Anyone familiar with my story knows that I was heading for a fork in the road as summer approached. This is the time I have the unenviable position of playing the fool for W's sake in the OM's company. In other words he doesn't know I know and I have done this in order to protect her reputation - a big mistake.
Anyway fast forward. SH told me as each event comes up simply tell W I don't want to go because it will be hurtful for me. Well the first anticipated event was to be towards Memorial day for his birthday (I know ridiculous). Anyway on Saturday I was coming home with oldest daughter from her practice and was intending to go to the mall and pick up something for Mothers Day. Instead W calls and asks if I'd like to meet her and go to a bar to get hot wings and bring them home for family. I enthusiastically agreed and headed home forgoing the shopping trip. When I got home W and I got in the car and as we started driving she casually mentioned that OM might be at the bar because it was their playoffs. He's on numerous teams and this playoff has nothing to do with W's team. As soon as she mentioned this I said No. I told her I have been trying to convey this to her with SH's help that I will never be in these people's company again. She began to shake and well up. I also was very shaken. I told her I'm sorry and that I don't do this to hurt her but only to protect me. She said I need to suck it up sometimes like she does for me. I didn't budge. She said fine and told me to drive somewhere else for sandwiches instead. So we took a 30 minute drive in total silence. I got out of car and got the sandwiches and headed home. On the way home we started to talk. And I told her how she has made me feel like the boobie prize. That I wasn't worth giving the OM up for. That her phone calls to him are more important than my feelings. She then recounted all the pain through our 19 yr marriage. I listened and told her I'm trying my best NOW. She told me the changes I have made for the last 3 years are probably temporary. Anyway I didn't LB but told her how much I love, respect, admire all her positive qualities. But told her how much she continues to hurt me. It was more productive and honest conversation about the A then we have probably ever had.

How do you think I handled the situation?

WOE

Hey WOE

Sounds like you handled it pretty well.

Gosh, when I read your post I thought...geez, I'd like to smack your W upside the head. She just doesn't get it.

You tell her you are hurting and she "justifies it" by recounting 19 years of pain.

Give me a break.

Again, I think you handled the situation just great considering that it had to hurt so very much!

Take care.

sss

woe,

Keep up the good work. I think you did fine. No LB'ers. Eventually, she'll come out of the fog. Not being able to insist on NC is tough. Good luck to you in that regards.

SSS, you're right she just doesn't get it. But as I read LowOrbits post "no one told me", it kinda helps me continue. It talks about the foundation of the marriage has to be strong to weather the inevitable storms that we all go through. So I guess my foundation has been tested and seems to be strong enough to weather this storm. In fact on an up note, wife called this morning and told me her diamond was loose in it's setting and for her birthday could we get it reset. Any recent conversations about her diamond have been mostly how small it is. So to have her ask could we get it gussied up was very encouraging. I really now she has the feelings for me, it's just beneath the veneer and she is just very, very guarded right now. Don't get me wrong, what she is doing is wrong and she knows it. Nothing can justify that. But I'm just trying to be patient and support her. Because she's worth it and I know she would be there for me. Thanks for visiting.

you pretty much know my story but i feel that what i'm going to say will be consistent w/many of the OT's, just keep following your words w/actions. she kind of manipulated you or ramshacked you w/the proposal of getting food and then once you were hooked then let on about the OM, etc. you handled the situation very well and didn't LB. her bringing up the 19 years is just because she feels a certain way about herself and maybe she's testing you.

anyway, take that for what you will and thanks for sharing. i think i could do what you are doing (the length of time it has taken) but even though we are in separate states already, i think there will come a time where my visits to the state he's in along w/our house will have to end and there will be no reason to continue, we don't have kids. i'm not sure what i will do when that fork in the road comes. take care and prayers to you.

hi woe,

i think you handled the situation very well.

She told me the changes I have made for the last 3 years are probably temporary.

Your changes after three years won't last??? I don't get that statement at all. Sounds to me like you have made some very difficult personal changes and she just won't (or refuses) to acknowledge your efforts. Three years no longer falls into a time frame that I would consider temporary.

WOE, i don't know how much a part of that plays w/my H as well but i have a feeling that is one of his "feelings" does that make sense? in other words, i think that if he did consider coming back that he sees the way that i am would only be temporary and a couple of years is not good enough for him when he is so happy now.

RR and IGP, of course you don't temporarily change for 3 plus years. And the changes weren't dramatic. It's simply maturity. A little more domestic support etc. It's not like I had to change careers and make major changes. Just a little more support and encouragement. So yes, I got a wakeup call and responded. Certainly nothing temporary. I don't underestimate the pain she is in. Perhaps that sympathy has been used against me but I realize she has no bed of roses in this situation. It's difficult for her to understand the fact that I'm not only hung up on the ONS. She doesn't get the pain of EA. But this was good for me because as a conflict avoider I think I finally made it very clear to her that my position about contact is going to change. That will make her very uncomfortable trying to portray the image of a very happily married woman to the group. Well if so happy, where is hubby?

i think you handles it gracefully and with conviction. you stood up for yourself and your own boundries without LB"S or disrespectful judgements. good for you----keep it up.

When I re-read this post it just seems so crystal clear to me now. Of course I did the right thing and why do I give it a second thought. How and why did I enable this to go on for so long. Yes, I enabled it by playing the fool and serving drinks to the OM in my home all to keep the peace and protect W's reputation. But as key members of the pool team leave it has gotten a lot easier to boycott the rest. This 3 year struggle is coming to an end. I will be conspicuous by my absence all summer long. That isn't the way I intended things to end but so be it. It was my hope that W could leave the group gracefully and without the embarrassment. At this point the remaining members of the team are nothing to me and it is easy for me to walk away.
Just a surprisingly emotional morning looking back at what I've gone through.

yep, back again to being able to look back and know we did all we could. keep up the good work and all the support you give to us, prayers to you.

WOE, I just read your thread. WOW, I still can't believe you put up with what you have for 3 years. What exactly is the EA, if it's not too painful to explain? Serving the OM drinks? If I had to serve H's OW a drink it would end up on her head. What is with your W? "Oh, by the way, OM might be at the bar I asked you to go to with me?" She was shaking? You did a GREAT job! I think I would have been the one shaking at that little surprise.

I'm sorry, these non-recovered WSs are such a pain in the A$$. CV

CV, that's a great question. "What is the EA?" It is hard to explain but not at all painful. OK almost 3 years ago I began hearing "cutie petootee, spiritual connection, most beautiful blue eyes, people come into your life for a reason etc. etc. That went on for 3 months before ONS. I can honestly say I knew she was going to sleep with him before he did. He did not pursue her and that's why I can't really get too excited about this guy. He isn't the problem. Though he boasts 10 married woman, sells pot, hangs sheetrock under the table lives in a trailor, has two illigitimate children the exact same age with two different woman. Anyway back to your question. W confessed ONS about 3 weeks later. She was remorseful and an emotional mess. So I thought OK, we can get through this. Well that was my mistake. I was paralyzed and allowed her to continue her pool league because so many other key people in my life were involved it would have been humiliating to yank her and I don't know that she would have let me yank her.

OK, so for the next two years she continues to call him on the cell phone behind my back. Just to chit chat etc. But the point is I have been very actively fighting this for 2 years and she still calls him 25 times a month. I recently learned that she left the pool league at about 12:00AM and went to another bar with OM until 1:30AM. When I confronter her with that I told her it hurt me. And she said I know it does. So while I'm 100% confident it isn't PA anymore she still doesn't get how bad she hurt me, she doesn't see the harm in EA.

Here's another example. A couple of months ago I came home from work and wife gave me a great big hug. I thought that's odd but wonderful. As soon as I got a chance I checked her cell phone and confirmed that she just ended 18 minute conversation with OM just prior to me walking in the door. That's why I got the hug.

Many times I would note when I left for work and then check her cell phone bill and see that she called him the minute I walked out the door. These calls could follow SF or just about any other intimate time we spent together. So while I'm thinking boy that sure was nice, she's thinking I can't wait till he goes so I can call.
That's how it feels anyway.

It is finally dissipating in my opinion and certainly getting to be a lot more trouble than it's worth. She is going to have to attend summer parties with out her adoring husband and that is going to be uncomfortable.

One more example. She has a photo album on our bar at home that includes mostly the pool team but some family members and friends as well. Well it is not unusual for her to pull out the album with a few drinks in her and say how she just adores these guys. She uses the plural but I know. Here's the knockout punch, a picture of her and OM still sits in her bedroom closest along with several other photos of us out with this group for a New Years party. Can you now see how this eats at me?

Everytime I'll complain about the phone calls she'll tell me I need to take my bloodpressure medication. And then go on to tell anyone present how I get crazy if I don't take my medication. I have told her they don't have a pill to cure my problem. Uhhhhhh!

WOE

WOE, forgive me if this isn't a very good MB question, but why are you putting up with this crap? OK, I got that out, now I'm better. I know in the book "Surviving An Affair" the husband put up with his W having a full blown A. I guess if a BS can put up with Plan Aing while the WS is still active in the A it's OK. I think that would be the deal breaker for me. I don't think I could live with H if he was still active with OW.

A question for you. How do you know W isn't in a PA? I'm sorry! I don't want to make you paranoid. I'm just curious. It took such digging and interrogation for my H to finally come clean about the PA. Your W just seems so nonchalant about the whole thing. And what's up with being with such a loser, blue eyes or not?

OK, I'll shut up. I just get so angry about all of this at times. I think hearing all the stories on here lately is getting to me. I'm looking at my H lately wondering if he is still a lying sack of SH**. CV

Here's the knockout punch, a picture of her and OM still sits in her bedroom closest along with several other photos of us out with this group for a New Years party. Can you now see how this eats at me?
Yeah. Why aren't you getting rid of it?

First, Chris-CA123 because your question is easier. The reason I don't get rid of all the pictures is the same reason I don't call this guy and tell him I know; it's got to be her idea. As misguided as that plan was at the time, that is the path I've chosen so I don't see deviating at this point.

CV55, why do I put up with this crap? In the beginning W had me on my heels with divorce talk. Maybe not in a threatening way but just her suggesting other options etc. It really had me spinning because I was sooooo damn happy at the time I just could not believe she wasn't happy to. Things have never been better for us in many ways. I still can't say I would have done things differently even with the tools I have now. After ONS she confessed so I figured well how can I break her confidence. She confessed and showed remorse. That sort of handcuffed me. And I certainly didn't know what the hell an EA was. I don't even know if you could still call it an EA. But the other part to consider is that the OM is simply interested in adding to his numbers. So now that he had W he is no longer interesed. I really don't think he would come to her funeral if it was overcast out. Even SH told me he isn't the problem. He told me that W is very good at compartmentalizing things. A male trait that some woman develop as result of childhood issues. So I guess that's how she can conveniently "not get it". PA? The ONS rocked her and I even had the joy of comforting her until we confirmed she wasn't pregnant. After that blessed event I guess everything went back to normal in her eyes and I haven't stopped spinning. As you know I see IC and call SH. So I'm certainly getting some clarity but I suppose I still deserve the occassional 2 x 4. This summer is going to make things crystal clear for W and the members of the group. I hope I answered your questions. But with regard to your situation and your take on mine, consider in the book HNHN the part about the man being like a donkey between two bails of hay. He doesn't starve but takes from both. They really are that confused. No matter what happens I don't think our spouses will look back on these times with fondness. I really believe they are in as much pain as us and plus add guilt to theirs. Maybe naive but I don't think the other side is pleasant once the fog lifts.