Can you please link me to your Plan B letter! I am going to use it as and modify it for my own situation! Do you mind? Thanks!

I copied everything months ago (preparing for the unavoidable) into my computer...here i paste it for you...i dont remember the link

Things that need to be in a PBL

• I love you.
• I married you for life. I want to stay married to you
• I am willing to do what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things I did wrong in the marriage.
• The affair/neglect/abuse is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you.
• As soon as the affair/neglect/abuse is over I would love to talk with you about our future.
• Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever
• In an emergency you can reach me through______.
• Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances are_____.


My Dearest husband

I am still so in love with you. Knowing that I had a part in sending you into the arms of another woman keeps me awake nightly. You repeatedly tell me that it’s you and not me, but I have looked long and hard at our relationship, and know that there are things I could have done differently…..better.

I hope that over the past few weeks, you’ve noted my willingness to change. I have made our relationship the number one priority in my life – something I should have done long ago. I have made personal changes that I like, taking pride not only in myself but much more.

I would like to show you the full extent of my changes…. but I cannot. I would like to create a new and exciting life with you and Renee…. but I cannot. I would like to show you what a truly wonderful and passion filled marriage can be…. but again, I cannot. Until you agree to end your relationship with OW once and for all, we’ll never know what kind of life we can have together.

Until that happens, I have to avoid seeing or talking to you. We will communicate through Ana to help make arrangements for your visits with daughter. My mom has also expressed interest in helping. You may continue to visit whenever you like, but I cannot be here. If communication is needed regarding daughter, please do so through SMS.

I know that daughter is confused and a little scared whenever you don’t sleep over, so I have to be able remain strong for her. However, I will not let my emotions interfere with my ability to parent the joys of my life, don’t worry.

I ask that you continue to respect my decision to separate myself from you this way. I have told you of the pain this affair has caused me, and I simply cannot be around you, knowing that you are returning to her.

However, as soon as you are willing to permanently cut your ties with OW, I will be happy and willing to discuss the beautiful future we can have together. It can be done. I haven’t stopped loving you since I first uttered the words eighteen years ago.

My love always,
{to OW}I love H with all of my heart and soul. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy and fulfilled. I will wait for him to give me that chance.

Dearest <wife>,
It is with shaking hands and tearful eyes and that I sit here and write this letter to you. It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and us. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation. Let me explain.
I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I am truly sorry for helping to create and environment that has made it possible for your affair to be possible. I did not realize how much it meant to you for me to be there for you. The handholding, the hugs and the snuggling to name a few. I also could not see through my own confusion on why I was so angry. I now clearly see those things I was lacking in. I just didn&#8217;t understand how important it was to us. I have made it clear to everyone that my time with my family, especially for my precious wife, is and will be my main focus. You will always come first.
The past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving grace is the memories of the love we once shared, of the all good times we have spent together, your extraordinary qualities that led me to ask you to spend your life with me and thought of us being together, someday happy again. Unfortunately, I now find those thoughts and feelings are slowly eroding away. Before I lose any more of the thoughts and feelings of what was once us, I must take some drastic steps.
<wife>, as you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I simply can not continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with <OM>. It has become too painful. We can only rebuild our marriage..together..when you completely end your relationship with <OM>.
Until that point, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. To this end, I feel it is best that you find another place to stay, while I continue to stay at our home and be the primary care provider for our children. I do not wish for your bond with the children to suffer any further and I will be as flexible as possible with visitation of the children, but I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. I would also like any of the regular communications between us to be handled through a mutual friend or relative of your choice. If you have any an urgent matter, you can always call me or email me at any time.
I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know torturous pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with <OM>. I simply cannot be in contract with you any longer, knowing that you and he are together. This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid poisoning all that we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery!
I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from <OM> and are willing to construct a plan to ensure a total separation. Until that time I will continue to pray for our family and us.
In my mind I will keep the vision of seeing walk through the door to and say "hello my love" and of a happy and loving family that our needs are being met and no others could come between. I know it can happen! What anyone other that you think about us is of no importance to me or my feelings for you. I have loved you as many different men; as a boyfriend, as husband, as a father, as a business partner, as a confidant, as a cheerleader, as a friend, as a mentor, as a student, as a martyr, as a hurt child to list a few. I still love you today; I just can not be with you or help you as long as you are still involved with <OM>.
You complete me,
Your loving husband,
<me>
Robin,
This is the hardest letter I've ever written. I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I foolishly perused my own interests assuming you would simply follow along and be ok with it. I neglected your needs and failed to give you the praise that you deserved and needed so many times. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and with my selfishness and foolishness I helped create a void in our marriage that allowed this affair to happen. You were always there for me when I needed you. There were so many times you needed me and I was not there for you, you will never know how much I regret that. I was wrong, very wrong and I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for all the pain I have caused you.
I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship, or how to meet your needs. I can&#8217;t sit here and say that I now know all that I need to know about relationships but I can however honestly say that I have learned a lot about honoring, cherrishing, and companionship. I want to learn even more about how to be a supportive and loving man. The type of man that I hope you would be proud of to call your husband; the same pride I felt so many times when I called you my wife.
More than anything else in this world, I would like to be able to put the mistakes of the past behind us and build a better life together. I want us to strive to meet each other&#8217;s needs and avoid making the same mistakes that got us to the place we find ourselves now and more than anything else I want to give you the life that you deserve. I want to create the kind of life for us that it should have been from the very beginning.
Since October, I've been trying to give you hope for the marriage by learning how to be a better husband to you. To give you hope that you could return to a marriage that you wanted, and for us to build our family together. But I cannot do this while your affair continues. I have waited patiently for this to end and it has been very difficult, and I'm afraid that my stamina for this is waning. In order to protect the love that I feel for you, I believe it would be best for us not to have contact. I cannot continue to see or talk with you while the affair with OB continues. This is not to punish you---it's to give our marriage the best chance to survive"

Until then I must avoid seeing you or talking to you.Also I won't be able to help you financially. There are a few specific bills we have that need to be addressed. The first is the car insurance, the second is daycare expense, and the third is our life insuranse. My solution to this is we split them. Since I won't be in contact, the best way to do this will be for you to pay the the car and life insureance and I'll pay all of the daycare.
If you come up with a better solution please let me know. I will give you the payment book for the mortgage for that house. I of course will take care of this house. Jennifer and Theresa have made arrangements to either be here when You bring Abbey over, or will pick her up from you. If you need to reach me at work Lyndi has agreed to relay what ever you need to communicate.
I hope that you will understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you and any chance of reconciliation in the future. I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way.You must know the pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OB. I feel my love for you slipping away. Therefore in order to protect my feelings for you I can no longer see you under the current conditions.
When you are willing to end relations with OB and are willing to enact the measures necessary to ensure that. I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together.
I want us to build a life together that is built on meeting each others basic emotional needs and to avoid the things that got us to the place we now find ourselves. I love you Robin, I want you to be my wife. I know I have hurt you in the past and I never want to make you feel that way again. The night I proposed to you I meant what I said. I want you to be my wife, and the mother of my children. I want to grow old with you. I still imagine our little "Liam", running around, another child with his mothers good looks, zeal for life and his daddy's sharp wit and sense of humor. I want us to have a lifestyle in which we will never have to separate again. I want to be your best friend and confidant, the one person who is always there for you. I love being your number one cheerleader. I want you to be my best friend and confidant, my cheerleader.

I have tried the best that I know how to express my love for you and my desire to have you in my life as my wife again. I don&#8217;t know what else to say. I could hold on, make myself a nuisance of myself but I love you too much to cause you anymore pain than I already have. I just really needed you to know how much I still love you and how sorry I am for all the mistakes that I made. They say that we should learn from our mistakes, and I know that&#8217;s true but I just wish the lesson didn&#8217;t cost so much.
I loved you when we met and I love you more today than I did when we first married. I am dedicated to make our marriage a place you will really want to be.
I love you Robin,
Dear Mrs Brownphd,
I love you.
The last x months I have been through a lot. I understand/am learning to understand my behaviors which led us to this point in our relationship. I am not saying all the problems were yours. I had problems in dealing with our marriage (any examples here. Not caring enough, angry outbursts, etc.) and I'm learning new techniques and principles which will allow us to have a much healthier, better, and more satisfying relationship.
Since you are having an affair with xxx and do not wish to try and repair our marriage, you must know how much this is hurting me. I cannot go on like this.
Until you make a decision to quit the affair, I will not be able to have any contact with you. I'm not doing this to "punish" or "get back" at you. It is solely for my well being.
Please know I do still love you and I want nothing more than to get back together and repair our marriage. When you decide you want to give us a chance, then I will be ready to discuss our future, but NOT until your affair is over.
If you have kids you'll want to get a third party to help to keep contact to a minimum.
You may see the children whenever (set days with her), just let me know.
------------------
My W'S NAME,
I apologize to you for my part in creating the environment that helped
make your affair with OM possible. Although I've ALWAYS loved you with my
heart and soul, I made you feel that EVERYTHING was more important to me
than you. It never was the case, but that is how I made you feel and for
that W I am sorry. I also never understood how much having a home meant to
you. I guess I never understood what a home was until you left. A place
where the grandchildren are safe. I know, I understand now.
I said and did many things in anger that I never meant. I know I hurt
you. But believe me, whenever you hurt so do I. I wish I never did them,
but what can I do now. If I had known what I know now, it never would have
happened. I would hurt back when I was hurt. I have learned this is wrong
and through the counseling I am getting, have learned to stop it. I have
also learned not to internalize things so much. This is still hard for me
but I am trying.
I foolishly pursued my business AND a job AND my hobbies at the same time
without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important
emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we
are now both suffering for my mistake. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I
have made in the past and create a NEW life for us that will meet your
needs. I truly believe that it is possible with what I have learned. But I
cannot do that until you end your relationship with OM once and for all.
Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be
able to help you financially. I have made arrangements with our friend Dave
Home (617) 999-9999 cell (817) 888-9999 Office (800) 777-7777 if there
is a family emergency, or something we need to communicate about our S or D
or any other matter, it will have to be done through Dave. If you visit
them, I will not be there.
I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way.
You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your
relationship with OM I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing you
with are living with him. As I told you Friday night, I can't fight for our
marriage alone anymore. I am weary. I still love you, and I will still
pray for you, but I cannot see you under these conditions any longer
W, I have felt this way for some time but couldn't bring myself to tell
you while your Father was dying. I wanted to be there to help you and the
Family as you did for me when my Father was dying. I loved your Father and
also needed to be with him. I didn't want any "uncomfortable" times between
us to add stress to your Mother to you or anyone else in the family.
As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OM, I will be
willing to talk about our future, and the future of our family.
I want to be able to rebuild our Marriage someday. I want us to be able
to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt
each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do
makes us both happy. Then, there will never be a need for us to separate or
to have "friends" other than each other again. I want to be your best
friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you
as my best friend.
I have spent my whole life loving you W. The first 30 years I spent
looking for you and the last 14 + as your Husband. I loved you when God
first brought us together as I love you right up to this day. I just cannot
be with you or help you anymore as long as you are seeing OM. Now our
Marriage is in God's hands.
With all my love FRANK
OM,
I love my Wife Harriet with all my heart and soul and will do whatever it
takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance.
------------------
"Dearest *Wife*,
It is with a heavy heart that I sit here writing this letter to you. It is truly sad what has happened to us and our marriage. The direction that I must go now is not one of choice but of necessity. Let me explain.
I have made many mistakes in the past and cannot change those. What I have
been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and I have learned from them so
that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I am truly sorry for helping to create an environment that has made your affair possible. I did not realize how much it meant to you for me to be there for you. The hand holding, the hugs, and the snuggling in the mornings to name a few. I now see the things that I was lacking in. I just didn&#8217;t understand how important that was to us.
I now know.
The past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and
emptiness that I experience on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving
grace is the thought of us being together and happy again some day. Unfortunately, I find now that is slowly being shattered as well. Before I lose that thought completely I must take some drastic steps.
*Wife*, as you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and
closer than we ever thought possible. I simply cannot do this until you end your
relationship with *boyfriend*. You must know and realize about the pain and suffering that I have endured because of your relationship with him.
I simply cannot endure this pain anymore and for that reason I cannot see you or speak to you as long as you are seeing him.
You know that I love more than life itself and that I want to be your best friend
and a husband that any woman would be proud to have. However, this simply is not
possible while you are seeing him or anyone else. Should there need to be any communication between us it will have to be through a mutual friend of your choice or
via the USPS.
*Wife*, I do not know what the future hold for us, That is in Gods hands. I know that I want to grow old with you. When I said &#8220;I DO,&#8221; I made a promise in front of God, you, our family and friends for life.
Through better or worse.
I want us to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each
others needs and avoid hurting each other. I want everything that we do to make us both
happy so that there will be no need for us to separate again. I want to be your husband, your friend, and your lover. I loved you more that life itself while we were together and I continue to do so as I write this.
As soon as you are willing to separate completely from your &#8220;friendship&#8221; with *boyfriend* , I will be willing to discuss our future together.
Your husband and &#8220;The man in love with you&#8221;
*Rutger*

So friends, There you have it. Plan B has started. I also find that it may be time for me to leave this website for awhile for 2 reasons. One because I feel like that I am not "Marriage Building" The sole purpose of this place. And two, Because I know that my Wife is lurking and not posting. If this is to be a true Plan B, Then she must not know what I am doing and how I am doing. I think that is the point of Plan B, For me to not exsist in her life. And for me to move ahead somewhat.
She leaves me little choice. Some time apart will do us both good. I will continue to seek the support of my friends and family during this. I know that plan b will be really hard but in order to save my marriage and my sanity, It's worth it.
I am rambling and I know this is super long, For those who read the whole thing... Thanks. I will be checking back from time to time. Those of you interest in E-mailing me, I will respond to each one and help in any way I can. the_rutger@hotmail.com
Be safe and take care

<small>[ May 10, 2004, 07:13 AM: Message edited by: zizzycool ]</small>

This is great zizzy! Thanks! ARe you in Plan B? I'm sorry, with so many people on here I am not familiar with your story!

Yes...3 months plan B and broke twice along the way.

I also had 3 false recoveries where WH said ended and then lied. 3 TIMES!!! So prepare yourself. I tried to get him to MB..saw two priest...one church counselor...expose to family and OW family...lectured him...educated him...gave him MB articles to read...LB along the way too...Plan A for three weeks...then finally plan B

Until today, he is still undecided...he is so blinded...there is nothing else i can do but let the process of plan B work on its own.

Here you go mom

Dearest K,
This is one of the hardest letters I've ever written. It is with heavy heart that I sit here and put my thoughts and feelings to paper. It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and us. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation. Let me explain.
I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and with my selfishness and foolishness I helped create a void in our marriage that helped allow this affair to happen. I did not realize how much it meant to you for me to be there for you. The handholding, the hugs and the snuggling to name a few, I now clearly see many of those things I was lacking in. I just didn’t understand how important it was to us. I have made it clear to everyone that my time with my precious wife is and will be my main focus. You will always come first.
I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship, or how to meet your needs. I can not sit here today and say that I know all that I need to know about relationships but I can however honestly say that I have learned a lot about honoring, cherishing and companionship. I want to learn even more about how to be a supportive and loving man. The type of man that I hope you would be proud to call your husband; the same pride I felt so many times when I called you my wife.
Since February, I've been trying to give you hope for the marriage by learning how to be a better husband to you. To give you hope that you could return to a marriage that you wanted, and for us to build our family together, but the past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving grace is the memories of the love we once shared, of the all good times we have spent together, your extraordinary qualities that led me to ask you to spend your life with me and the thought of us being together, someday happy again. Unfortunately, I now find those memories and feelings are slowly eroding away. Before I lose any more of the memories and feelings of what were once us, I must take some drastic steps.
K, as you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I simply can not continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with (OM). It has become too painful. We can only rebuild our marriage...together...when you completely end your relationship with (OM).
Until that point, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. I would also like any of the regular communications between us to be handled through SIL. If you have any emergency matters, you can always email me at any time. I will put your mail in the mail box on a designated night that you request so you can pick it up.
I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know torturous pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with (OM). I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer, knowing that you and he are together. This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid losing any more of the things we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery!
I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from (OM) and are willing to construct a plan to ensure a total separation. Until that time I will continue to pray for us.
In my mind I will keep the vision of seeing you walk through the door and me saying "hello my love" and of a happy and loving couple where our needs are being met and a relationship where no others could come between us. I know it can happen! What anyone other then you thinks about us is of no importance to me or my feelings for you. I still love you today; I just can not be with you or help you as long as you are still involved with (OM).

Your loving husband,

Thank you Tinman! I have copied it over to WP...I may not need it though...we are going to "talk" later! I hate this crap! You know!