This is a letter I left for my WW on Thursday before I went to work. She has said affair is over but doesn't really talk about it. I didn't really expect a response from her just want her to feel safe to open up to me. However she called me about an hour after I went to work she didn't mention the letter but I'm sure that is why she called me. I was so happy just for any response I didn't mention it either. But there never seemed to be a right time to mention letter over weekend and I want to bring it up to get her feelings on the letter before it seems too late. I just don't know how to bring it up. ANY SUGGESTIONS!
Dear WW
I just wanted to write you a letter because it is sometimes easier for me to express my feelings this way. I know things have not been good with us for some time. I just want you to know I am truly sorry for my part in contributing to our problems. I also want you to know I am willing to do whatever it takes to work on our problems and fixing us. I know this is a very confusing time for both of us. I know that you had needs that I was obviously neglecting so you turned to OM to have them met. WW, I don’t think you are a bad person or blame you for doing this, I only know that you are human. However, I do need you to help me understand. I just want the opportunity to learn from my past mistakes and build a wonderful future for us. Then I can start meeting these needs for you. The only thing I can do now is guess what is going on. You had once told me that things weren’t as bad as I thought they were and there was a story behind you and OM. I really need to hear this story. I understand this may be hard to talk about but I also feel it is necessary for us to close the emotional distance that seems to be growing between us. It just really hurts me that the woman I Love and planned on spending the rest of my life with for better or worse doesn’t feel safe to open up to me. I know things will never be the same as they were between us nor should they be obviously. But we could make them better. I also know in my heart that we did both truly love and care for each other and could find love for each other again. Do I think it will be easy? No. Do I think it would be worth it? YES! I also feel Daughter 1 and Daughter 2 deserve and need for us to give this our best effort. And so do we! We have had conflict in our relationship. This doesn’t mean we didn’t love and care for each other. It just means we are different people. Conflict happens in all relationships. However, we need to learn how to deal with conflict better so we can learn from it and grow stronger. This can be done. I know you say you’re not sure if we’d be together if D1 hadn’t been born. This is obviously a question no one can answer. Instead of dwelling on this and other bad feelings and emotions we could work to develop open and honest communication to see what we can do to make us work. I know that the passion had gone out of our marriage, as it can in long-term relationships, and you were able to find this again with someone else. I’m just guessing but it probably made you feel alive again that someone could care and show interest for you and treat you like the special person you truly are and things never felt better. It probably also made you doubt your feelings for me and that you must not have ever loved me if you could be with another man. Again, I am just guessing because only you have the missing pieces to this puzzle. But I also feel this must be a difficult and trying time for you as well as it is for me. I believe that we are both very confused and in a great deal of pain and turmoil which we could help each other through. I also feel we shouldn’t make any quick and hasty decisions in this state of confusion and doubt. I just want you to know I truly do Love You, WW and want very much for us to start over by being friends again so we can tear down the emotional walls between us and open up our hearts to each other and build true love between us. Please just take some time to give this some thought and try to remember having love for me. Also know I am here for you.

Anyone have any suggestions?

staggered...

how is your plan A going....

are you two spending any time toghether...meeting her needs...

also ...what's the deal with the extremely stressful job of hers...what's the bigger picture here......

Is she just going to work at the stressful job forever....

I guess the question is ...if your getting your masters..
and she is so stressed from work...

when and where is the family unit and family time on the scale of importance...

are you enjoying life at all
is she...

ark

Ark
She actually will be starting a new job on June 1st. One of the big areas of accepting the job is that it be less demanding. We are both very excited about this. We actually spend time some together. But I work on weekends at night and her weekdays during day. I was off this weekend and we were together with the girls doing yard work. In the evening we watched movies every night. We were both tired and fell asleep one night and our daughter woke up another so I didnt get a chance to talk. I try to fill her needs but I don't know exactly what she wants. I know she has said that her and OM talked so she wants conversation. We do talk but it is hard sometimes because it almost feels fake since we never talk about what we should do. That is also why I wrote the letter so she could think about her needs and how I could meet them. Thanks for listening!

you MUST seek marriage counseling to heal from the affair....

it never ever ever works just being quiet and getting past it...

Is she in NO CONTACT...does she, will she talk about it at all...

people come here in great pain even years after an affair if there never was recovery work...

church..
employment EAP...
budget because it's worth every penny....etc...


We do talk but it is hard sometimes because it almost feels fake since we never talk about what we should do.

what does what we should do mean??
do about what....

ARK

what we should be doing about working on us. I think she is in no contact but I'm not positive. She doesn't say anything about the affair. I do know from her sister who also dated OM he is very hard to get rid of. He would just keep calling her. He has tried to contact my wife I know but I don't know if she has talked to him. I am going to see if she wants to sit down and talk a little tonite. If nothing I will ask her about her feelings on the letter I wrote her. This could be a start.

what does she say if when you ASK her...

has she apoligized...
has she offered details..
have you asked....

you both must work on this together....

how long was her affair...

you must find a pro-marriage counselor to work on your communication...
process the pain...
etc...

ark

I asked her if we should talk about what went wrong with us so we could try to stop dwelling on past bad emotions and feelings so we could try to move forward. she said she didn't know when she would have the time. From what I know her affair started in November and ended in March. With regards to MC we live in a foreign country and language may be a problem. I haven't really asked for any details of affair.

staggered...

you need a plan that fights for YOUR marriage and what you believe in....

you need a plan that turns this unbelievable lack of communication around...cause it is stuck...

have you spoke your pain of the affair...
tell her she needs to commit to time...

her avoidance and inaction is as much as an answer about what she believes in and what she feels is a priority....

ARK

When I do talk to her she says she is not sure about us and if we would be together if not for D1. I think she wanted to say something Thursday night after she read the letter but I think she is very embarassed about her actions and wanted me to bring it up on the phone. Now that I didn't I feel as time goes on it is harder. I just talked to her on the phone and asked her what she was doing tonite-she said she has to work a couple of hours so I didn't bring up that we should talk. When I go home I will try to bring up the fact that we need to make time to talk this week.

I am going home now. I will check back in a few hours. Thanks!!

bump up for staggered