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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 111
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Wnatout Offline OP
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My WH and I have really been working on our M. I believe he has not been talking to OW, but can't be certain. I know our latest phone bill the only numbers on their longer than 1 minute are mine!

I have been trying to improve on the things I did that screwed up our M...Not cooking, making more decisions, etc. He has been working around the house more and spending more time with our children and at home. He even went back to church this morning!!

However, he never mentions anything that was or is wrong with M. We talk, but not about us. Will the "I love you's" ever return? Am I setting myself up for a huge let down? Should I tell him I love him? I do, but I haven't been telling him so because I don't want to push too much.

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YES!! The "I Love You's" do return. I waited TWO YEARS!!! TWO YEARS!! But, they returned, they meant something and I hear it a lot now and I KNOW my H means every word.

I do remember waiting to hear it and I would post about this topic a lot . (Oldtimers will remember what I went through).

I did tell my H that I loved him even when he couldn't reply the same way. It's hard to say it when you know it won't come back to you. But if you genuinely feel it...let him know.

Talking is good..talking about anything is good and talking about your relationship will be good when you find you can do it. As long as you have the tools to enable you to talk about your marriage then that is surely the next, positive step. The most important thing in any discussion is the ability to listen and you can only have a constructive talk about your marriage if you both know it is "Safe" for both of you to do so. No judgemental statements, no cutting off, no defensiveness, no "teaching".....well, you get my drift. In "After the Affair" the author addresses this scenario and if you find that you are just starting an argument then you just STOP the discussion right then and there.

Have you and your H looked at Surviving an Affair and the Emotional Needs Questionnaire? That is an excellent place to start any sort of meaningful talk about your relationship.

Hang in there...if you are both willing to ride the ride, this crazy road to recovery, you will survive.

Joined: Mar 2004
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Wnatout Offline OP
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Thanks, alberta. I guess I am expecting too much too soon. It has only been a couple weeks into this whole recovery thing. I am scared that we will have another down on the roller coaster of recovery, but I try to be optimistic. Two years is a long time...How did you make it? Any suggestions?

Joined: Sep 2001
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hurtnp,

This is MB 101. in-love could be recreated w/ 4 gifts of love: care (fillin ENs), protections (avoid LB at all cost), time (undivided attention) and radical honesty.

You are responsible to create "that love" and all he has to do is let you do it to him and help you out in telling you about his ENs.

-rh-

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Two years is a long time...and it was tough, especially when during that time we discovered my Mom was terminally ill...

Redhat is so right in his reply -- and if you guys do the EN Questionnaire then you have a starting place. Once you know what your H needs and once he knows what you need you can work on fulfilling those needs.


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