Well, I was about to launch the nukes, and my WH beat me to it. He e-mailed me late last night (on Mother's Day, thank God I did not see it until today) requesting a divorce.

Here is his letter:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Christy,
 
I tried to inform you through your third party mediator, but she refused to pass on this information. So I must tell you directly. I wish to end our marriage.
 
I hope that we can do this amicably. I do not want to hurt you further. I do not want the kids to suffer more than they are. I just want us to work out the details together. We can agree to terms regarding finances, custody, health insurances, visitation rights, liabilites and assets.
 
Once we agree we can take the marital sepration agreement to attorney and file the necessary paperwork. This will save us a lot of unecessary legal fees and time.
 
I know that it will take some time for both of us to reach a point where we can be friends again. I never intended on hurting you, and I still wish the best for you. I know that you never meant to hurt me.
 
You are a good woman who deserves the very best. You deserve someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated, love you the way you want to be loved, and be your life partner. I am sorry things did not work out for the best. I never wanted to be "that guy". I always wanted to be better than the "average Joe". I tried to treat you with love and respect, kindness and care. I did to the best of my knowledge and abilites.
 
I know now after attending counselng with you that we both had some emotional issues we brought into the relationship. We both struggled as young parents. We did not know how to handle adversity or resolve conflict well. But we have two beautiful children.
 
You need to recognize that regardless of your feelings with me that we will be a part of our kids lives for the rest of their lives. We need to be able to communicate. We need to be able to be in the same room together. For the sake of Cameryn and Jordan. It can be done. Stacey's parents did it. We should be able to be kind and cordial.
 
Please don't continue to refuse to communicate with me. If you want we can sit down with your parents and come to an arrangements together. I know they love you and can be impartial when trying to help us figure out what is best for us and best for the kids.
 
Please let me know how you want to proceed. I apologise for contacting you directly but I had no other choice. Take care.
 
WH
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I called him (DUMB...I KNOW...insert large 2x4 to the head here) and asked him why he made this choice. He said that he did not see how things could ever be any different between us. I told him I though tit could be different, we have both changed, it could be better than ever.

Then, I said "Are you afraid I am going to hold this over your head forever? I'm not, I want to move on and rebuild our marriage."

He said "It has nothing to do with that."

I told him I do not want a divorce.

I then asked him why didn't he help the kids observe Mother's Day. He said, with no contact, how is he supposed to do anything? He is afraid to "upset my apple cart." I told him, very quietly, he could have at least helped them purchase cards. He then told me how, I told him during their Wednesday visitation. He then said he had no money...so I just dropped it.

At that moment, my intermediary called. She told me to get off the phone with him asap. So I told him I had an important phone call and needed to go. The whole conversation I was calm, quiet, used a very soft voice.

I am totally numb...totally heartbroken.

Coincidentally, had just pressed "send" on my exposure letters this am, before I saw the letter from WH. He is definitely going to think I was vindictive now...

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PRAY FOR THE RECONCILIATION OF MY MARRIAGE.

God can do anything. And at this point, any reconciliation would only be from Him. It is so broken now, it would definitely be a miracle, with the glory to Him, if I managed to keep my husband now.

{{{{{CHRISTY}}}}}}

God's timing is not ours. It's no accident that you had already sent the nukes into cyber-land before you got his message. You wouldn't have sent them because you'd have been scared of how he would have perceived it. When something like this turns our lives entirely over to God's care, I have to believe there are no accidents. Even though the storm is going to intensify here very shortly for you, You have to trust in the Being who is using that storm to cleanse your life from the source of pain and suffering in your life (not necessarily your husband, but definitely his sin).

This is God's work - that you might have joy after the storm.

(((((((((((Christy))))))))))))

Christy, I know how heart broken you are. I will pray very very hard for you, now. GOD can do everthing, we just have to have faith on HIM.

Stay in Plan B...

You did not get any official notice... He said:

"Please let me know how you want to proceed"

Here's how you want to proceed.... continue your Plan B ...

If he wants a divorce, he gets the joy of filing...

Stay put, stay quiet..

I think he's blowing smoke up your asssssss and trying to get you to talk to him by scaring you.

Pep

christy, sweetheart, i don't have any words and i am so sorry that you are continuing to go through all this. i'm sure that i will be getting a similar letter in the future and i'm not sure how i will react, don't have any kids and so any contact w/my H could be lost forever.

i am also more inclined to think that your H is doing this to make himself feel better and come off as good despite what's going on. you have not received any papers right? even if you did you don't have to sign them. you have clearly said that your goal is for reconciliation (as is for most of us here) so talk to your MB counselor and adjust your plan as necessary. your H is making choices and to a certain extent you have to act accordingly.

i will say an extra prayer for you right now and as you have said as well as others that God's plan is in action and we just hope that what we are doing is his will. talk to you pastor soon if possible. remember not to have any expectations of him and stay the course, others have come back from worse and have rebuilt their marriage. continued strength and prayers to you.

(((((((((((Christy))))))))))))

ditto Pep

His message is full of the typical WS contradictory logic - wants what's best for the kids but doesn't want to work on the marriage. Wants you to be "cordial". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Stay in Plan B - no more talking.

Consider asking your intermediary to reply with a written message stating:

1. you do not wish a divorce
2. you wish to rebuild your marriage
3. re-read the Plan B letter
4. you will not initiate any action to disolve the marriage

But, you should consult an attorney if you haven't already done so to secure a separation agreement. I can't remember what you've said about this before. This can be done without suggesting you want a divorce.

Did you or did you not send the exposure infomation? It wasn't clear.

If you did, yes, he will view it as vindictive. But he would have viewed it that way even if you sent it earlier. He will go on the offensive and attack you because he has no defense. He will accuse you of causing more harm to your kids, blah, blah, blah and now he REALLY can't consider reconciliation, blah, blah, blah.

Hang on, Christy - we're with you.

WAT

{{{{{Christy}}}}}

Here let me summerize your H babble.


I feel guilty about what I have done, so with me suggesting DV that means I can run away from the guilt. I'm to stupid to realize that the guilt will catch up to me no matter what I do. Man I'm an idiot.


JMHO Hang in there I had the samething happen last week, not real papers but suggesting it.

From Montey Python and the Holy Grail "RUN AWAY"

ChristyV,

My exW threathen me to Dv me and on Sept & she saw a lawyer. I was served March, 6 months later. You have time.

Either you follow WAT's guideline on your mail or just no response at all. It is your call.

-rh-

<small>[ May 10, 2004, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

There is no legal separation in FL. I am filing for support (when no dissolutionment has been filed).

I DID sent the exposure letters this am, as I had planned.

I have changed the locks. Will file on Wednesday for support payments.

My intermediary called him back and said "Ms. V is interested in rebuilding your marriage, and is not interested in discussing the dissolutionment of your marriage at this time."

So, now it is about to get even uglier.

What does anyone else make of his letter?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ChristyV:
<strong>What does anyone else make of his letter? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We don't have a crystal ball to read his mind beyond his letter. Please don't speculate, take it face value. He want a Dv, period. You need to protect yourself.

I got a question for you since he wrote :

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I never wanted to be "that guy". I always wanted to be better than the "average Joe". I tried to treat you with love and respect, kindness and care. I did to the best of my knowledge and abilites.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What does "that guy" mean to both of you ?.

-rh-

Hey Christy, just want to send support, you have some of the wisest this forum has to offer leaving you with great advice and perspective.

Someone once commented on my WW. Act on what she does, not what she says.

I cannot be sure what "that guy" means...except the kind of guy who cheats and betrays his wife and family.

His bio-Dad was an alcoholic, abusive, cheater, etc...and his Mom reminded him of this his whole life. I think he wanted to break that pattern, and be different, never make his children be part of a broken family, never take the actions to knowingly destroy people. Not only did he have the pressure not to repeat history, but he had self imposed pressure to be even better than that, a perfect husband.

So that quote is probably referring to his desire to have been different....chosen differently...which is why it is so ironic...because it is coming under the cover of a letter asking for a divorce....

I always thought the world of him. And honestly, still do.

Christy, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am with what Kayla said about there are no accidents. I think you were meant to send those letters. I don't think it will hurt your chances of getting your M back. Let your H deal with his A out in the open. If it's so BEAUTIFUL and REAL then he has nothing to be ashamed of, right?

Concerning my opinion on your H's letter, it's all BULL****! I love the point about maybe you two can be friends. Oh please! My H said something like that to me in the very beginning of all this, and I said, "We will never be friends if you leave me for OW!" It kind of shocked him. What else? Oh the part about "I know you never meant to hurt me." OMG, such fog talk! "I tried to treat you with love and respect, kindness and care." Excuse me, from your posts christy I didn't see a lot of that happening.

Hang in there! You know I'm here for you! CV

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ChristyV:
<strong>His bio-Dad was an alcoholic, abusive, cheater, etc...and his Mom reminded him of this his whole life. I think he wanted to break that pattern, and be different, never make his children be part of a broken family, never take the actions to knowingly destroy people. Not only did he have the pressure not to repeat history, but he had self imposed pressure to be even better than that, a perfect husband.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did he close that baggage ?. Your MIL damaged him by saying all of those words projecting her anger & hurt.

{{{{((((HUG))))}}}

Protect yourself in plan B.

-rh-

Hi {{Christy}},

Whether or not what your WH says is something he will actually follow through on is anyone's guess but remain in your Plan B and stay the course.I agree that he has said several contradictory statements but to him,they are probably perceived as righteous and reasonable.We know differently.

One of the things I told my WH was that we will NOT be friends if we D and I know that has weighed on his mind.He would love to have the happy homewrecker in his life and his wife and daughters on the side,always available at his beck and call.Well,I don't think so.Part of the collateral damage or fallout,if you will,is that he doesn't get to be my friend and he doesn't get to have my respect or talk with me or have me in his life like he used to.He blew that all up and there is no way that I am going to cordial or go that extra mile just to make him feel comfortable.Yes we have kids together but we will parent separately from now on unless he were to end the adultery.

Don't feel like you are any less a person because you don't agree to WH requests.He is asking for too much given the circumstances.He doesn't deserve to have everything go smoothly and his way.How you deal with what he does is entirely up to you and what YOU feel comfortable with.Whatever Stacey's parents do regarding their children is their business and it doesn't pay to compare other families with your own,only what matters to you.

Hang in there hon.It's not over til it's over.

o

hey christy, if it's painful to talk about i understand but would appreciate anything you can share on the matter about DV in FL. that's where my H is at and our house (we were not married there however). i try to prepare each day that i get the mail that there might be something in the mail box that way i won't be totally devastated. i have a feeling that my H would wait until the house sells before he does something like that but i also know thought a lot of things about my H and look where we are.

i'm dragging my feet about the sell of the house, a lot of this is w/SH blessing as well as my pastor. i'm not stopping my H but i'm not helping it along either. if he wants to sell the house then he needs to do all the work, etc. and as far as i know nothing has been done. my MIL told me that she will be going to FL next month to help get the house ready for sale but what that all involves i don't know. i am still basically supporting us financially. my H does pay some bills and has really helped out w/$$ this month but don't know how long that's going to last. i have until september to have all my household items moved one more time at the expense to the military. so i have requested leave in august so that i can go to our house and take care of this and will probably plan on this as the last time i go down there. it just so happens the time i requested coincides w/the OW's 21st b-day, wonder what kind of trouble i can stir up?

anyway, i think anything less than infidelity or adultery on D papers would be a crime and not sure how i will handle that topic either. again, any info you could provide on the FL stuff would help or point me in the right direction. thanks and prayers to you.

He did not deal with any of that baggage, AT ALL. He just goes around believing it doesn't affect him, it doesn't matter, it doesn't have any bearing on him. But somewhere, deep down inside, it is still tearing him up inside.

He went from an overbearing, control freak, emotional mother to an overbearing, control freak, emotional wife. And I have changed, through all of this, I have had to face some of the things that hurt me pre-marriage...but I do not know if his mother ever will.

Thing is, I worry about what he thinks. I know it is silly, but I worry. What will he think about the exposure? What will he think about me not going along with D "amicably?" Because, truth is, if we ever did D, I would have wanted it to be a amicable D, so that people would not be hurt further, etc.

I do not want to be his friend. Part of me does, but part of me knows I could never be just his friend...and it would eat me up inside to still know him, still talk to him, still see him regularly, etc. We DO have kids, but we CAN parent separately, as we have for the past several weeks. And it will be hard, but, if we D, that would be the HARD REALITY.

So...now, by telling him I am not interested in discussing D, showing him I will not concede amicably, I have drawn a line in the sand and said to him, at least the way he will perceive it, "Make my day. Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

I feel like I have not hit bottom yet, either. It will get worse, most likely, when exposure hits.

Maybe I should just surrender...and finally start the hard work of closing this chapter in my life.

I am weary.

<small>[ May 10, 2004, 12:25 PM: Message edited by: ChristyV ]</small>