!!!

But what to write in a letter????