</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ChristyV:
<strong>I feel like I have not hit bottom yet, either. It will get worse, most likely, when exposure hits. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You get it right ... you are moving outward from the center of this storm.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe I should just surrender...and finally start the hard work of closing this chapter in my life.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am Dv'ed I could tell you onething ... it never closed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , emotionally probably but you will have ties to him forever. There are bdays, proms, weddings, grand kids ...

Hang in there and brace for the storm to come.

-rh-

You're starting again with the decision making.You don't have to do that Christy if you're in Plan B remember? Until you actually get those D papers you don't have to concede to anything and you can drag your feet with the D papers too.

No one is suggesting that you be a complete a** during a D but neither am I saying that you have to be all cheerful and sweet and act as if this man hasn't torn you and your family apart.If it's one thing my WH is really hoping for and maybe other WS's too is that the passage of time will change my attitude.Well,it will not.Time may pass but it will not change the facts of what has happened.

You do have to brace yourself for some backlash though,it is coming.But again,do what YOU feel comfortable with and don't make any decisions yet regarding a D.Let him do the dirty work.

*Also,just food for thought.It is my belief,that for many of us,what we have not dealt with in childhood,comes back to face us in adulthood,so we subconsciously choose those people that will make us face and grow from those said childhood issues.In your case,it is this overbearing,emotional,control freak of a mother.

If your WH does not take a stand and decide to work on this issue and many other's,in his current marriage,he is most likely doomed to repeat the same mistakes again in his next relationship until he deals with it head on.Right now,I don't think your WH realizes this unfortunately.But that is his journey,not yours.

You may have to accept that this relationship with your WH has had it's intended purpose and now there is a time for more growth in the both of you,maybe not together.It's just one way of looking at it,that's all.People come into our lives for varying reasons and it is sometimes difficult to know the reasons why or why the relationship may not be forever.It's a huge leap of faith to embrace this idea.It's just something I am thinking about lately,it is helping me to let go of my WH if that's to be the end result.I have to believe in God first and foremost and trust in his wisdom of who and what shall become of me.

O

Christy - I know exactly how you feel and I validate your feelings.

I heard all the same logic.

You will survive stronger than before.

Please remind us of whether you're on antidepressants.

When you're ready to hear suggestions on divorce response strategies, just ask. But I don't think you're gonna be faced with an actual filing anytime soon.

Stay Plan B and let him make all the moves.

WAT

Christy,

I would think the HR dept at your H's work will contact you before acting on your exposure email.

They will most likely need questions answered to start the investigation and to also confirm that the email is authentic and not a hoax of some sort.

Have you thought about what you plan to tell them?

Are you doing okay hon?

Jo

<small>[ May 10, 2004, 01:32 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

ditto Jo

It's a no brainer your H will be livid, but you knew this. Maybe forward all e-mails from him to your intermediary without reading them. Let him/her screen for any thing necessary for you to see.

WAT

<small>[ May 10, 2004, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Doing Ok. Not ready to give up yet. Bracing myself for more pain and ugly words (this e-mail was more of the same, hurtful words...).

If he wants to D, he will need to do it, not me. I have told him that I love him, I want him, I believe our M could be awesome, and that I made a committment to fight for our life together when I married him. No matter what hard decisions that may mean (like, exposure, telling him I do not want a D, trying to offer reconciliation after the end of an ongoing A, etc).

I feel strong right now. I took a break this afternoon to go pray. And I was sitting there, asking God to tell me what to do.

And I realized something about myself. God made me with a forgiving heart. God made me strong, and assured (nothing is like GOD CONFIDENCE). God made me with the ability to still laugh, when I want to cry. And as I took a walk, I realized, the trees are still green, the flowers are still blooming, I still live and work in one of the best places on earth (it is 76 today in Tampa, with a nice breeze). My kids are still funny as hell. I still have so much to Praise God for.

And I kept hearing a small voice, inside of me saying, "Just focus on me. Just focus on me." Just focus on God. That is all I need to look at right now. I don't want to see the mess. It is like when you are renovating your house. There are tarps and dust and wholes and an utter mess, while the reconstruction goes on, and then, it looks marvelous. Do I really want to sit back and witness all the ugliness with my WH right now? No. So, focus on God. He is always lovely. And hopefully, once the work is done, we can be together again. Or maybe, just maybe, God will be doing a work in me, and will reveal another path for me.

Holding on. Bracing tightly. And trying to adjust my focus.

Got reamed by Dad today, wanting to know why I will not talk to him. WH is calling him, basically requesting that he reason with me, so the kids will not get hurt.

It really hurts that my Dad was swayed and I can imagine them sitting around talking about how I am an emotional female.

I referred him to the MB site....but, at this point...I am emotionally exhausted.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ChristyV:
<strong>WH is calling him, basically requesting that he reason with me, so the kids will not get hurt.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sheese. Fog is contagious, it seems.

Have you dad e-mail me at DCScandals@yahoo.com.

I'll reason with HIM.

WAT

WAT you kill me your like the man that finds diamonds in the piles of crap that are spewed from the WS. LOL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ChristyV:
Got reamed by Dad today, wanting to know why I will not talk to him. WH is calling him, basically requesting that he reason with me, so the kids will not get hurt. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does your dad know that your husband is having an illicit affair?

Explain to your dad that talking to your husband is extremely painful, that you are in jeoparding of losing all love for him if you remain in contact. Tell him about the Plan B letter contents.

And Christy, if the kids get hurt it is NOT, I repeat NOT, your doing. If the kids get hurt it's because their dad chose to have an affair. You do not own that.

Lv,
Jo

God, I'm so VERY proud of you and you aren't even mine! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Recovery IS possible, don't loose sight of the "Big Picture" when your WH is sending "scud's" your way. That is all he has......

Stay the course....you're doing a fantastic job!

Hi Christy,

Like others...I say ignore it and let him do the work if he wants a DV. Stay in Plan B.

I also think you need to forward his emails to your intermediary and let her deal with them. You don't need it.

He is so totally fog-bound. It is amazing to read the stuff these folks write.

Now, one other thing. What I am reading in his email about "that guy" is that he may be giving himself permission to be "that guy" because of his genetics and background. You know, "I didn't want to be that guy, but poor me, look at my history, look at my bio-dad, look at what Mom reminded me of." In other words, Christy, it isn't his fault! He cannot be blamed, because it was in his genes!

When we cannot deal with guilt and want to provide ourselves with excuses, we can always manipulate the "facts" to our benefit.

Just some food for thought.

Meanwhile, Plan B, and a trip to Brandon for shopping! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Christy,

I am really proud of you!! you rule.
I agree with not responding to his email in regards to the D.
Hang in there !!

could you even close the email account that your H uses to email you? that way you wouldn't even see the messages in the first place.

Christy -

I just wanted to throw in my two cents here. My FWH told me those exact same words (I am referring to the letter at the beginning of your post). In fact, my H's talk of D became more near the end of our separation, before reconcilliation, before he came home.

It was interesting to see almost the exact same words coming from a different man. I know the words hurt, and he may mean them, but I just don't think so.

It sounds like so much more fogese to me. FIRST, stand firm in your convictions. That is what I did. I was so firm in not wanting a D, everyone in my life had no choice but to support me or do battle with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And NOBODY wants to do battle with a woman in our position - except the dumb WH who has their head shoved so far up their rectum they cannot sense the danger. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyway, you are like me - strong. And impatient. Once I surrendered to the process, and started the SS train rolling, is when WH woke up, pulled his head out with an ear-cracking *POP*, and jumped on for the ride.

This is a post to you for support. I have been there, done that, and it sounds like so much fogese to me. Stand your ground, be unwaivering in your beliefs, and make him do all the work.

Make him file, make him face the children with his decision. Protect yourself and your kids financially, which it looks like you are doing, but other than that, it is on him. My FWH talked the talk for a long time, and not ONCE did anything more than look up D on the Internet. And he said the same things - let's figure it out and save attorney fees. Bullsh**! I went and saw a lawyer, to find out my rights.

He didn't know crap. He was blowing smoke up my a$$, and his own. And it truly sounds like yours is doing the same. I don't think he is doing it on purpose, his fogged in brain might think he really wants that, but by resisting and making him do it all, I think helps clear the mind.

Lots of support and love and HUGS!

SS

SS I don't know if you will read this or not but I'll put it here anyways. My W did the same BS with handing me online info about a cheap easy DV. Man this must be scripted lol anyways if she wants it she'll have to file through the court system here. Spend the money and take some initative.

(((((ChristyV)))))

Hugs to you and a prayer for you and your marriage at this difficult time. Keep fighting for your marriage, have patience. Don't concede like I did and you may just end up happily married again.

Jen